As you all can see, I had a complete break down last night. I'm kind of avoiding phone calls, partly because I'm tired and partly because I just can't talk about it right now. The wound is too fresh. There is so much that led to it and my mind gets going and there's not much I can do.
I did talk to Ash about it, and am starting to feel better. I have in my mind that I must be this horrible person because I keep losing friends, and I feel responsible for what happened with Ash and his mom. And I always say, if something keeps happening, eventually you have to look to yourself for what you need to fix. And so I looked at myself last night and decided that I was worthless and horrible.
And now today I'm kind of outside myself. I guess it's kind of a dissociative response. It's like I'm here, but I'm not. I don't know how to describe it.
Just know that right now I am safe, which really is the most important thing at the moment.
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