13 Years Ago...

TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of a suicide attempt.

It's the Friday now of Labor Day weekend. Normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but then it occurred to me exactly what this day is. Because on the Friday of Labor Day weekend in 2001, I had my second suicide attempt which led to my very first week long hospitalization in a psych ward.

So it's been 13 years since that day.

I can still remember almost everything from that day. I remember the fight I had gotten into with my best friend. I remember them taking my school photo and how I had been crying just minutes before. I remember being on the phone with the friend I had fought with as I said goodbye and downed the pills. I remember writing my goodbye post.

I also remember when my mom got the phone call from the father after Katie called him in a panic to tell him what I had done. I remember Daddy actually physically throwing me into the back seat of the truck (because I refused to get in). I remember lying on the examination table in the ER starting to writhe in pain as the toxins started to take their effect.

I remember how hopeless I felt, how much I cried as they took me up to the psych ward. I was in hell, and I had been forced to live.

And now I just feel disconnected from it all. I don't even recognize that Emelia. It's so far from the person I am now. But I can feel compassion and sadness for her.

Don't give up, Emelia. It will get better, and you will find the strength to keep going. I know it's hard now, but years from now, you'll be writing a book series, married and trying for children, and you'll be happy. You're loved now, and you'll find even more love later.

I promise.

The Healing Body Project

This last Sunday (August 10) I took part in the first photoshoot for the Kent, Ohio based The Healing Body Project. 

Here is my story, along with photos.

I have gone back and forth with how I have viewed my body and myself throughout my life. When I was in grade school, I didn’t care much about it. I was a Mormon girl. I wasn’t supposed to be showing it. It wasn’t something to take pride in.

In middle school everything changed. I remember the turning point. It was Halloween, 7th grade, Los Altos Middle School in Camarillo, CA. I wanted to go as a teenaged angel. I had bought a white skirt that went down to a little above my knees, slightly tight, wings, and a square neck tight white shirt. I loved it. I thought I looked awesome.

Then I got to school. I was bombarded by comment after comment, how stupid I looked, that I was too fat for that outfit, and that I wasn’t pretty enough to make it work. I had been so excited to enter the costume contest, and by the end of the day I had decided I didn’t even want to watch them award the winners, much less take part.

Only one person said anything nice that day. One of my good friends, Sebastian, came up to me as I sat alone at a desk while people went off to the contest, and said, “Emelia, I just wanted you to know that I think you look really pretty as an angel.”

Just him.

After that, I started wearing baggy clothes. I shopped in the boys’ section at stores. I was just one of the guys. And it seemed to make a lot of sense to me, given the sexual abuse I experienced out in Utah when I was growing up. If nobody could see what my body looked like anymore, then I wouldn’t be abused again, right?

It took until high school to start buying from the girls’ section again, and even then I made sure it covered me, and wore hoodies all the time.

Anyway by then I had a new problem. I had started cutting in the end of middle school. Mostly on my legs, but sometimes other places, all over my body. Now I spent time trying to make sure I wore the right clothes to hide the marks. During play rehearsal, my friend’s brother asked me what was on my legs when I was wearing shorts. I never wore shorts again after that, not unless they came down to my knees.

By the end of high school, as long as I had pants on and could cover my scars, I felt good about my weight. I hated my face up until we had the jaw surgery and the nasal surgery (jaw because of my severe overbite that would eventually cause arthritis, and the nasal so I could breathe again). But once those were done, I felt good. I felt pretty. Not beautiful, but pretty.

I kept those ideas through college, despite the fact that I was going through sexual abuse by boyfriends and that I was sexually assaulted on campus. I didn’t have as big of a problem with my body. I just didn’t want people touching it anymore.

Not long after getting together with my husband, I had been put on Abilify to help with my depression. I was still cutting, still thinking of suicide, and still very sick. This actually did help a lot. It gave me much more energy to be active and do things, but the side affect was that I started to gain weight. I went from 130lbs up to 180lbs within months. I hated it! I even went off the Abilify to stop the weight gain.

I still remember how it felt like the air had been sucked out of me when I was told that my now mother-in-law was going around telling people how I had ballooned up. My husband was furious, and I just felt ugly.

I tried so hard to lose all the weight for my wedding, but it never happened. Medication weight gain is some of the hardest to lose, and even to this day, I haven’t lost it.

