More sex talk

I have decided this is another thing about me that I really need to work on. It's not going to away on it's own. If I don't do anything then nothing is going to change. So I'm making an effort to try and forget about the pain and just have a little fun. It's not easy to do, but this has been a very fun weekend, so I guess I'm succeeding. I just need to keep it up after this.

Snow, snow go away

Snow here has the worst timing. I was planning to go to the gym today to work out but we have a huge snow storm since the middle of the night. And the people who plow our roads here in the development suck. I know if I try to go out right now, mom will freak out because she doesn't want me to crash. It also sucks because I need to get more brush cleaner since I've been working on one of my paintings every day.

I'm hoping that by late afternoon it's stopped but I might not be so lucky.

This emotional pain

I am so messed up emotionally right now. I fell into one of my crying fits last night and now I'm just drained and exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can take this. And now it's up in the air whether we're even going to have group this week. We won't if we can't take it to another house, and that depresses me more. This is something I need emotionally. And to think it might be taken from me, even for a week, just hurts.

Let's talk about sex

I think this is one of my most difficult things to deal with for many different reasons. I have a nice little laundry list of what makes sex difficult for me, and it all comes to head at the same time, which is when Ash wants to be intimate.

1. I am a sexual abuse survivor.

The sexual abuse started back in Utah when I was only 6 or 7 years old. I continued for 4 years with that guy, and child services basically said it was all my doing because he was a year younger. You'd be surprised what kids can do. It did start out as a mutual fascination with this sex thing, but it turned into something much worse as the years went on. He's the reason I can't kiss with tongue. He forced me to. I kept begging him not to make me do it, but he wouldn't budge on the issue. He's also why if you grab my hand and bring toward a penis, I freak out. Asher did that once the first time we had sex, and I pulled back so quickly and almost shut down completely. I still need to work through it all. I try to ignore it, pretend it didn't happen, pretend it doesn't really affect me, but it does.

Then I've had boyfriends that have sexually abused me, along with many, many guys sexually assaulting me. One of the big time wrestlers at my high school grabbed my breast at the football game while all of his buddies stood there grinning like idiots. I wish I would have punched him. Instead I was too shocked to do anything.

2. It hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME I have sex. It's like having to go through the hymen tearing every single time. And it hurts really bad. Asher has to go very slow for me.

3. I have less sensation now thanks to the Lyrica. Add onto that that it hurts each time, it's hard for me to see the payoff for all of that pain when I feel so much less. And you'd think the pain would be less, but nope.

4. The last 2 boyfriends would constantly push and push and push for sex until I finally gave in despite the fact that I didn't want to, or I was too sick.

Despite all of that, I still feel guilty when I don't feel like being intimate like that with Asher. And I know it disappoints him. Once the pain is gone, it's wonderful. But I have such a hard time getting past the pain in my mind to want to have sex.

I just wish I could be an ordinary person.

Just in case I wasn't in enough pain

Let's add a knife wound to that! I've been working on staffs for ritual purposes. I hope to make a staff for each person, along with our custom cloaks and eventually a gift of handmade wood runes. But I was trying to carve off some excess wood last night when the knife slipped and got my thumb. And it hurts like hell right now! I'm keeping it clean and putting neosporin on it. It's not bad enough to need stitches. But damn...

Yesterday was just painful!

The Hearing

I was right about being exhausted after the hearing. They had me go through my work history, all of my illnesses and what they do, how it all compounds on each other, and then they had a vocational expert there to testify as to whether a person with my problems could work. I thought for a moment she was saying yes, then realized he hadn't given all of the hypothetical, such as if I ended up having to take a day off a lot and that I couldn't go up and down many stairs or even ramps, and then she said no, there were no jobs for me.

So now we're just waiting for the results. The lawyer said it could take up to 6 to 8 weeks. I'm hoping the judge makes the ruling before that though. I'm back at this sit and wait game and I hate it. My lawyer said he was pleased with the way the hearing went and he would be very surprised if they didn't accept me now. I hope this wait isn't too long.

The time is now, Disability!

Today is the day that could very well change everything. And that's really scary. I mean, it might be a good thing. I'm hoping it's a good thing. We got all of the paperwork in that we needed, and my lawyer actually sounded very confident in the case we have. He's only really worried about my age. They don't like to give disability out to people so young. You know what though, I can't help that I got this sick so young. If it were up to me, I've be living my life like any ordinary 24 year old. And if they ask me about that, that's exactly what I'm going to tell them.

Both mom and Asher will be there. They can't go in during the actual hearing, but they can be outside in the waiting room and I think knowing they are there to support me will be very helpful.

I have a feeling I am going to be exhausted after the hearing. Too much emotional stress.

I'll update you guys after I get home. It might be good news, it might be bad news, or it might be no news at all. We'll see.

The end of the marathon

Or so I hope.

We're coming up to the last leg of the journey to disability. We have all of the paperwork in from the doctors that we needed, and tomorrow is the hearing. It has me so stressed out I went completely hysterical on poor mom. It's hard to not want to give up sometimes. It'd be easier to just fall asleep and never wake up.

The only good I have right now is the coven. Which reminds me, we have our message board up. Sanctum Vita invites people of all faiths and/or magical paths to come and join in discussions, recipe swapping, and debates. I think it will be a lot of fun. Hope to see some of you on there.

My Valentine

I know my fiance loves me more than anything, but I have to admit that not being able to see him today and spend valentine's day with him is kind of hard. He hasn't even called to say happy valentines. I know we should show how much we love each other every day, and we do. I just wanted to hear his voice. :(

I hope everyone has a wonderful and pain free Valentine's day! I, myself, am going to to doctor's today thanks to this horrible cold I caught. How much fun is that?

