Hello 2012!

Saying goodbye to 2011. I will not miss thee. It was a year of a lot of changes; some good, some bad. We saw the end of relationships, and the beginnings of others. We saw people die, and others be born.

For us we watched the end of a mother/son relationship due to the toxic behavior of the mother. And we can only hope to be brave in the months that come, what with the wedding looming and it being unsure of what she plans to do.

My friend Kim died. Nothing can replace what we lost.

I won my disability case. Something we had been fighting for for over a year and half. Though the case is not done yet (we are appealing the case for just how long I've been disabled), it was a great weight lifted off of me.

And we got Daisy, this little silly kitten.

2012 brings a lot of big changes as well. We'll be married in July, and I'll go through all of the paperwork of changing my name.

And I hope to get the first draft of my memoir, Diary of a Pain Patient, finished. That's my biggest goal.

May 2012 bring you all the happiness in the world.

Merry Christmas!

Me, Asher, Daisy, Rhapsody, and Bug

Well that's just great

Stress induced period? AWESOME!

Family is forever

I'm going to start this by saying what I have said to others for years now: Just because you bring a child into this world, it doesn't mean they owe you anything. Respect is EARNED.

 I think most people with chronic pain know well enough how frustrating it is when people don't believe you're sick. I also think most would agree that it's even harder when it's family members reacting like that. And even more would agree its torture when it's your in-laws.

It's not new to know that my fiance's mother has made comments about my illness. She said shit about when I had to quit school, and she likes to tell people how I'm not disabled. I'm actually faking the whole thing to mooch off my fiance.

About 5 months ago or so, we had a huge falling out with his mom, as is evident here. She refused to accept it when he told her was done with her, and we ignored it. Until now. Ash sent her an email response to her asking about Christmas restating that until she owned up to what she had done, and tried to make amends with both of us, he was not going to see her.

He also added in that he was very upset about her telling everyone that I'm not actually sick, and that the back talking, specifically to his siblings, about me needs to STOP.

I thought for sure she was going to respond by flipping out on me. Oh boy was I wrong. The email she sent back was cruel, disgusting, and heartless. I'm not going to share the whole email, but I do want you guys to have a gander at how she began the email:

"I believe you have this backwards. You have been in trouble since you were in pre-school. You have disrupted this family, my marriage, and my life. Your actions were MAJOR problems not a casual remark. At no point had you ever apologized for your behavior. But you are my son and I forgave you."

I think it's this paragraph that makes me the angriest. How dare she? She then goes on to tell how she is so sick, and hurts all the time, but she still goes to work to support the family (that one was obviously meant for me), and how I'm going to be so much work to talk care of the older we get.

His brother sent her his own email telling her that he was sickened by the email she sent to Ash, and that he couldn't be around this negativity.

And she again spent a good portion talking about how horrible my fiance has been throughout his life.


I. am. LIVID.

Writer's block

It's really bothering me that I can't seem to break this. I want to work on my novel and I want to work on my memoir. But I can't seem to get going on it. I open up the chapters, maybe write a couple of sentences, and then stare at it for a while before I finally get so annoyed I close the window. I need to get working. You can't get your dreams if you don't do the work for it.

This is when it all really sucks.

I've had a migraine for the last 2 days. The medicine didn't work yesterday, and now I'm waiting for Asher to bring food back before I can take a second dose. And I have things to do. I need to make pumpkin bread for my friend's dinner party tomorrow night, and I need to wrap presents.

Someone got mad at me for daring to park in the handicapped parking spot. For one, my mom was with me too, and she has MS. But even if she wasn't, fuck you for assuming that just because I'm young, I'm completely able bodied. People of ALL AGES can be handicapped you prejudiced bitch.

25 years old!

It's my birthday!!! 25 years ago, I came into the world! Haha, poor mom didn't know half of what she would half to deal with. I'm so me do it, and headstrong. :p

re: neck pain

So, despite the power being out in the Walker building today, we did go through the whole appointment (she just couldn't do any computer work). And it actually went the opposite of what I thought. And I actually think she's right.

The gist is this: I have had previous neck pain with my migraines, just not to this degree. So when did the neck pain become unbearable: the last month or so. When did I go down on my Lyrica? September. Nothing else has changed. In fact, my headaches have actually been down the last couple of months.

So it all boils down to my fibromyalgia. Which is kind of depressing, because that means I have another "hot" area that is just as bad as my arms and legs.

They're going to increase the Lyrica again. Maybe not as much as before. She doesn't want to go back up to 600mg, but she wants to see if there is a happy medium. In the end, I've decided that I can handle the weight much better than I can handle this neck pain. Being chronically ill has always been about weighing out the positives and the negatives. And the neck pain is bad enough to change the game plan.

She's also going to talk with their headache psychologist (I didn't know that existed) to see if he might want to work with me or if he has someone else who might do a good job of working with me in the depression department (counseling only).

And finally, I have my neck exercises to do, and if they don't help, she'll look into full physical therapy on my neck.

Yay.

I go in to see my neurologist's nurse practitioner tomorrow about my neck. It's definitely something that needs to be done. I called last week and explained what was going on, but I don't see my doctor until January. So they told me to make an appointment with the nurse. I think what's going to end up happening is she'll look to make sure she can't see anything wrong, and then they'll get me an appointment with the spine clinic. I doubt anything will be answered tomorrow.

Lack of update

I know, it's been a while since I posted. I've been having some hard times. Now my neck has been really bad. It's been hurting, hard to move a lot, and it's been connected with my migraines now. I'm at my wits end. It's not as bad today though, so I guess I can be thankful for that.

We go to pick up 90 bottles of Martinelli's sparkling cider for the wedding today. Sam's club only sells them this time of year, and it would have been over $600 to get it from the main site. Screw that.

Still looking for someone to make my wedding skirt. I'm getting worried. :(

Halloween 2011

So lets talk about why this Halloween completely sucked for me.

1. I was so excited about being a cat goddess... then came to find not only did the dress make me look even fatter than I already am, but all the photos of me turned out horrible because I'm basically a huge, fat, disgusting mess.

2. I sucked at making our Sahmain ritual.

3. I left my grandma's photo at Fionna's.

4. Nightmares. I had a dream last night that Ash told me that I'm disgusting and huge and it's all my fault because I'm a lazy bitch..

So now I'm just thinking of telling him he might as well apologize to his mother, because she was right. I've ballooned up.

And I don't know that I can get married like this. I'll hate my photos forever.

The common cold

Sorry I've been kind of MIA lately. Asher and I both caught the cold that is going around, and it's HORRIBLE. I got in on Thursday, and I'm STILL sick.

I see you

I think one of the hardest parts about having chronic problems/illnesses, for me personally, is when people can see it. When other people are able to see something is going on. And that's funny because it can be so frustrating for people to use "but you don't look sick!" against you, but for some reason it really bothers me.

I like to be able to keep people from seeing it. I don't want the people in my everyday life seeing that I'm in pain or that something is wrong. And now multiple people are seeing a change in my responses (the emotional side of it all), and it bothers me.

Do you let it stop you from living, or do you just give into it and whither away?

 I never let it get to that point because it seems like once you step beyond that line, it's hard to go back. I have times where I have to remind myself what I need to do, and why it's worth it to keep going. I think you really have to be proactive about chugging along because it's easy to just want to quit. So I tell myself it's time to get up and go do something. It's time to work on wedding stuff. It's time to work out. There's still a life to life.


What kinds of things make it easier for you to manage/cope/deal with the pain?

 My family, definitely. Being able to sit and chat and laugh with Asher or with my mom makes it a little more bearable. The cats help a lot too. It's nice to have that unconditional love when you're having a bad day. They know instantly and come up to give me love. Watching comedy, writing, and just thinking of other things. 


And when all else fails, sleep.

To kill a rheumatologist

I got the paperwork for my new rheumatologist today. As is Cleveland Clinic custom, I have plenty of papers to fill out before I actually see the doctor. And looking at the paperwork is making me anxious. Not because I can't fill it out, but because this is such a huge step... I haven't had a doctor for my actual fibro all by itself since I saw Pellegrino and it all went wrong.

To recap: Pellegrino told me I was not getting better because I wanted the money from social security. Obviously it couldn't be that his methods weren't working, but that I was purposely refusing to get better. And I'm quoting that last part of the sentence. He then stormed out on me in the middle of the appointment with no order to see me again. When we asked for my medical records, all he sent were his appointment notes also stating that I was refusing to get better.

I've seen plenty of pain doctors since then, but not a rheumatologist. And I'm so scared that I'm going to see this doctor and he's going to say the same thing. It's completely irrational, I know, but I can't shake it. I look at this paperwork and I just feel complete and utter terror.

So how do I kill these ghosts?

Even more questions

How have your cats influenced your health? Both the good and bad ways.

