Let's talk about sex

I think this is one of my most difficult things to deal with for many different reasons. I have a nice little laundry list of what makes sex difficult for me, and it all comes to head at the same time, which is when Ash wants to be intimate.

1. I am a sexual abuse survivor.

The sexual abuse started back in Utah when I was only 6 or 7 years old. I continued for 4 years with that guy, and child services basically said it was all my doing because he was a year younger. You'd be surprised what kids can do. It did start out as a mutual fascination with this sex thing, but it turned into something much worse as the years went on. He's the reason I can't kiss with tongue. He forced me to. I kept begging him not to make me do it, but he wouldn't budge on the issue. He's also why if you grab my hand and bring toward a penis, I freak out. Asher did that once the first time we had sex, and I pulled back so quickly and almost shut down completely. I still need to work through it all. I try to ignore it, pretend it didn't happen, pretend it doesn't really affect me, but it does.

Then I've had boyfriends that have sexually abused me, along with many, many guys sexually assaulting me. One of the big time wrestlers at my high school grabbed my breast at the football game while all of his buddies stood there grinning like idiots. I wish I would have punched him. Instead I was too shocked to do anything.

2. It hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME I have sex. It's like having to go through the hymen tearing every single time. And it hurts really bad. Asher has to go very slow for me.

3. I have less sensation now thanks to the Lyrica. Add onto that that it hurts each time, it's hard for me to see the payoff for all of that pain when I feel so much less. And you'd think the pain would be less, but nope.

4. The last 2 boyfriends would constantly push and push and push for sex until I finally gave in despite the fact that I didn't want to, or I was too sick.

Despite all of that, I still feel guilty when I don't feel like being intimate like that with Asher. And I know it disappoints him. Once the pain is gone, it's wonderful. But I have such a hard time getting past the pain in my mind to want to have sex.

I just wish I could be an ordinary person.