I used to think my husband would leave me eventually for a thinner, prettier, and healthier woman. Why would he want this? I wasn’t attractive. He had to be disgusted by me.

Then last summer, I tried to kill myself again. 50 Tylenol PM, 3 days in the ICU, and 3 days in the psych ward. After that, everything went downhill. My relationship with the person I had considered my best friend went to hell, and the treatment I was getting in my own home was horrible (by the same friend, not by my husband).

I cut as deeply as I could without needing stitches.

After that, I told my husband we couldn’t have sex for a while because there was no way to hide it. I didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t want him looking at me. I was a broken, horrible, disgusting creature. He would surely leave me soon.

Now here we are, a year after that suicide attempt, and 8 months from the hell I had been living in. I have really, really worked hard at the trauma therapy. I never thought these maladaptive beliefs that I have held for so long could be broken down.

But today, I look at these photos and instead of seeing something I hate and despise, I see my joy, my laughter, my confidence, and my compassion. I see a woman that has gone through hell and back just to survive.

But I did survive. Here I am, breathing, speaking, laughing, and just being me. I’m more me than I ever have been my entire life. This is the real Emelia, the real Emi Cordill that people hear about. This is who I was always meant to be. I almost died multiple times getting here, but damn it, I’m here.

And I like myself.

Anniversary

5 years ago today, Asher asked me via text while I was out in Utah visiting family, "Will you be my girl?"

2 years ago today, we got married.

He has changed my world in so many ways. I know what it is like to have someone who understands my illness and has researched every part of it. I know what it's like to be in a relationship where he isn't pushy about sex when I'm too sick. I know what it's like to be with someone who won't let anyone treat me badly, not even family.

But most importantly, I know what people mean when they talk about soul mates. I always told my mom that I hoped I would be lucky enough to find someone like what my daddy is to my mom.

I found him. <3

A Special Throwback Thursday

The first photo Asher and I ever took together. Tomorrow marks not only our second wedding anniversary, but also 5 years since we became a couple. 

Happy father's day!

Happy father's day to my daddy, who began his role in my life as my step dad Mark. I know I don't always make it clear that there is a different between father and step dad, but to me Mark really lose the step dad title a while ago.

I was told when Daddy married mom that I could choose to call him whatever I wanted, so long as it wasn't rude. Both my brother and I chose to call him by his name, and he was fine with that. But no matter what we called him, he had decided that he would treat us as if we were his own.

He was always involved, whether it was playing games with us, teaching us, or even taking on some of the grosser roles of parenthood.

When I was much younger, that house used to scare me a lot. Daddy would sit up half the night telling me stories to get me to fall asleep. And if I woke up from a nightmare, he would come in and try to calm me down, and if that meant staying up all night telling me stories when he had to get up for work the next day, that was what he would do.

When they took me in to their home after the psychiatrist told them I would be dead in a year if they didn't get me out, mom was bedridden. So daddy did what needed to be done to save me.

He has done everything a dad should do. Take care of me, raise me, teach me to be compassionate and kind hearted, but also tough enough to handle the world. He never belittled me, or sneered at the things I love.

He just loves me, and he does what he thinks is best for me. When you hug him, you know it's a real hug. He is genuine.

The fact that we aren't blood related means nothing. He is my daddy, and I am his daughter. He was what I needed when I didn't have it.

Happy father's day, Daddy!

An opinion is like an asshole

And while I appreciate that everyone is welcome to theirs, it doesn't mean I have to listen to it. I know that I open myself up to criticism by being as open as I am, but at least I am not willing to hide behind anonymity to hurt others.

It's amazing what you can forget

Back in junior year of high school, I had my first big episode that sent me to the hospital that we would later realize was part of the Fibromyalgia. What I really remember about the day was that by the time mom called me to see how I was doing (as I had stayed home that day sick from school), I was crying because the pain in my stomach and legs were so bad. Mom rushed me to the hospital because she could tell by looking at me that I was going into shock.

Well, I was opening up my my writing I am doing for this pregnancy and I stumbled upon a writing I did the day after this originally happened and I thought I would share it.

I really don't remember half of this.

"April 23, 2003

Title: I got to see a hospital last night...