 I guess I'll start with the bad. They affect my sleep a lot. Daisy more than Bug and Rhapsody. She's still a kitten so she's getting into everything. She likes to play with things on the bed, make  lots of noise, play with the blinds. Sometimes I try to kick her out of the room, but that doesn't always help because then she'll attack the door. Less sleep equals more pain. 

Cuddling sometimes can have bad reactions too because I'll end up in one position for a long time, and then when I finally get a chance to spread out, it's horrible.

But they also do a lot of good for me. They always seem to know when I'm upset, and they come up for pets and cuddles and love when I am. They help ease my depression, make me realize there are still good things to look forward to. And they give unconditional love. They're also a good distraction technique. I can sit there watching them play with Asher and I forget entirely that I was just in pain, or that I wasn't feeling well.

And they have stopped me from trying to commit suicides many times. I stop and think about them trying to wake me up and it breaks my heart. I can't do that to them.


All in all, the good far outweighs the bad.

Happy birthday Grandma

Yesterday was a very hard day emotionally. It would have been my grandma's 91st birthday. It's still a struggle to be without her. Knowing that she isn't a phone call away, that she can't be there to see everything going on. It's heartbreaking. I just want her back so badly.

And I want her to be proud of me, but I feel like I'm failing her on that end. What am I doing that is good, that is worthwhile?

A harder question

What do you say to people that think it isn't real?
 I'm of the belief that if someone doesn't believe something is real, and they don't want to, no amount of arguing with them is going to change that. All it's going to end up doing is upsetting me and they'll still be pretty damn smug in their assumptions. I will say that I know differently, and that we're done with the conversation. This would also be my cue to end the relationship completely, and I don't care who it is. If my mom told me I'm lying and there is no such thing as fibromyalgia, no matter how close we are, I'd be done.

When you have it, then you can talk to me about how real it is. Until then, get the fuck out.

I have had one doctor so far that told me that he didn't believe fibromyalgia was a real disease. And if it was, it wouldn't be as widespread as he's seen it (let's ignore the fact he was a migraine specialist, and that migraines and fibro go hand in hand and no wonder 75% of the women in his office have both.....) That was my last appointment with him.

Unfortunately, there really isn't a good answer for this question, because it's always going to come from someplace different for each person, and not everyone is going to be as quick to be done as me. Some people get it from friends, some from family, some from doctors. Even if you choose not to engage, it still hurts. How could people think that something so difficult and so widespread is all a lie?

While leads into 2 other questions asked, so I'll include them.

I would ask how others treat you (friends and family). I have a good friend who has fibromyalgia. Her family thinks she uses it as an excuse to get out of doing things (housework, job etc...). Do people treat you that way or do you get a lot of support?

 It's definitely a mixture. 


My closest friends treat it as I think it should be treated: It's there, it's real, support her to do what she can, but be ready for when she can't. For example, in my coven (they're like family to me), they are willing to do anything to get it so I can be included in activities. Say they want to do a nature hike. Fionna has told me time and time again, she will let me walk as much as I can, and then come hell or high water, they will get me through the rest of that hike even if they have to all push the wheelchair. 


My close family is the same way (like my mom and step dad, Asher, my cousin Sara, etc).


Most of my family (aunts, cousins, uncles, etc) don't really want to hear about it. They don't really care. Which can be very hurtful. I've gone back and forth multiple times with my mom about how certain family members just don't care what happens to me, and how it hurts to know they don't love me. And mom tries to show me examples of how they do love me, and with some of them I do sway on whether I think they love me.


I, luckily, have actually come across very few who extend the type of treatment your friend is going through. One was a doctor; my first fibromyalgia doctor. He told me that I was the one that was refusing to get better because I wanted money from disability. It thanks to him that I don't have a doctor specifically for fibro right now, and why I am so afraid to see this new rheumatologist at Cleveland Clinic. What if the new doctor thinks the same thing about me?


And then there is Asher's mom... Apparently there was a lot of shit talking when I had to finally give in and quit school. Her and his great aunt have it in their head that I'm using it to be lazy and to mooch off my fiance. His aunt has actually asked him about it. "What is wrong with her? Why doesn't she work? You need two incomes coming in!" She does it in such a way that you can't really go off on her, but you know what she is trying to say...

Do you feel that others around you (including friends, family, acquaintances, strangers) have a good understanding of and respect for your disability?

For the most part, no. Very few know exactly what I go through, and what it all entails. Only really my mom and my fiance have done research for it, and know better than anyone what I can do, what I can't do, the disappointments, the setbacks.

I think for the most part, people are respectful about it, but they don't have a good understanding because they don't put the effort in to truly understand it.

Now don't get me wrong, though. I don't hold that against people. All I really need for my friends to understand is that I'm not snubbing them or being rude if I can't make it to something because I get sick. And I still battle with that because too many people take it personally instead of what it really is: a body that is sick.

Maybe one day they will have a really good understanding of it. But I'm fine with it.

Question time!

I'm still trying to decide whether I want to do just one question a post or a couple. I guess it depends on the mood I'm in.


What forms of alternative medicine have u tried?

 If this includes things like vitamins, then I have tried a few. But I haven't tried anything beyond vitamins. I take things like B12, B-2 (for migraine), CO-Q-10 (for migraine), Vitamin D, Fibercon, and magnesium. Now I take salt pills. One of my pain doctors wants me to try acupuncture, but I'm not entirely sure yet... It kind of freaks me out, and I have to get a specific type of doctor for my insurance to accept it. It can't just be someone who does oriental medicine or my insurance won't pay. But that's really about it.


What do you do to cope with your Pain from a mental stand point?

 I do meditation a lot. I'm actually able to go into a trance form really fast now. It's kind of like there is a switch in my brain that I hit and I go into meditation form. I also try and talk to myself a lot. Like I try to tell myself "you can do this" or "just another hour and we're done with this and it will be okay." And if it's really bad, I try and work on my stories. I can disappear for hours into my stories if I want to. I'll draw a hot bath, and just disappear into my mind.

Chronic pain really does a number to you mentally. There are days I think "I can't do this" or that I'm just going to break.There are days where it just seems like too much and how am I going to live years and years like this when I can't even get through one day? 

I also try to laugh a lot. I watch videos online, I look at cat photos, I watch comedy routines. I can escape in that.

Questions

If you had one question you could ask me about living with chronic pain/fibromyalgia/being a pain patient, what would you ask? (Each question will end up getting it's own post with my answer).

Depression hurts

With medication changes can come a lot of issues. I really do think at this point it was the Abilify causing the weight gain. It's the last one I went off of, the last one to get out of the system, and it was only then that appetite changes started.

The problem is that to be completely fair, I know the Abilify was helping. So going off of it is kind of hard. I'm starting to get affected by it. I've had times when it feels really hard to just keep going. I've had some panic attacks. I've had days I don't want to go out and do anything because what's the point?

I don't really know what I'm going to do. I am starting to lose weight finally. So I might be willing to add on another antidepressant like I used to take, but I'm not sure. I need to talk to my doctor...

So I went with my friend Shellie to one of her classes last night. And I have to admit, being in the classroom, seeing the work, listening to a teacher, watching speeches... it made me miss what I used to have, and makes me wish my story turned out differently. It's not like I miss the homework and the work involved. I miss the atmosphere and feeling like you're doing something interesting and worthwhile.

So many people think we go on disability because we're lazy and don't want to work, and they don't realize how agonizing it is to lose things like going to school or getting to work. They don't think about how hurtful their comments like that are because we DO want to work, we DO want to have careers, we DO want to finish school.

I had so many dreams and aspirations. First and foremost, I was going to go into the FBI and work in the behavioral side of it. The profiling. And I was damn good at it too. I also wanted to help counsel people who had been in situations like mine. I wanted to reach out to abused children and show them there were people who wanted to help. And finally I wanted to be an author.

The only dream I have left is the last one. I've let the other ones go because it's just not possible. And I still mourn that sometimes.

And it kills me sometimes how people debate my options with me. Because it's not like I haven't sat there and thought of all the possibilities. I get to the point I just sit and nod rather than tell them the cold, hard truth of it. I know they want better for me. I want better for me.

But reality is truly a bitch.

The time for silence?

I've thought long and hard, and I think I'm just going to say outright what has been bothering me.

When I lived in Utah, there was a lot of things going on that should have been reported to child services. There was a lot of abuse, a lot of things to deal with, and I became suicidal at one point because of it. I truly think the worst abuse, though, was the sexual abuse.

In the end I had 2 different people doing it to me. A boy across the street, and a girl down the street who lived in my friends' old house. Annie would use a lot of manipulation to get me to go what she wanted. She would take me down into the basement, and want to kiss, wanted me to use my hands to touch her, she touched me. The only thing I had to use against her was I would threaten to leave. That saved me a few times, until I finally said, firmly, NO MORE.

