I got the paperwork for my new rheumatologist today. As is Cleveland Clinic custom, I have plenty of papers to fill out before I actually see the doctor. And looking at the paperwork is making me anxious. Not because I can't fill it out, but because this is such a huge step... I haven't had a doctor for my actual fibro all by itself since I saw Pellegrino and it all went wrong.
To recap: Pellegrino told me I was not getting better because I wanted the money from social security. Obviously it couldn't be that his methods weren't working, but that I was purposely refusing to get better. And I'm quoting that last part of the sentence. He then stormed out on me in the middle of the appointment with no order to see me again. When we asked for my medical records, all he sent were his appointment notes also stating that I was refusing to get better.
I've seen plenty of pain doctors since then, but not a rheumatologist. And I'm so scared that I'm going to see this doctor and he's going to say the same thing. It's completely irrational, I know, but I can't shake it. I look at this paperwork and I just feel complete and utter terror.
So how do I kill these ghosts?
When I was a teenager, a rheumatologist (not the first I'd ever been to) told me that my description of joint pain just didn't make sense. After many tests over several weeks, he sent me to the waiting room to speak with my mother alone about how he believed that my pain was emotional. He had ruled out every condition that he knew of and finally decided that the pain was all in my head. My mother and I were furious. I refused to see a doctor about my chronic joint pain for many years. Fibromyalgia was discovered and still I refused to see a doctor because I believed that it was too new of a discovery for doctors to really know what to do with it and I didn't want to be a guinea pig. Besides, I didn't believe I had fibromyalgia. Finally after several years I decided to give a rheumatologist a try again. I hated how many things I had to write on the paperwork about my health history. The doctor was very kind and a great listener. His diagnosis was that I have something in the family of fibromyalgia because it is migratory, but it's not fibromyalgia. He doesn't know what it is, but he knows it is real, not in my head. Even though he could do nothing to relieve my pain, just hearing a medical professional tell me that modern medicine is a little bit closer to understanding the cause of my pain and that my story is believable from a medical standpoint-- that gave me hope. I wish you luck with your appointment!
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