I started getting a stomach ache yesterday that was really bad, so Instayed home from school. By about noon, I had started crying because the pain in my stomach was so bad and had traveled to my legs. My mom found me crying in about an hour or so, since I hadn't stopped and rushed me to the hospital.

I had been having heat spells, the pain in the legs, stomach, and chest, my arms were weak, I couldn't walk, I couldn't keep anything in my body. I was also having trouble seeing and my hearing began to start to leave me at the hospital. My mom said that she saw my face get really flushed as I walked through the hospital during tests, and a whelt(sp?) appeared on my head for no reason and went away a few moments later.

She had to get me a wheelchair to get to the room in the hospital. The thing that freaked out my mom the most was the fact that I was going into shock because of the pain. I wouldn't stop shaking and I became very quiet. My mind seemed to go off into another place, almost as if I felt I was dying.

They finally stuck and IV in me, gave me a shot, and got things ready for me to leave. It was a virus, no name since they don't tend to classify viruses much because there are so many types and not much to do with them. But I have to take medicine for the pain, rest a lot, and miss school.

I was so scared, even though it turned out to be not that life threatening. The worse part was the shock, and I didn't even notice it until my mom pointed it out. That and I got really dehydrated, because I only ate breakfast around 6 and then had a glass of water, and that was it. They wouldn't let me eat or drink anything at the hospital because they were afraid that I would throw up if I had to go into surgery. But the IV helped get my body back halfway normal.

I'm feeling better today. My stomach still hurts, and my head is pounding. I still get a few of the heat flashes and my eyesight is horrible, but the Ibuprofen is helping with the pain in the legs, and I'm able to rest and do things, and eat."

I want a redo

I think I've slept all of 45 minutes in the last 24 hours... Today marks the first day of absolutely no Lyrica and it's feeling really discouraging. Massive itching, horrible nausea (I was worried I was going to throw up in the bath earlier), insomnia worse than normal, and now the shuddering has finally set in. Part of me just wants this pregnancy to start just so I can be that much closer to getting my Lyrica back.

If it doesn't ease up at all, I'm going to have to seriously consider going back on a low dose in the second trimester, and completely giving up breast feeding.

It times like these that I really truly feel like a drug addict... :/

The true test of an introvert

I've noticed something else weird in going off the medication, mostly because I never noticed it before now. Now one of the big issues aside from pain with Fibromyalgia is the issue of energy. People with Fibro have much worse fatigue issues than normal people, and it's harder to explain to people who don't have it because they don't quite understand how bad the fatigue gets. I've had days where I have just sat under the stream of water in the shower sobbing because I don't even have the energy to lift my arms to wash my hair, but I can't fall asleep.

I already knew this was a problem going into it. What I didn't realize was just how much I needed that energy for normal socialization.

I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder (henceforth to be called SAD in this post) all my life, to the point that I would pass out in middle school from being too overwhelmed (I have to wonder if that wasn't some of the tachycardia as well...)

The last couple of weeks I've been more overwhelmed by the fact that I'm really not good at small talk and never know what to say to people. And a great part of that has to do with energy now. People come up to me to talk and I find I have a harder time finding the energy to sort through my thoughts to even come up with something to say.

We had a social game at the Timebank potluck on Friday where we had to go up and introduce ourselves and when one of the ladies came up to me and told me a little bit about herself and what she can offer, I found myself stopping and thinking, "what is special enough about me to respond with?" and I ended up not saying much at all about myself. I have to wonder if I came off as rude at all.

That's one thing that pisses me off more than anything about SAD. Sometimes we come off as cold, arrogant, or rude when really we are just scared to death. I remember in middle school I went to a birthday party of my friend's at a roller rink. All of her friends were asking me questions and wanting to get to know me but I was petrified and all I could do was try and release myself from the situation by running away. I then spent the rest of the time being teased and tormented by these girls for being so "rude" to them.

:/

I told Abby at the potluck that I was having a hard time because I had suddenly hit a wall with my energy. I didn't go as far as explaining why it was so frustrating to hit that wall; not because it just sucks to have no energy, but because it was so much harder to be social.

What's funny is that despite my SAD and being an introvert, I'm actually quite upbeat and social when I'm around people that know me well and know my quirky ways. I like being with people, I like being silly, and I like joking a lot. I think I got a lot of that from daddy, because he also has a lot of fun teasing and being funny with people despite him being a total introvert. And well, he did marry my mom, one of the most extroverted people I know (besides my brother), so we both must have some fun when around those people (and we do).