That's when she started attacking me in any way she could. She told my father I buried her dog. Only me. It was actually her that wanted to do it. And I will admit my part in it. I didn't realize the dog could be hurt. It never occurred to me. And I was the one who dug the dog back up. She also told him I purposely ran over her dog with my bike (which wasn't what happened. We were riding our bikes and the dog ran underneath it. You know how dogs and cats sometimes run underneath your feet? It was like that. And I was horrified and immediately jumped off my bike to make sure it was okay).

Devon on the other hand had a lot more control over me. He didn't care if I threatened to leave. It didn't really matter to him. He forced me to french kiss him (and because of that I freak out if tongue is used at all near my mouth), he would grab my hand and force it down his pants.

Why am I telling you all these details, you ask? Because I feel like if I don't you won't believe me.

I got this flash a couple nights ago that I finally had this long talk with my father that needs to take place if we want to fix our relationship, and in it, he told me he didn't believe me about Devon. He never had. And he never will.

I had actually gotten into trouble when the whole Devon thing came out. So I never bothered to tell him about Annie. Because he didn't believe me then, why would he believe me now? But I've come to realize.... if he doesn't believe me, then I CAN'T have a relationship with him. I can't let someone into my world if they don't believe something that has scarred me so badly.

Asher could tell you how many times I've freaked out on him, how many times I've gotten upset when he's done something even slightly similar to how Devon did (not forcing me, but things like taking my hand and leading my sexually, or trying to use tongue in kissing). But would that even matter to my father?

Why am I still this little girl that is so yearning of his acceptance and so afraid of his rejection? I don't want to be like this! I don't want to lay there on the couch crying for hours because I realize he doesn't believe me and probably never will.

I want to just not care.

Pissed off

Apparently I'm an idiot and shallow for choosing to go down on some of my meds to aid with the weight loss instead of staying on, being fat, and having less pain.

What to do?

I had another mental breakdown, and now I'm kind of on the fence of what to do. I have 2 major choices with this one, and it could change my life forever. But because of that it kind of has me in this place of being scared.

1. I could talk about what caused it, and start the steps towards what could be the final days of a major relationship in my life (no, not with Asher).

or

2. I keep my mouth shut and and just deal with all of the questions and doubts on my own.

So far I've been doing #2, obviously, but I really don't know how long I can let the questions go. And I hate being so vague about it, but I know that if I say exactly what it's about, I have no choice but to move forward. I'm torn between wanting to save the relationship and wanting to know the truth. :-/

In other news, I think I'm going to have them fiddle with my meds to try and find a combination that is both helpful and not causing more weight gain. I'm up to 180 lbs and I'm just at my wits end. I'm also fiddling with weight watchers.

So I'll take back my Lyrica and Cymbalta to where it was at before the clinic, and then after a little, watch to see if the weight changes, then start going back up on Cymbalta. That way I'll know which med is doing it. Here's to hoping I survive it!

Getting away

So I went up to Michigan for the weekend to see my friend Ash. This was my first time actually doing the drive all by myself. It's 3 hours from here. And I actually handled it rather well. The drive back was harder on my body, but I survived and thank god for Tylenol!

It was mainly a big handout session. Our mutual friend Kelly came over the first night to hang out and it was great to see her again. It's been around 3 years!

Ash, Kelly, and me

Then the second day, I did something I wasn't sure I'd ever do! I got a tattoo! I was really worried about the pain aspect, and whether it would heal alright with all of my health issues. I will say that the pain was definitely a 9 out of 10 when he was actually tattooing me. But I was able to get through it, and I absolutely love the tattoo. It was exactly what I wanted and he did a great job.

All in all, I had a great time, and it was nice meeting some of her best friends. We're going to try and plan a Cedar Point trip with everyone. They'll drive down and we'll drive up and I think it will be a blast!

New beginnings

So we got a new cat. We've been talking for a long time about getting a longer haired cat, one that is extremely cuddly and loves to just sit on your lap. So I had been looking around and Asher was going to the different shelters, and he found one he just fell in love with. A little black medium haired kitten that was 5 months old. We named her Daisy. She was following him around the shelter, giving him loves, and she is such a cuddle kitten. She loves just laying in your lap all day, and is so easy going.

The other cats are kind of upset, but they are starting to get used to it. They started out constantly hissing at her, and now they are sniffing at her, and playing around her.

I loves her.

Remember

May we always remember what happened on 9/11/01.

All about the alcohol

It's interesting to me just how important social drinking is in our society. I don't think we notice it that much until we have a big reason not to.

Bachelorette party? Drink!
Wedding? Drink!
Labor day? Drink!
4th of July? Drink!
Christmas! Egg nog, drink!

I'm sure I could go on and on. And it's not like I'm really complaining about it. I just find it interesting. I, of course, have to sit by the sidelines for it. You can't drink with the types of medications I'm on. It's dangerous. And add on my heart problems, drinking isn't good for POTS.

And it does feel like I'm a little left out. I'm in my mid-20's, and this is something I supposed to be experiencing during college. And then I got sick. What's funny is that I don't even really like the taste of alcohol. It's more that because it has been yanked from me, I feel a bit of a loss.

For those of you who can't drink either, I totally recommend Martinelli's sparkling cider. It tastes great, and it feels like you get to party with people without having to hurt your body. I am addicted to that stuff!

A little look inside the crack

Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped. Trapped in a body that is shutting itself down slowly. Trapped while the outside world takes its toll and I'm helpless to stop it. As pain patients, we're supposed to be brave, to take things as well as we can, and just try to enjoy life. And I do that, most of the time, but you can't always feel that way can you? You can't always keep a brave face on. There are times where all you can do is sit there and try not to cry.

And yes, I'm okay. I'm not having another breakdown, I'm just in pain and it's weighing down on me.

10 years

And now it officially is 10 years. And you know, I'm okay. I'm handling it well, and I am glad that I had 10 more years to be here. Yeah, those 10 years haven't been amazing, but there have been amazing moments, and amazing people. Had I died 10 years ago, I never would have finished high school, never would have gone to college, never would have met my fiance, would never get married, never have children, never have been able to save my cats.

To be fair, I also never would have gotten sick, never would have watched my relationship with my father deteriorate, never would have been disabled, never would have been cheated on, never would have been dumped because I was sick, and never would have had to deal with bad friends: lying to me, feeling like my feelings are a joke, treating me like I was their bitch, being used, and so on.

But in the end, the good far outweigh the bad.

10 years ago....

This actually is still a week away, but it's been weighing on my mind, so I thought I'd discuss it. 10 years ago marks a time that was very hard for me. I had only been in Ohio for a semester, I was a new freshman in high school, and to top it all off, I really hard to start dealing with the full effects of my PTSD. I hadn't been seeing counselors for very long, and I had finally agreed to going on a medication.

Now, let me say that I do think Prozac is an effective tool. I know because it was for me, but not until it was used right. This psychiatrist put a severely depressed, suicidal girl on a medication and then decided it was fine that I not be seen regularly. I didn't think anything about it at the time. I didn't understand how dangerous that was.

Until 10 years ago.

It was Friday right before Labor day weekend, and I was having a lot of problems. Top it all off with the fact that I got into a huge fight with my friend and it set me off. I went into mom's room while she was at the store, took half of her Tylenol bottle (extra strength) and downed them. I would have taken all of them, but I wanted to leave some for my mom, who has MS and deals with a lot of pains.

I would have succeeded too had I not posted my suicide not online. I forgot that there was one person who had a phone number to someone other than me, and luckily she took what a 14 year old was saying seriously.

I remember when we were in the emergency room and I could feel all of my muscles tensing. It was like being pinched really hard right on the muscles.

I was dying.

Every single year since then, when Labor day rolls around, it's hard not to think about it. The doctors told my parents that had they been just a few minutes later, there wouldn't have been anything they could do to help me.

I would hope that if you are ever faced with someone saying they have taken something, or are going to take something, that you take it seriously. It could mean the difference between life and death.

Yay for the grad!

So today is finally the day of Asher's graduation party. With the wedding events, we couldn't do it until now. His mom was not invited, but Aunt Dolly was. Not sure if she'll go though. I know she doesn't like me anymore because Sharon doesn't like me, and those 2 are like little peas in a pod. Whatever.

We're going to have brauts, au gratin potatoes, baked beans, cake, and oatmeal scotchie cookies! Lots of good food. I still need to ice the cake though. It's not going to look as nice as the ones from the grocery store or anything, but it will taste good and it's from the heart.

Here's to everything going well!

Live to dance

So, I went to one of my specialists today. One of the ones dealing with my POTS. So we've upped my fludrocortisone, which is a steroid meant to hold sodium in my system. We're adding on a salt tablet. And he wants me to work on an aerobic exercise system.

I guess there have been studies in people with POTS that they can strengthen the heart with aerobic exercise. Normally people with POTS have smaller hearts, less able to handle stress and exercise. But with aerobic exercise, they can enlarge the heart and get stronger. Which makes sense.

