An opinion is like an asshole

And while I appreciate that everyone is welcome to theirs, it doesn't mean I have to listen to it. I know that I open myself up to criticism by being as open as I am, but at least I am not willing to hide behind anonymity to hurt others.

It's amazing what you can forget

Back in junior year of high school, I had my first big episode that sent me to the hospital that we would later realize was part of the Fibromyalgia. What I really remember about the day was that by the time mom called me to see how I was doing (as I had stayed home that day sick from school), I was crying because the pain in my stomach and legs were so bad. Mom rushed me to the hospital because she could tell by looking at me that I was going into shock.

Well, I was opening up my my writing I am doing for this pregnancy and I stumbled upon a writing I did the day after this originally happened and I thought I would share it.

I really don't remember half of this.

"April 23, 2003

Title: I got to see a hospital last night...

I started getting a stomach ache yesterday that was really bad, so Instayed home from school. By about noon, I had started crying because the pain in my stomach was so bad and had traveled to my legs. My mom found me crying in about an hour or so, since I hadn't stopped and rushed me to the hospital.

I had been having heat spells, the pain in the legs, stomach, and chest, my arms were weak, I couldn't walk, I couldn't keep anything in my body. I was also having trouble seeing and my hearing began to start to leave me at the hospital. My mom said that she saw my face get really flushed as I walked through the hospital during tests, and a whelt(sp?) appeared on my head for no reason and went away a few moments later.

She had to get me a wheelchair to get to the room in the hospital. The thing that freaked out my mom the most was the fact that I was going into shock because of the pain. I wouldn't stop shaking and I became very quiet. My mind seemed to go off into another place, almost as if I felt I was dying.

They finally stuck and IV in me, gave me a shot, and got things ready for me to leave. It was a virus, no name since they don't tend to classify viruses much because there are so many types and not much to do with them. But I have to take medicine for the pain, rest a lot, and miss school.

I was so scared, even though it turned out to be not that life threatening. The worse part was the shock, and I didn't even notice it until my mom pointed it out. That and I got really dehydrated, because I only ate breakfast around 6 and then had a glass of water, and that was it. They wouldn't let me eat or drink anything at the hospital because they were afraid that I would throw up if I had to go into surgery. But the IV helped get my body back halfway normal.

I'm feeling better today. My stomach still hurts, and my head is pounding. I still get a few of the heat flashes and my eyesight is horrible, but the Ibuprofen is helping with the pain in the legs, and I'm able to rest and do things, and eat."

I want a redo

I think I've slept all of 45 minutes in the last 24 hours... Today marks the first day of absolutely no Lyrica and it's feeling really discouraging. Massive itching, horrible nausea (I was worried I was going to throw up in the bath earlier), insomnia worse than normal, and now the shuddering has finally set in. Part of me just wants this pregnancy to start just so I can be that much closer to getting my Lyrica back.

If it doesn't ease up at all, I'm going to have to seriously consider going back on a low dose in the second trimester, and completely giving up breast feeding.

It times like these that I really truly feel like a drug addict... :/

The true test of an introvert

I've noticed something else weird in going off the medication, mostly because I never noticed it before now. Now one of the big issues aside from pain with Fibromyalgia is the issue of energy. People with Fibro have much worse fatigue issues than normal people, and it's harder to explain to people who don't have it because they don't quite understand how bad the fatigue gets. I've had days where I have just sat under the stream of water in the shower sobbing because I don't even have the energy to lift my arms to wash my hair, but I can't fall asleep.

I already knew this was a problem going into it. What I didn't realize was just how much I needed that energy for normal socialization.

I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder (henceforth to be called SAD in this post) all my life, to the point that I would pass out in middle school from being too overwhelmed (I have to wonder if that wasn't some of the tachycardia as well...)

The last couple of weeks I've been more overwhelmed by the fact that I'm really not good at small talk and never know what to say to people. And a great part of that has to do with energy now. People come up to me to talk and I find I have a harder time finding the energy to sort through my thoughts to even come up with something to say.

We had a social game at the Timebank potluck on Friday where we had to go up and introduce ourselves and when one of the ladies came up to me and told me a little bit about herself and what she can offer, I found myself stopping and thinking, "what is special enough about me to respond with?" and I ended up not saying much at all about myself. I have to wonder if I came off as rude at all.

That's one thing that pisses me off more than anything about SAD. Sometimes we come off as cold, arrogant, or rude when really we are just scared to death. I remember in middle school I went to a birthday party of my friend's at a roller rink. All of her friends were asking me questions and wanting to get to know me but I was petrified and all I could do was try and release myself from the situation by running away. I then spent the rest of the time being teased and tormented by these girls for being so "rude" to them.

:/

I told Abby at the potluck that I was having a hard time because I had suddenly hit a wall with my energy. I didn't go as far as explaining why it was so frustrating to hit that wall; not because it just sucks to have no energy, but because it was so much harder to be social.

What's funny is that despite my SAD and being an introvert, I'm actually quite upbeat and social when I'm around people that know me well and know my quirky ways. I like being with people, I like being silly, and I like joking a lot. I think I got a lot of that from daddy, because he also has a lot of fun teasing and being funny with people despite him being a total introvert. And well, he did marry my mom, one of the most extroverted people I know (besides my brother), so we both must have some fun when around those people (and we do).

The whole thing really is a great big pain in the ass.

A raging heart

I really need to get back in with a cardiologist. Going off the steroid that is meant to keep sodium stored in me longer has me seeing not only a lot more dizziness, but also a lot of palpitations and while I know it's probably fine, it freaks the crap out of me. It's scary to be laying there in bed and feel your heart pounding in your ears as if you had just finished running a long distance.

I've heard you aren't supposed to be able to feel your heart beat like that until your heart rate is around 130bpm.... that's usually my resting heart rate.

I don't think I'd be quite so jumpy if it weren't for the ICU when the nurses were so freaked out by my heart rate going crazy every time I would shift around in the bed. I wasn't even allowed to brush my teeth because it sent my heart rate into the 160s.