The whole thing really is a great big pain in the ass.

A raging heart

I really need to get back in with a cardiologist. Going off the steroid that is meant to keep sodium stored in me longer has me seeing not only a lot more dizziness, but also a lot of palpitations and while I know it's probably fine, it freaks the crap out of me. It's scary to be laying there in bed and feel your heart pounding in your ears as if you had just finished running a long distance.

I've heard you aren't supposed to be able to feel your heart beat like that until your heart rate is around 130bpm.... that's usually my resting heart rate.

I don't think I'd be quite so jumpy if it weren't for the ICU when the nurses were so freaked out by my heart rate going crazy every time I would shift around in the bed. I wasn't even allowed to brush my teeth because it sent my heart rate into the 160s. 

The Halfway Mark

Now that I'm down to 300mg of Lyrica, which is half of what I have been on for years now, I think it's time to take stock and look at what is happening to my body. I am also completely off the Ativan and the Fludrocortisone (which is a steroid used to keep sodium in the body).

Ativan Effects
-Anxiety much more often and stronger
-Had my first big *panic* attack in a long while (I have plenty of anxiety attacks, but no attacks where I feel like I can't breathe. That has changed.)
-More anxiety attacks from nowhere popping up.

Fludrocortisone Effects:
-More dizziness
-Had a moment where I was having issues with starting to pass out.

And now the big one...

Lyrica Effects:
-Bad nausea in the morning (which is where I've stopped taking the Lyrica completely)
-Neck pain is really bad.
-Having more trouble sleeping (mostly with initially falling asleep).
-More muscle aches all over body. It's really bad when I first wake up.
-Screw body temperature regulation. My body doesn't seem to know what the hell to do with me. Hot, cold, hot, cold, burning, freezing.
-Joints are pretty bad too. Just standing to do makeup was hard on my left knee. :/
-My energy has gone down significantly and it's a chore to get myself moving to do anything, including feeding myself.
-Oh and this damn brain fog. I'll forget what I'm doing within a few minutes and then later realize I didn't even do half of what I need to because I got off track.

Add onto this period cramps, and yeah... I'm just peachy.

At the very least, I guess this did manage to prove I'm not crazy. For a while there I was beginning to get overwhelmed by the constant barrage of how I'll probably feel a lot better being off the meds, and it might not even be symptoms of Fibroymalgia but something much simpler.

So I'm at least a little vindicated.

Though, I will say, I know most of this was said with good intentions and meaning to be supportive and helpful. I just think sometimes people don't really know how to be supportive about it, and they think this is helpful when it usually isn't.

Plan B Formulating...

You should always expect there to be hiccups along the road. So it would seem we've hit the first of our little snags.

One being that my doctor (the rheumatologist) can't do math. Mom said she's met a lot of doctors who can't do math. It doesn't make them a bad doctor, just a bad script writer. So I had to call up to Cleveland Clinic to try and sort it out and get a new prescription because if I use his, then I'll run out of Lyrica completely within a week and a half, and I'm left SOL.

They said yesterday they would get it taken care of and called in to CVS, so we'll see in about a half hour if they succeeded.

The second is these damn migraines. I finally came to the conclusion what I should have done from the beginning: save the migraine medications for last. Go off of everything else, and then go off those, because then it's a much shorter amount of time I might have to deal with the constant headaches.

Oh fertility goddesses, please give me your blessing that in pregnancy I will have no migraines. After everything else I have gone through, that small kindness will be much appreciated. So mote it be.

Ice and Fire

I've run into a bit of a conundrum. In going off of the Ultram, the cramps in my legs and arms have been horrible. In going off a couple of the things needed to help my migraines, I've been having them almost nonstop. So I of course have to start thinking about what will help.

Ice. Ice is great for the migraines. Not so great for the rest of my body. It makes the cramps worse, and I can't regulate my body temperature very well anymore so my whole body gets cold. My feet and hands are unbearable when I have the ice on my body.

And then there is heat. Heat is great for my body. It eases out the cramps, lets my body relax. Sure I get flushed and then need to rest afterward, and to be careful to not pass out. But it's worth it.

Buuuuut... it's horrible for the migraines.