I have a couple of dance workout videos I want to try out. See if that can get my heart going. I'll obviously listen to my body if it tells me to stop. But it's something.

Etsy goodness

I've been adding things to my my etsy shop and wanted to share. :)

Wedding!

The wedding went really well. It was beautiful, she was beautiful, and now they are married!

And now I'm really back into my wedding planning. I want to get stuff done early so I don't have to scramble by the end of it. I'm still waiting to hear back from the corset place though. If they don't get back to me, I'm going to have to find someone else to do it, which sucks... I want to make sure it is really good quality.

I found out the most horrible thing about my future mother in law.... and oh god, I'm disgusted. I'm not going to go into details, but I will say if I have children, she is not allowed to be near them at all. EVER.

Freaking out a little bit

So today is my friend's rehearsal dinner for her wedding. She's marrying my fiance's brother, which is great because I love them both and am so happy for them. The problem I have? It means I have to see my soon to be mother in law....

You know, after everything that has happened, I am scared to death to see her. I broke down crying the other morning because I knew I had to see her. Ash is trying to tell me I have nothing to be afraid of, and maybe I don't, but that doesn't mean it changes my feelings. I don't want to see her. Ever. She has done so many horrible and hurtful things and I just can't handle it.

Of course, I will do this for Shellie and Aaron. Plain and simple. I am excited for the wedding. But it will be really hard all the same.

My brudder (brother)

I want to talk a bit about my brother. For starters, he knows how to push my buttons. He can send me into freak out mode, and then he can calm me down. When I was younger, he used to love to get me into meltdown mode. But now he's finally using his magic powers for good and he can calm me down so fast.

Justin is an honest man, sweet, loving, funny, hyper, and he hopes one day to be a good father, which I know he will be. He loves teaching people and helping people. He's compassionate and empathetic. He's just a great guy all around.

I've been having a real bad time lately with my depression and anxiety, and he has been a rock throughout it. Every chance he gets, he shows me how much he loves me. That's really important to know when it feels like the rest of the world is falling apart. To have at least one person there with their hands outreached to you. I'm lucky to have him as my brother.



Now I haven't mentioned this before, but he is currently going through a divorce. All of us were so surprised because we thought the marriage was a solid one. At first I actually felt kind of sorry for his ex-wife because she was missing out on one of the greatest guys ever. And now I'm just angry at her.

Go ahead and hate him. It doesn't matter because he's moved on. He's not going to pay attention to your little temper tantrums now. But it's not his fault your life has fallen apart. This was all your own doing, not his. You chose to cheat, you chose to go hog wild in your personal life. The only person to blame here is YOU.

Maybe you should take a good look at yourself and maybe then you'll see who is ruining your life. Because I promise you, it is not my brother.


His girlfriend is lucky to have him. Hold on to him girl. He is the best.

Sigh

Honestly, I'm beginning to regard my depression problems are being even worse than the fibromyalgia at the moment. I go back and forth from being all right to ridiculously messed up. Luckily today the extent of my freak out was to just go over to the couch, say I'm worthless, and go to sleep. It's definitely not one of my worst, but it's not good either.

And I know as soon as I tell my psychiatrist this, he's going to be having me come in every 2 weeks, doing med changes, and all that good stuff... I don't know whether I should mark each day I manage to go off the edge. It would at least let me see realistically how bad it is right now.

And yes, Justin, I did think of calling you. And then I decided I just wanted to sleep. So I did think about it, and it actually did calm me down a little.

Now I'm making the first batch of pumpkin muffins for the wedding. It smells like heaven in here. At least that's a good thing.

Crafting I didn't know I could do!

I'm not the best with sewing machines. I need to figure out again how to thread my sewing machine and work on it some more. I am getting fairly good at hand sewing. But still, I'm not that confident in it. So when Shellie asked me to do the bustle for both her wedding dress and coat, I was ready to have a heart attack! Every time the dress was brought up last night, I started to freak out.

Luckily, Sarah knew how to put them in the right place, and I pinned it, and then did the scary part: sewing them. It turned out really well though!

We got a ton of wedding stuff done yesterday too. Still have a lot more to do, but yeah. It's getting there.

Woo!

Bachelor party for Asher's brother Aaron today. Ash bought things for beer pong, and a cheap beer bong and then they're going to play video games. I get to be there for the beginning only because I'll be in the kitchen dealing with food. Then I get to go to my room and dye my hair for the wedding. I have a feeling poor Rhapsody will be hiding in the closet all night.

Black cherry

Just bought some new drinks. I'm going back to flavored water. The doctor wants me to get more water in my system, and also to have drinks that are completely calorie free. I still need to talk to the other doctor about the electrolytes I need from the Gatorade, but for now this will do. We'll see if it causes me to pass out more or not. The problem the doctors have had with water is that it flushes out the sodium, which I need to store more of than normal people so I don't have the dizzy spells and pass out.

Also bought a bunch of fruit because he said adding more fruits and veggies to the diet will help me lose some of this medicine weight. I'm going to force myself to get into the gym MWF and then do other exercises at home on the other days. Hopefully this will work.

Nightmares

I notice that my nightmares always revolve around Utah. That's usually the setting where they take place. I think it's part of the PTSD. That's where a lot of it happened. I've noticed that in the dreams, I'm a lot safer if it takes place at grandma's house, whereas the big brown house on Navajo is where the worst nightmares occur. It's interesting.

I got an audio CD of my grandma telling about her life. It's kind of bittersweet. I get to hear her voice again. I get to hear about her life. I get to hear her tell me stories. But it makes me miss her even more.

A candle for Kim

May you rest in peace. I love you. I'll miss you.

Distraction

I went to the funeral yesterday, and it was... painful. Hearing the eulogy, seeing the coffin, watching the slide show. It was difficult. I almost completely lost it when they were wheeling the coffin out. It was finally real. I couldn't try to deny it was true because there it was right in front of me.

I'm just lucky we have Shellie's wedding right in front of us because it keeps me distracted. We have a lot to do still for it, and I'm hoping that will make me forget for now.

I just want to know why.

And the rain keeps coming

One of my friends from the Chronic Pain Rehabilitation Center at Cleveland Clinic died on July 27. I just found out today.

I'm completely numb. It doesn't make sense. She was doing so much better. She had gotten the help she needed, she was doing well, seeing her grandson a lot, spending time with her kids. She was happy. I don't understand why this had to happen.

Yay for some good news finally!

I'm not going to go into large detail about what happened because I think my fiance deserves his privacy, but I will say that many years ago (over 3 now) he made some pretty big mistakes and ended up with a felony on his record and spending 6 months in prison. His family refers to it as camp. I hate that term because I think it makes it seem much nicer than it was. He went through hell in there, and lets just call it what it is. Prison.

Anyway... we went to court today because he had a hearing on whether they would expunge it off his record or not. He was the really calm one while I was fidgety as hell. I was worried the prosecutor would have some objection (because isn't that what they normally do?) but it went off without a hitch, and it will be expunged within 30 days.

I'm so glad!

Quote of the century!

So, I didn't even mean to do this, but it cracked me up afterward. I'm in the process of making penis cupcakes for my friend's bachelorette party on Saturday, and the cat got under my feet and was trying to get attention. So I said this to her:

"I'm sorry honey, but mommy has to get the penises out of the oven."

Mental breakdowns are fun!

As you all can see, I had a complete break down last night. I'm kind of avoiding phone calls, partly because I'm tired and partly because I just can't talk about it right now. The wound is too fresh. There is so much that led to it and my mind gets going and there's not much I can do.

I did talk to Ash about it, and am starting to feel better. I have in my mind that I must be this horrible person because I keep losing friends, and I feel responsible for what happened with Ash and his mom. And I always say, if something keeps happening, eventually you have to look to yourself for what you need to fix. And so I looked at myself last night and decided that I was worthless and horrible.

And now today I'm kind of outside myself. I guess it's kind of a dissociative response. It's like I'm here, but I'm not. I don't know how to describe it.

Just know that right now I am safe, which really is the most important thing at the moment.

This world would be a better place without me in it.

Dad, I wish you had truly loved me. It's all I ever wanted.

Wedding things

We have everything ready for Shellie's bachelorette party. And then today we go and get Andreana her dress. Not much time left until Shellie's wedding. I plan on making sure everything goes smoothly for them. No matter what some drama certain people might want to dredge up, I'm not putting up with it. And we have at least one other bridesmaid who has the same feelings on it that I do.

Working on a memoir with the same title as this blog. I'm dealing with all the mother in law stuff since it's still fresh in my mind and it won't be too hard to write up, then I'll go back to the beginning and work from there. It's good to be writing again.

This weight issue..

I think this is something a lot of pain patients deal with: unwanted weight gain.