Cold or flu?

I think I caught the cold one of my doctors had on Thursday. I'm coughing, I can't sing for crap because my throat is all weird, and I'm feeling congestion starting. I assume it's going to get worse. I'll need to go to urgent care because my doctor's office isn't open. This sucks!

More Disability Stuff

I went yesterday for a whole physical therapy evaluation. 2 hours of him moving my body, making my stand on one leg, making me carry large amounts, and so on. God I was so tired and in so much pain by the time I got back. He said he would work really hard to get it into the computer for my appointment in the pain clinic today where the doctor will actually fill out the disability paperwork.

After many, many delays I finally got the multiple disability paperwork back from my psychiatrist. My lawyer said that this was really good for us. She's also really not worried about the case and thinks I shouldn't be either. She says there's no doubt in her mind that I'll get it after the hearing. God I hope she is right.

It's been 2 years fighting this. I'm tired. I don't know what I'll do if they say no again. I guess we'll appeal, but still...

More daddy issues

I wish I could flip a switch and just not care about anything dealing with my father. It would make my life so much easier.

So, my father's wife is going down to Texas (from Utah) quite a bit to see her daughter. Not that that's anything bad. Now I find out that my father is going down too. And there's not anything bad about that either.

What bothers me is that they go to all of these concerts, they spend money on flights to Texas all the time, but do I ever see him outside of Utah? No. He doesn't visit us. We're not that important to him.

Someone said to me yesterday "you're important to him... to a point." Just the fact that that qualifier had to be in there is upsetting, but I think it's true.

Did you know that I truly believe my father doesn't love me? I'm not the daughter he wanted. I'm a failure to him, and how could he love someone who is so far from what he wanted?

It's not even that he should visit, or that we necessarily want him too. It's just the fact that I know he wouldn't. It's the principle of it.

What's going to happen when I finally have kids? He's never going to see his grandchildren. He'll see his grandchildren from his third marriage, but not his biological grandchildren. (yes, I know, biology means nothing when it comes to love). I just feel like their birth will mean very little to him, and that upsets me.

I have serious daddy issues.

How to survive this stress

I haven't been posting as much recently because of two reasons.

1. I've been busy with doing coven things, and that makes me extremely happy. I am so happy to have my Pagan family back and I just feel like this group was what I was waiting for spiritually.

2. On the flip side, I'm so stressed out and so irritable and depressed. We're in the last 2 weeks of the journey when it comes to the disability case. I mean, I know we can push for another hearing if they say no this time, but this feels like the last leg of the journey and we're scurrying around trying to get the last stuff finished. And I don't know what I'm going to do if they say no. I just want to curl up and sleep all day.

Really, the coven is one of the only things that is keeping me going right now. It's keeping me from sleeping life away because it gives me something to do, something to fill time and fulfill me.

It makes me thankful to have these wonderful people in my life.

It's so true for any disease

Tales of a Dumbass

Now don't get me wrong. I love my fiance, and I think he's a very, very intelligent man. But sometimes.... sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of him, and today was one of those days.

I got a call around 11am from Asher. I asked how he was doing and he told me not well at all. Why? He had come home from work (he works the night shift) and decided to have a beer or two. That's fine. He has time to sleep it off. The dumbass move was deciding to play with his butterfly knife at the same time. It slipped, he caught it wrong and it went right into his leg. Around 2.5 inches in.

So I drive out to his house (about a 30 minute drive) to take him to the emergency room because he couldn't drive. The poor man could barely move it hurt him so bad.

He did this to himself, but I love him, and of course I had a lot more sympathy once I saw him. He was starting to go into shock and every bump in the road was horrible for him.

He was almost near screaming when the doctor was putting the anesthetic in. I couldn't even watch it was upsetting me so much.

He got 4 stitches total, which isn't too bad. It was more about how far it went in. He's at home sleeping some of it off now. But it was really scary there in the middle. He wasn't really responding to me, and he couldn't even focus his eyes on me. I was so afraid that he was going to close his eyes (while going into shock) and not wake up. I was one step away from screaming to the nurses for help. Luckily when they put the anesthetic in, it helped relieve a lot of pain and he started to return to his normal self.

His brother Aaron made it clear that Ash was a dumbass for it even happening. And he is.

I'm in love with a dumbass.

Stop canceling my appointments!

I got a call from Cleveland Clinic to tell me that my physical therapy appointment is going to be canceled and they can't get me a new appointment until March. Um, hello! The whole point of this appointment was so they could do the evaluation before my doctor goes through all of the disability paperwork. I can't wait until March!

I get that we've been having horrible storms, but it's not storming right now. I was willing to do the trip.

Why do these things keep happening to me?

Freezing rain go away

This storm might make it so I can't go to Qi Gong tomorrow. I mean, the gym is only about five minutes from here. Right down the street almost. But most accidents happen close to home. It didn't seem that bad out today, but to be fair I didn't actually go out onto the street, so I could be very wrong.

Maybe I'll be bad and sleep through Qi Gong this week, and then go on Thursday or Friday to use the bike. Maybe do a couple of laps in the pool. Or do ballet; they do have ballet barres there for use.

I'm not sure yet.

Dreams

Even in my dreams I can't escape my pain. I was at school and I was in so much pain that I could barely walk. If I laid down in just the right way, it would relieve it for a little while, but it was rare to find that spot. It was mostly my back.

Can't I have just one place where I don't have to worry about this damn illness?