I wish I could flip a switch and just not care about anything dealing with my father. It would make my life so much easier.
So, my father's wife is going down to Texas (from Utah) quite a bit to see her daughter. Not that that's anything bad. Now I find out that my father is going down too. And there's not anything bad about that either.
What bothers me is that they go to all of these concerts, they spend money on flights to Texas all the time, but do I ever see him outside of Utah? No. He doesn't visit us. We're not that important to him.
Someone said to me yesterday "you're important to him... to a point." Just the fact that that qualifier had to be in there is upsetting, but I think it's true.
Did you know that I truly believe my father doesn't love me? I'm not the daughter he wanted. I'm a failure to him, and how could he love someone who is so far from what he wanted?
It's not even that he should visit, or that we necessarily want him too. It's just the fact that I know he wouldn't. It's the principle of it.
What's going to happen when I finally have kids? He's never going to see his grandchildren. He'll see his grandchildren from his third marriage, but not his biological grandchildren. (yes, I know, biology means nothing when it comes to love). I just feel like their birth will mean very little to him, and that upsets me.
I have serious daddy issues.
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