I'm sure everyone knows already that I've had a significant amount of weight gain. It's because of my medications, and it sucks because that is one of the hardest to shed off because it's not necessarily you. It's the meds. I've been really upset about it too. I look down and I feel depressed about it. I see the stretch marks, the big belly hanging out, my large thighs, and it makes me so mad. I don't want to be like this. I was comfortable in the weight I was before. It was always between 120 and 140, but I could handle that. 170? I don't think I can handle that.

So, concentrated efforts to try and get it off. I want to start going to gym each day, even if that means walking out with Ash while he heads off to work and heading over to our apartment gym. I'm not thrilled with our apartment gym. The bike makes loud noises, I can't handle a step climber or tread mill (I'm in so much pain afterward) and I wouldn't even know how to use the bowflex. But at least it's something. And at least 2 to 3 times a week I need to go to the big gym. I need to start working on this. I can't just pretend it's not there. I want to look amazing for my wedding, and with that comes the weight loss (in my eyes).

I know I need to find a way to feel comfortable in myself no matter what, but I don't know that even a year is enough time to try and get me to that point. And getting into shape isn't a bad thing either. It's better for me. It helps my pain levels, which have been bad lately.

In good news, though, I finished my first commissioned work for someone. I actually created someone's wedding invitation! I felt so proud, and it made me feel so good. It was the first time in a long time I felt really truly necessary and important. I can definitely say my depression was significantly decreased because of it. That's a big deal. And it's proof that in order to be happy, I need to be doing something artistic. That's my calling in life.

I almost want to say "sorry dad" because I have a feeling my father will look down on my choice. Maybe I'm wrong. It just seems like even my dream to just write books was kind of eye rolled at in that house.

I don't even care. I love art, I love being artistic, this is what I am meant to do.

2 years!

2 years ago, the love of my life asked me to be his girl. It was the best decision I ever made, and I am in heaven when I'm with him. I love you, baby! Happy anniversary!

The End....?

Well, I'm sure it's not entirely the end. The shit has hit the fan and this will be a huge explosion.

Either way, I'm pretty sure Ash and I have been kicked out of the family. Well, at least when it comes to Sharon. The birthday party went horribly. She attacked me personally rather than just admit that she said anything about my weight. Called me a rude person, how I'm always rude to them. No, I'm not. I've been nothing but nice to you, woman, even when I got to the point I couldn't stand you. And if you're talking about me being quiet? Well now you're just being a bitch. I'm quiet because of a very severe, genetic social phobia. She also tried saying I never liked her, which isn't true. I never liked her husband, but she was a different story. It wasn't until his grandma died and we started seeing how petty and cruel she could be, and that's when I stopped liking her.

Ash wouldn't stand for her doing that, and went off on her. I don't even remember the specifics because I walked out after the first insult (she did more after I left).

Either way, he gave his key back and we're not going over there or contacting them again. Ash was expecting this and he's very calm about the whole thing. He's been expecting it for a long time.

I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand

Those lyrics say a hell of a lot that I feel a lot of the time.

Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect

Wow....

My future sister-in-law, Andreana, was talking to Sharon last night. Apparently Sharon admits to what she did, at least about Shellie, and told Andreana why should she apologize since she did nothing wrong? She was perfectly right in what she said.

I cannot believe this woman!!

What is family?

I think my brother has magical powers. It started when we were young, and has lasted even until now. He has this uncanny ability to just calm me down and make me feel better. I don't even know how he does it. And he's right in what he says too. We can't let Sharon just get away with talking behind our backs about things so sensitive as weight. We can't let her think this behavior  is okay in any way.

Ash and I have been talking extensively about what is going to happen now. He's sad it has come to this, but I think he is ready to turn away if he has to. He's planning on talking about what she did as calmly as possible. The best scenario is that she admits what she did and just apologizes to all parties involved. Worst case scenario is that we walk out while telling her she isn't welcome in our house either.

But what I have definitely decided is that after the birthday party, I will not be going to her house again. My brother is right in that it needs to be a clean break away so she knows I'm not accepting her behavior. And in the long run, it's better for me. I'm so tired of pretending to like them. They are such fake people, and I can only handle a few hours with them before I get tired of the game. So it's better to just remove myself from the situation. If Ash wants to continue to go over there, then that is up to him. It's still his mother. But I don't have to, and I won't.

We'll see what happens this weekend though. Aaron has already told his mom that he is unhappy with all of this, and I'm proud of him for sticking up to her. I know he tends to lean toward not making waves, but this is his wife we're talking about and he has to stick up for her. And he did. And Ash will too. This birthday party will change things forever.

This bitch

Now that I'm a little calmer, I can actually talk about this better. So, my future mother-in-law, known from now on known as Sharon, is the type of person who has no qualms about making fun of someone behind their back. We've seen her do it many times, unfortunately. I already knew she talked behind my back, and it didn't really bother me because what she was saying was just so ridiculous it was funny to me.

For example, I'm a bad person apparently for saying "hi" instead of "hello" and how dare I call her by her actual name and not Mom. Um, you aren't my mom, you'll never be my mom. Get over it, Sharon..

Well on Friday, I let it slip to Shellie that Sharon had been making fun of her weight, which is a horrible thing to do to someone who has had problems with bulimia like Shellie has. I felt so horrible, not because I told her, but because of how badly it affected her. I felt responsible for the pain she was in. Aaron, her fiance and Asher's brother, then told us that Sharon had made a comment about how I've been ballooning up.

Now this wouldn't have bothered me except I was already very upset with my weight gain, all which is happening because of my medications which makes it impossible to really do anything about it. So that made it 100 times worse.

We spent yesterday kind of obsessing over it because we couldn't get it out of our minds. We want to tell her somehow that we know what she is doing. I want to hear Asher tell her that's unacceptable behavior and that we won't tolerate it. And then every part of me never wants to go to her house again. Shellie feels the same way, but she has firmly decided she's never going back over there while I'm on the fence because it's not really fair to people whose party is being thrown. Like Asher for instance. His birthday party is being thrown this weekend coming up. I can't just not go. It's for my fiance. Same with his graduation party later this month.

I think we're just going to go to Uncle Tom's this year for thanksgiving though. Not sure about Christmas eve yet. We'll see.

I just don't want to go back. I don't want to pretend I like this woman anymore. It's a lie. She's a horrible person, And not someone I want to deal with at all. I'm just done playing these stupid games.

Sharon, you're an adult. You're in your damn 50s. Grow the fuck up.

Oh hell no

So my mother in law apparently thinks its okay to not only talk shit behind people's back, but she also thinks it's pretty damn funny to make fun of other people's weight. How is that even close to okay? You're saying shit about 1. someone who is gaining weight because of meds and 2. someone who used to be bulimic, and we're talking about 2 different people here. HOW IS THAT EVER OKAY?

She makes me never want to go over to her house. I'm so done with her. I'm done pretending to be nice, pretending to like her. Because I don't. Her and her husband are horrible people, and if I have kids, they will NOT be around this shit. I'm so done.

Phone woes

I got a new phone. Not because I wanted a new phone. No. But because I dropped my phone into a bowl of water last night and killed it. You can imagine just how happy I was. But now my phone is purple, and luckily my old phone did a system backup of all my contacts, so even though my phone was unreadable, they were still able to move my contacts over. Thank the gods!

Oh thank the gods my friend is okay. That dream has had me messed up for a few days now, and he finally posted!

Freaked out

First off, I have a new symptom, and it's driving me nuts. This extreme cramping in my calves while I'm sleeping. It's so bad it wakes me up, and I don't know what to do. Nothing helps it. I usually end up bending my knees and just waiting for it to subside. But this sucks!

And now why I'm freaked out. I had a dream last night that I was at a graveyard and I was looking for my friend's grave. I couldn't find it, and I was so upset. I was crying. I needed to see that grave. The thing that really gets me is it was a very specific person. About a month ago he attempted suicide, and was saved. But I haven't seen him online in a couple of weeks, haven't heard from him. And now I'm freaking out.

The first time here

My mom and daddy are coming over to the apartment tonight. We're having hamburgers and just sitting and talking while they get to see the apartment for the first time. We plan on having a housewarming party too, but I wanted my parents to have the chance to come over on their own for a quieter night. I'm excited.

And then tomorrow we celebrate Litha as a group. I'm busy baking herb bread today and solstice cookies! We're having a lot of summer food, like ribs, corn on the cob. It'll be delicious! I'm the one who is planning the entire day, and I'm really nervous. This is my first big ritual. I usually am not a ritual writer, but we want everyone to get the chance to plan something. I hope I do a good job!

I have some posts to make, like about the graduation, but I'm so emotionally drained right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the point right now. I just want to sleep....

The dangers of medications

I'll talk about the trip to California later because I feel talking about this might be a little more important right now.


Now, I am a firm believer that medications can be very, very helpful. I also believe that if you get the right doctor, it's not about his paycheck, but about what they can do to help. These are the kind of doctors I have so it's not like I am against the medications I'm on. But sometimes something happens and it makes me a little afraid of other people dealing with it.

