Someone said I should write a letter to my father detailing my side, how I was hurt, and saying sorry for not being what he wanted and then forgiving him. I have written letters like that. I've never sent them. But I do write them. It gets a lot of anger out when it's building up.
It's hard to forgive someone when they have never asked for forgiveness. Maybe one day I can do it. My Uncle Kurt was hoping that my grandma's death would be the beginning of fixing our relationship, but he also admitted that it has to be a 2 way street for it to work, and I don't think it will be.
I would love a real, loving relationship with my father. But he doesn't love the way I do. I love the way my mom does, and my father thinks that's disgusting and way too dependent on the other person. I don't agree.
Honestly, I don't think my father really cares if our relationship is practically nonexistent. In fact, he probably prefers it this way. It's sad but... what can I do?
I think for you to be able to forgive someone in the manner that was suggested (or without forgiveness being asked), you need to be able to understand why your father acted the way he did. At that point you then have to come to a point where you see that what happened was not entirely his fault. I'm not saying this is what you need to do. I am just saying this is typically how that works. I can see what played a huge part in making my father the way I knew him. So try reflecting on things from time to time. If there is a viable reasoning behind your father's actions, eventually you will see it.
ReplyDeleteHow was it not his fault?
ReplyDeleteI didn't say it wasn't. . What I mean is that IF there is something behind his actions then you will see it with time. I did not say there was.
ReplyDeleteI think thats why you just have to write everything you are feeling and let him know that it doesnt matter if he agree's with you or not It was something you had to do.. If he wants a relationship its in his court not yours... You did your part by not only forgiving him of what he did or just in general and let going now its his part.. Make that clear
ReplyDeleteThing from a book :" Consequently, because of the emotional pain involved forgiveness is not initially looked upon as a viable option to reduce personal stress. Strange as it may seem, hoilding a grduge or feelings of resentment appears to be a form of control over the person or circimestance involved. But these feelings are an illusion of control. The toxcity of these thoughts sours one's outlook on life and eventually seeps into another aspect of one's personality, causing defensivess and even more vulnerabilty to sressors, perpetuation the cycle of self-vixtimaxion.
ReplyDeletewe must not only forgive others but learn to forgive ourselves for our thoughts and behaviors that are less then appropriate.
ReplyDeleteI think its only fair to give your father the knowledge of your true feelings.. Let thhe rage show through but also the sadness and then allow some sort of clear headedthoughts
Yeah, I think I should let him know it all. It's just hard because I still have a lot of fear from the past and every time we try to talk things out, it turns into a huge fight. I need to find a way to keep my emotions controlled during those talks.
ReplyDeleteI can help you with that Emi, if you want. Could even make it a 3-way that I could step in and slow things down if they get too heated. Call me up when you can and we can discuss details.
ReplyDelete