I messed up big time on this trip. I mispacked my medications. I had no Lyrica. I had to ask Asher to send it out next day mail.

Withdrawls from HELL.

I had shakes, hot flashes, so much extra pain, and more. It was horrible. I was shaking so hard the day I finally got the meds in the mail. I hated having my cousins see me like that. But this is the price we pay for taking the medications that help us. There is always a chance of withdrawl.

What's funny is that I have never taken illegal drugs in my life, but I have had the horrible withdrawls multiple times. It'd ridiculous.

Musings of a cutter

Every time I get undressed, I see the remnants of what I have done to myself. Sometimes I'm fascinated that it has such lasting power. I will probably still have these scars on the day I die. Other times I'm disgusted by my quickness to go to the blade for help. And then, more than anything, I feel ashamed that I let myself get to that point.

My parents both have very different reactions to my cutting: my mom was sad and upset, while my father seemed more annoyed than anything. I will never forget being told over the phone that as long as I was cutting I wasn't welcome in his house. I wonder what he would say if he knew I still cut. Just because you haven't heard about it doesn't mean it just went away.

It's that ugly little secret that I don't bring up a lot. I prefer to talk about it in the past tense, as if I was far away from the time when I would cut myself. But I know I'm really not. The wrong thing, and it sends me spiraling over the edge.

I see those commercials a lot for those creams that help reduce the look of scars. Sometimes I want to get it and see if I can erase my past. Other times I don't want to erase it at all, because it's a reminder of what I have lived through. You'd think it would be an easy choice, but it's not.

Why do I cut? Because it's like this huge release. I have all of this tension, anger, and sadness building up inside me and if I don't let it out somehow, I feel like I might explode. I cut, and it's just this wave of calm that crashes over me. The tension in my shoulders go away. And then I know for the next couple of months I can escape that explosion.

Friends threatening me with not being my friend anymore, and parents threatening that I wasn't allowed to visit, was actually one of the worst things they could have done to a child who was cutting because of depression and suicidal ideation. It made me feel more alone and unloved.

I have Papa to thank for teaching me how to take care of my cuts. I told him and my Ma once what I had done, and they were disappointed. But more than anything, Papa wanted to tell me how to clean it out, wrap it, and take care of it so it didn't get infected. I do that every single time. As much as he hates my cutting, I hope he takes some solace in knowing that he taught me well at taking care of the wound. I know that so many would have gotten infected without his advice.

My name is Emi, and I am a cutter. I think I will be fighting this battle of not to cut for the rest of my life.

(also, happy 100th post!)

Apartment

Still trying to get the internet sorted out. Right now we're just hooking up the computers right to the connection, which isn't in the long run our ideal set up. We want computers working in the other rooms. So we'll see what happens. Ash needs to work on it a little more.

Did I mention how incredibly happy I am to be at this apartment? I feel like this new door to our future has opened and it looks amazing from this side.

And I love our apartment, from the small, tiny kitchen to the bare patio. It doesn't seem like much when you look at it, but with all of our belongings, and just knowing that it's ours, it makes it like a fantasy world. We will have many amazing conversations on that patio. We'll eat amazing food out of that tiny kitchen. It's perfect.

Moving day!

Moving went well. We still have a lot to unpack, and it seems like a huge mountain to surpass at the moment. But then I look at all we got accomplished just tonight in unpacking, and it seems as little less daunting. I keep going back and forth on what the boxes make me feel.

The bed is in the process of being built by the boys, and I'm back with the cats at mom's house. I'll probably go to sleep soon. It seems early for me, seeing as 10 is usually when I start to settle down, but we've been up since early and have been going, going, going.

Cats go to the apartment tomorrow. Can't wait to see how they react to this strange, new place!\

And yes, moving does suck as someone with chronic pain. I can barely walk right now. I want to go back downstairs to get some water, but the idea of having to actually put pressure on my poor feet seems so horrible. I may just go thirsty over having to go down the stairs. :-/

Been so busy lately. I have just about everything packed up and done. And today we move to our new apartment. I can't wait to be in there, done with all the unpacking, and just living. We just need to get through the moving part of it all. I can't wait to see the cats' reactions to the new place. They'll have so much room to romp and such huge windows to look out of. They'll be in heaven. lol.

Happiest day of their lives

We're going to Asher's cousin's wedding today. I'm really excited for them, and glad to be able to see them get married. Sarah is such a sweet girl and she deserves all the happiness in the world.

And on another good note, my cousin Sara called last night about my cousin Delia's graduation from high school. She's willing to pay most of the trip out there. I'm so happy! I've been wanting so badly to be able to be part of it, and was so sad I was going to miss it.

It's a good day!

Goodbye, cruel world!

So tonight the world ends. Let the drunken debauchery begin!

I promise

I will definitely update much more often one we move to our new place in June. As it stands right now, it's kind of uncomfortable to write a blog entry. But that will change one we have the apartment set up.

And I will definitely post photos of the new place!

Bachelorette Party

So I went to my future cousin-in-law's bachelorette party last night. There were some ups and downs of the evening, but it was still a fun time.

The only thing I really didn't like was going club hopping. I don't like dancing in front of people I don't know. I get this feeling like people are watching me and it freaks me out. And the music is so damn loud! You can't even talk to anyone. It's ridiculous.

And now I'm fighting off a migraine while we need to take Ash for a tux fitting. Here's the hoping my medicine works and it goes away fast!

Yay for mommies!

Happy mother's day all! Hope it is a good one.

I love you and miss you, Grandma.

Packing, packing, packing

Took the cats to the vet yesterday to get their shots updated so we can show proof to the apartment building. Other than that, it's just been a lot of packing. Trying to get as much packed up as soon as possible. We move the first weekend of June. I'm so excited!!

This period is hell on me. Constant horrible cramps which then somehow make my legs hurt worse than they already do. And don't even get me going on the headaches. I need to talk to my doctor about upping the amount of estrogen I take on my period. Not sure if it will work, but I will try anything!

Affairs of the heart

We're back from Utah. It was a good trip. We had fun.

I haven't updated partly because I'm kind of emotionally messed up right now. I keep thinking of all these things I need to say, but can't yet. I can't put it into words. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things without obsessing like I usually do, but it's hard. Especially when I have time on my own and I'm stuck in my own head.

That's one of the biggest things I know I need to work on, this obsessing. I let myself think things to death and then I just feel bad until I can find a way to release it. Sometimes I can do it by writing, other times it ends up in cutting. I'm not to that point right now, but the obsessing isn't a good thing.

I need to just try and focus on packing. That's my silver lining right now: moving to our own place. I just need to finish packing up the small things. You never realize how much crap you have until you have to pack it up.

So emotional

I hate these nights where it's like I can't escape from everything bad going on. All I can do is think about it over and over and over, and then the night ends with me sobbing on the phone with Ash.

I think the emotional part is harder to deal with than the physical. I can take a Tylenol when my legs are hurting, but a Tylenol won't do shit for depression and anxiety. And I don't know what else to do. The medicine helps but then I have these nights, and I wonder what the point is. Why do I keep doing this?

We're going to Utah on Friday and I have to say, it has me stressed. It's hard dealing with my father sometimes. There's a lot of emotional things going on, things I need to talk about, but my dad isn't the type of person to do that with. My mom isn't going to be right downstairs for me to go to.

I think the problem is that I'm such an emotional person, and my father is the exact opposite. It seems like he's able to let everything just brush off his shoulder and not affect him. Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe it's just what it looks like from the outside, but our differences create tension.

I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.

Whatever I caught, it was bad. I got really worried there for a couple of days that I was coming down with pneumonia. I didn't actually get to go and see my doctor. He was out of the office all week, but they had one of the other doctors look at a list of my symptoms and called something in for me. Still in hell, but it's getting better finally.

My mom is so cute. She got a facebook yesterday and was constantly calling me trying to figure things out on it.

I guess my uncle's house got broken into. This is the first time I'm glad grandma is gone because she would have been completely vulnerable. What if the guy tried to hurt her? It's a scary thought.

I can't wait to get our apartment. I'm so antsy to get moved in!

The difference between then and now

Asher and I went over how we want to layout the apartment as we get the furniture in there. We like to be thorough and have a game plan. And it occurred to me that this move is much different than the move I made when I moved in with Wylie. Back when I moved in with Wylie, I was absolutely terrified. I didn't want to leave my house. I didn't want to make this move.

But with Asher, I actually want to take this step. I'm excited about it. I can't wait to be able to go to the apartment and say "this is home." I'm ready for this. I'm ready to take this step. I'm ready for the rest of our lives.

Sick again!

I'm sick again. Caught something from my friend. What the hell? This sucks. My nose is congested, my throat hurts, my head hurts, I can't sing for crap which sucks because I have something I need to practice for Shellie's wedding. I wanted to sing something at the reception as a gift to them both. Obviously I'll be fine by the wedding, but in the meantime, this sucks.

My coven is trying to do some work to give back to the community. We're looking to help veterens, donate to the rape crisis center/women's shelter, and to possibly do one of the walks for the cure (breast cancer). I think it's a good undertaking. We're trying to help because it's something we enjoy doing. I think it's great. I'm really excited to help.

In happier news

Let me just comment first that it's not one thing that is making the stress worse. I've been stressing over multiple things lately. One of which just changed today. Asher and I got approved for an apartment, one in our price range, and it looks like we'll be moving in around the first of June. We're were stressed out trying to find a place in the small area of where we could look, and our price. But this place is right next to the highway, not far from my mom's house, a good route to his work, and very spacious for the price. I really liked it, and we got the call today telling us our applications were approved. :)

I haven't updated recently because there is something going on that is very personal. I know I said I wasn't going to censor myself, but it's more that I just don't want to talk about it, at least not right now. I think some of the stress is getting to me physically too, but I don't think this is one of those times when talking about it will help ease the problem.

YAY!

Asher moved in yesterday! Now we have 2 months here at my parent's while we save some money before we move out. If we don't choose to move out sooner, but we need that 2 months for wedding funds badly.

We've been looking at all sorts of apartments, and on Wednesday we're going a tour of one not too far from where we are now. It's a good compromise for both of us. I'm excited to see it. I'm excited to get our own place finally. I feels like I've been waiting years for this.

Graduation photos

Graduation day!

Asher is graduating from ITT Tech today! I'm so proud of him. He really turned his life around in the last 3 years. From drugs and prison to a steady job, a fiance, ready to get an apartment, and graduating from school (which he paid for out of his own pocket the entire time!).

Congrats, love!!

Migraines

I've had the most horrible 2 day migraine. It finally went away last night, but the effects of being in that much pain lasts into the next day. Every little twinge of pain scares the hell out of me. I'm so afraid it's going to come back and there will be nothing I can do to get rid of it.

Confessions

I've been in a bad state emotionally. I don't know exactly what to call these frenzies I go into. They don't fit into what a panic attack is, but it almost feels like it should be called that. I'm completely irrational and messed up emotionally, and I don't know how to stop it.

And then it always feels like no one really cares what happens to me, and that sucks. I'm so alone. Even surrounded by people, I can be alone and stuck in my head.

But in the end, why should anyone care about this? It's not happening to them. So they hold no stock in it.

4 periods a year

One thing I have noticed about going onto a regime of birth control where I only get my period every 3 months: cramping is a bitch when that period finally shows up.

And now it seems my body is a little confused and despite the fact that it's not bleeding at all, it's acting like it is. I have severe cramping and headaches that only midol will get rid of (on the plus side, at least the midol is finally helping. It never helped me before all of this). It was so bad on Saturday that I accidentally woke up Asher with my gasping in pain.

Oh, and I had a nurse yesterday tell me to be careful because my pills might make me tired. She seems like a nice lady, but I mean, hello, I've been living with this for 3 years. I already knew that. In fact, 2 of them say it on the bottle.

I'm just tired and grumpy right now.

Ostara

The ritual was beautiful and very personal. I think everyone truly felt the connection we all had to each other. And there was SO MUCH FOOD! This coven knows how to feast, that's for sure! We all had a lot of fun.

Now we start clergy training, which will teach everything from ethics to protection to various types of magic and so on. We start with Ethics on Sunday. I'm excited to get into the training. I want to be as knowledgeable as possible, and that can't just come from books. It comes from experience and testing your limits and abilities.

Our willow tree. Isn't it beautiful?

Ellie and me

Shellie and me

Ostara

Happy Ostara everyone! I'm so excited for today. It's our first big ritual as a coven again, and we're dedicating ourselves to the group and the gods. And then after there will be lots of feasting and fun. I love this coven so much, and am so glad we have the people we do.

Hope you all have a great day!

St. Patrick's Day,

St. Patrick legendarily drove the 'snakes' out of Ireland - snakes being the Pagan people. Never forget that. I'm wearing a snake on my arm today in remembrance of my fellow Pagans

We won

I know I've mentioned it before, but we went to Social Security today and got the full information. I definitely won completely. If what the paperwork today said is right, we don't need to appeal anything at all. I am disabled, and have been since before I was 22, and will start getting benefits in April.

I can't even explain what it feels like.

You Lift Me Up (Part 2)

I'm in quite as angry of a place at this moment, probably because of something going on with a friend in a completely different circle, but it makes me nostalgic for my friend that I was talking about 2 posts down.

I don't want to make her sound like a horrible person, because she's not. The problem is that the friend I loved doesn't seem to be there anymore. She's too bogged down by the depression. I haven't seen the friend I love in months now. Every once in a while there is a glimpse of that person, but it's becoming further and further between those moments.

Shellie did a tarot reading for her a while ago and one of the things it says is that she is where she is now due to what she has done in the past, and the future will be paved out with the actions she chooses to take. She has pushed us all away now, and she probably feels like she can't trust any of us, but we still love her. We sit there trying to figure out what to do, how to help, and we don't know what to do.

When she is being the person I remember, she's funny, intelligent, insightful, very good at reading people, and very protective. She also wants to keep learning, keep reading. She's an amazing woman. But she doesn't see that, and won't listen to us. I feel like my friend is being slowly murdered and I can't do anything to help her.

I want my friend back.

Cleveland Clinic: Chronic Pain Rehabilitation Program

So I want to tell you guys about a program I entered last summer. It's at the Walker Building on the main campus of Cleveland Clinic in (duh) Cleveland. It's called the Chronic Pain Rehabilitation Program. It changed my life. It's changed the lives of many people.


This is an intensive program that goes for 3 to 4 weeks, Monday through Friday, 7am to 5pm.

The biggest question I get from people is what do they do there? They have you see doctors to adjust medication while trying to find the right combination for you, there's physical therapy, occupational therapy (learning the correct body mechanics to push a grocery cart, garden, do laundry, cook, clean dishes, etc), and a lot of forms of counseling (one on one, group therapy, assertiveness), and they help you get off the serious pain killers if you are addicted to them.

Seems like a lot huh? Seems almost impossible for someone who is in so much pain! But it's really not. I will admit that sometimes it did feel like too much, but each day seemed better. I think I got the most help from the various psychotherapies. But they taught me a lot. I went in very depressed, very ready to be done with life.

What they taught me is that it's okay if I can't do things like a normal person. It's okay if I am disabled. It's really about living life well. It's about enjoying the life you have, enjoying the people you share it with, and enjoy just being yourself.

I have my disability now, and as sad as it makes some of the nurses and doctors there when I tell them, they helped make it okay for me. So I'm disabled. That doesn't mean I don't have a fulfilled life. I do. And I wouldn't have known that I could if it weren't for them.

I highly recommend the program.

A good day

Spend the day looking for wood for runes, making love to the fiance, and watching Being Human and that's the recipe for a good day.

You Lift Me Up

Someone at aftercare said something that really bothered me yesterday. She said that it was our responsibility as humans to lift others up and not drag them down. I agree with half of that. We shouldn't do things to bring people down, but it is far from our responsibility to lift them up.

Do you try to lift them up when their your friends? Of course you do! I do. But is it my responsibility to do that? Hell no! It's their responsibility to do it for themselves. If you constantly pick them up over and over and over again, then when will they ever do it for themselves?

That's what makes me so mad about this friend that I was talking about yesterday. She's not willing to lift herself up because we've been doing it for her for too long. So she's gotten lazy and selfish. It's easier to just use her friends than to work on herself, and that's what she does. I'm tired of being used. I was willing to help when I thought she was working on herself, but I see now signs of that, and she refuses to talk to me. So how else am I supposed to know?

She's the kind of person who completely shuts down when she is upset and refuses to talk. She doesn't like to even talk things out so there aren't any feelings of resentment left over, which I think is a really stupid way to live. How are you ever going to get things fixed if you don't talk about what happened? That's how Shellie and I managed to get so close again. We've talked about the fight we got into over and over and over again.

Another thing that bothered me is that she was constantly lying to me. The whole fight that happened with Shellie never would have gotten as bad on my end had I not been getting incorrect information. And at that point, you aren't just messing with two friends. You're messing up a family (since she's going to be my sister in law). I think that's disgusting.

So this is my way of getting it all out since she won't even speak to me about it. It's sad it's hard to come to this.

I don't even know

I'm in a really strange place right now emotionally. Kind of between being relieved and then just drained and tired of all of this crap. And it's not even just the disability I'm talking about. It's a nice mixture of shit that you hope doesn't come to head at the same time, but it always does.

On the plus side, I got to see Kim, Kris, AND Peggy today at Aftercare (I'm going to make a separate post to tell you what this means, but for now just know that it's a day every month that we who were in the pain clinic goes back to the clinic to see people, do med checks, and get what we call a "booster shot"). That alone made my day.

But then I got a little too sick to go out to dinner with them and I've been lying down since then.

The coven is great, and we have Ostara coming up next week. So exciting!

One of my friendships is basically at it's end though. It's something that finally came to head this week and I don't think there is any coming back from this. She views it as me stabbing her in the back while I see it as her using me for her own means and not giving a damn about me.

It's a wonderful life...

I won

I won my disability case.

It's only a partial win, up to a certain point when I was 22, but I still won. We have to talk to my lawyer, and then go to social security offices and find out how much money we'll get and when the payments start. Also we need to find out how they are paying the back pay and how much we'll end up getting.

But my student loans are now in nonpayment. The government officially says I'm disabled. I can look into getting a placard now.

There is still so much to do, but still... I won.

Comments

Looks like we figured it out! Hope it changes it.

Commenting problem

So I guess for some reason the commenting isn't working. I'm not sure why, or what I can do to fix it. :( I did a test comment last night and it came up fine, but my brother's comment didn't go through. Can anyone comment? Is anyone else's blog doing this?

Utah

I didn't mention yet but my dad is flying Asher and I out to Utah at the end of April for a visit. He'll get the chance to meet the family, see where I grew up, and go to grandma's grave with me. I just wish it could have been sooner. Knowing that grandma never got to meet him breaks my heart. She always wanted what was best for me. She wanted to see me healthy and happy, and I am happy with him. I would have told her how I met my soul mate just like she met hers in my grandpa.

I just hope wherever she is now, she can look down and see what an amazing man I've found and both her and grandpa can be happy for me.

At our wedding we'll be honoring those who are gone. We'll have a seat for them at the ceremony and we'll place a rose on the seat.

I miss you, grandma.

Tylenol is not doing it's job!

My body hurts so much right now. I mentioned that I'm part of a gym now, and a really good one. They did an assessment and then worked to teach me some of the machines they think I should try doing. The guy did a great job of taking into account my limitations. He has me doing weight training, which is actually a good thing because I have done it before. But since it's been so long it has me in so much pain. My whole body hurts right now.

I can't even call it the "good hurt" like you tend to say after a good workout and you can tell it's helping. This is just ouch.

More sex talk

I have decided this is another thing about me that I really need to work on. It's not going to away on it's own. If I don't do anything then nothing is going to change. So I'm making an effort to try and forget about the pain and just have a little fun. It's not easy to do, but this has been a very fun weekend, so I guess I'm succeeding. I just need to keep it up after this.

Snow, snow go away

Snow here has the worst timing. I was planning to go to the gym today to work out but we have a huge snow storm since the middle of the night. And the people who plow our roads here in the development suck. I know if I try to go out right now, mom will freak out because she doesn't want me to crash. It also sucks because I need to get more brush cleaner since I've been working on one of my paintings every day.

I'm hoping that by late afternoon it's stopped but I might not be so lucky.

This emotional pain

I am so messed up emotionally right now. I fell into one of my crying fits last night and now I'm just drained and exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can take this. And now it's up in the air whether we're even going to have group this week. We won't if we can't take it to another house, and that depresses me more. This is something I need emotionally. And to think it might be taken from me, even for a week, just hurts.

Let's talk about sex

I think this is one of my most difficult things to deal with for many different reasons. I have a nice little laundry list of what makes sex difficult for me, and it all comes to head at the same time, which is when Ash wants to be intimate.

1. I am a sexual abuse survivor.

The sexual abuse started back in Utah when I was only 6 or 7 years old. I continued for 4 years with that guy, and child services basically said it was all my doing because he was a year younger. You'd be surprised what kids can do. It did start out as a mutual fascination with this sex thing, but it turned into something much worse as the years went on. He's the reason I can't kiss with tongue. He forced me to. I kept begging him not to make me do it, but he wouldn't budge on the issue. He's also why if you grab my hand and bring toward a penis, I freak out. Asher did that once the first time we had sex, and I pulled back so quickly and almost shut down completely. I still need to work through it all. I try to ignore it, pretend it didn't happen, pretend it doesn't really affect me, but it does.

Then I've had boyfriends that have sexually abused me, along with many, many guys sexually assaulting me. One of the big time wrestlers at my high school grabbed my breast at the football game while all of his buddies stood there grinning like idiots. I wish I would have punched him. Instead I was too shocked to do anything.

2. It hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME I have sex. It's like having to go through the hymen tearing every single time. And it hurts really bad. Asher has to go very slow for me.

3. I have less sensation now thanks to the Lyrica. Add onto that that it hurts each time, it's hard for me to see the payoff for all of that pain when I feel so much less. And you'd think the pain would be less, but nope.

4. The last 2 boyfriends would constantly push and push and push for sex until I finally gave in despite the fact that I didn't want to, or I was too sick.

Despite all of that, I still feel guilty when I don't feel like being intimate like that with Asher. And I know it disappoints him. Once the pain is gone, it's wonderful. But I have such a hard time getting past the pain in my mind to want to have sex.

I just wish I could be an ordinary person.

Just in case I wasn't in enough pain

Let's add a knife wound to that! I've been working on staffs for ritual purposes. I hope to make a staff for each person, along with our custom cloaks and eventually a gift of handmade wood runes. But I was trying to carve off some excess wood last night when the knife slipped and got my thumb. And it hurts like hell right now! I'm keeping it clean and putting neosporin on it. It's not bad enough to need stitches. But damn...

Yesterday was just painful!

The Hearing

I was right about being exhausted after the hearing. They had me go through my work history, all of my illnesses and what they do, how it all compounds on each other, and then they had a vocational expert there to testify as to whether a person with my problems could work. I thought for a moment she was saying yes, then realized he hadn't given all of the hypothetical, such as if I ended up having to take a day off a lot and that I couldn't go up and down many stairs or even ramps, and then she said no, there were no jobs for me.

So now we're just waiting for the results. The lawyer said it could take up to 6 to 8 weeks. I'm hoping the judge makes the ruling before that though. I'm back at this sit and wait game and I hate it. My lawyer said he was pleased with the way the hearing went and he would be very surprised if they didn't accept me now. I hope this wait isn't too long.

The time is now, Disability!

Today is the day that could very well change everything. And that's really scary. I mean, it might be a good thing. I'm hoping it's a good thing. We got all of the paperwork in that we needed, and my lawyer actually sounded very confident in the case we have. He's only really worried about my age. They don't like to give disability out to people so young. You know what though, I can't help that I got this sick so young. If it were up to me, I've be living my life like any ordinary 24 year old. And if they ask me about that, that's exactly what I'm going to tell them.

Both mom and Asher will be there. They can't go in during the actual hearing, but they can be outside in the waiting room and I think knowing they are there to support me will be very helpful.

I have a feeling I am going to be exhausted after the hearing. Too much emotional stress.

I'll update you guys after I get home. It might be good news, it might be bad news, or it might be no news at all. We'll see.

The end of the marathon

Or so I hope.

We're coming up to the last leg of the journey to disability. We have all of the paperwork in from the doctors that we needed, and tomorrow is the hearing. It has me so stressed out I went completely hysterical on poor mom. It's hard to not want to give up sometimes. It'd be easier to just fall asleep and never wake up.

The only good I have right now is the coven. Which reminds me, we have our message board up. Sanctum Vita invites people of all faiths and/or magical paths to come and join in discussions, recipe swapping, and debates. I think it will be a lot of fun. Hope to see some of you on there.

My Valentine

I know my fiance loves me more than anything, but I have to admit that not being able to see him today and spend valentine's day with him is kind of hard. He hasn't even called to say happy valentines. I know we should show how much we love each other every day, and we do. I just wanted to hear his voice. :(

I hope everyone has a wonderful and pain free Valentine's day! I, myself, am going to to doctor's today thanks to this horrible cold I caught. How much fun is that?

Cold or flu?

I think I caught the cold one of my doctors had on Thursday. I'm coughing, I can't sing for crap because my throat is all weird, and I'm feeling congestion starting. I assume it's going to get worse. I'll need to go to urgent care because my doctor's office isn't open. This sucks!

More Disability Stuff

I went yesterday for a whole physical therapy evaluation. 2 hours of him moving my body, making my stand on one leg, making me carry large amounts, and so on. God I was so tired and in so much pain by the time I got back. He said he would work really hard to get it into the computer for my appointment in the pain clinic today where the doctor will actually fill out the disability paperwork.

After many, many delays I finally got the multiple disability paperwork back from my psychiatrist. My lawyer said that this was really good for us. She's also really not worried about the case and thinks I shouldn't be either. She says there's no doubt in her mind that I'll get it after the hearing. God I hope she is right.

It's been 2 years fighting this. I'm tired. I don't know what I'll do if they say no again. I guess we'll appeal, but still...