I now have to plan how I do all of this very carefully, and many times I'm left sitting there thinking about how unfair it is, because really, what other methods have been left to my disposal that I can do for myself?

I guess the question really comes down to which pain can I live with better? I just hate that I have to choose.

Pre-conception appointment

So, we saw a doctor yesterday at Maternal Fetal Medicine at the Cleveland Clinic. I went in with my list of medications and made sure we were up to date, and then we started in. So I'm going to make a list and talk about them.

Lyrica - 300mg - 2 times a day - Fibromyalgia

• Personal decision; she has worked with patients who stayed on their Lyrica throughout the pregnancy.
• Best if I am off it for the first trimester and then if I am really not handling well, then she can start weaning me back on in the second trimester.
• This made me feel so much better about all of this!!!

Fludrocortisone (steroid) - 0.1mg - 2 in the morning - Tachycardia (POTS)

• She said to stay away from all steroids.
• This can cause cleft palette if taken during pregnancy.

Amerge - 2.5 mg - 1 as needed - Migraines

• Go off of
• Can cause high blood pressure
• Can make the babies really small

Diclofenac - 50mg - 1 to 2 as needed - Migraines

• Go off of
• This can cause issues with the kidneys in the baby
• Can also cause the pre-mature closure of a blood vessel in the baby's heart that it needs.

Vistaril - 4mg - 1 by mouth up to 3 times a day as needed - Anxiety

• This is okay to be on since it's really just a hyped up version of Benedryl, but this can't be taken with unisom.

Tramadol - 50mg - once a day - Fibromyalgia

• Must go off of.
• Babies can be born with a tolerance and go through withdrawl.

Vitamin D - 2000iu - once a day - Vitamin D deficiency

• Fine as long as the levels don't get too high.

Ativan - 0.5mg - 4 times a day - Anxiety

• Go off of
• Can cause dependency in baby
• Can also cause cleft palette

Ambien - 10mg - 1 at bedtime - Insomnia

• Personal choice. Might be better to try and use a lower dose.

Trazodone - 50mg - 2 at bedtime - Insomnia

• Not well studied, but she said if it was absolutely necessary for me, then I should use it.

Ginko Biloba - 120mg - once a day - Depression

• Don't take.

Tylenol - 325mg - 2 as needed (no more than 8 a day) - Pain/Fibromyalgia

• Perfectly fine!

Cymbalta - 60mg - 2 in morning - Depression/Fibromyalgia

• Personal choice; I have to look at the cost vs. the benefit of it.
• Very low risk of hole in heart (0.5%)

Fibercon - 2 pills a day - Irritable Bowel (IBS)

• Perfectly fine.

CO-Q-10 - 100mg - 2 a day -Migraines

• Go off.

Magnesium - 250mg - 1 a day - Migraines

• Perfectly fine

B2 - 100mg - 2 times a day - Migraines

• My migraine doctor said to go off of it, but this doctor said it should be fine. It's water soluble and will mostly go out with the urine. 

Prenatal Vitamin - 1 a day - Nutrition/Fibromyalgia

• Very good!!!

B12 - 1000mg - once a day - B12 deficiency

• This is fine, but she wanted to get my levels checked so she ordered a blood test for that. As long as the levels are normal, then continue to use.

Bentyl - 10mg - 1 capsule up to 3 times a day as needed - IBS

• Probably shouldn't take.

Petadolex - 75mg - 2 a day - Migraines

• Go off of.

Docusate Sodium (Colace) - 100mg - 1 a day - IBS/Constipation

• Very good! In fact, it might be wise to take a little more or something slightly stronger in pregnancy to help keep the bowels moving.

Albuterol HFA (inhaler) - 2 puffs as needed - Asthma

• Perfectly fine.

She said that she doesn't feel it's fair to ask a woman to go off of ALL of her medications, especially when I have so many depression issues. In the end she made me feel a lot better about all of it. I feel like I can do this!

Asher asked about his ADHD. She said there's a 50% chance of a son ending up with it, 25% for a girl. We'll just have to wait and see. 

But she thought it was very smart that we wanted to come in before we got pregnant to go over all of this and to start getting off of it.

Next week, I see my rheumatologist and I will ask for the doses of Lyrica to start going off of it. I will post more then!

Pros and cons

So, as per usual I haven't talked a lot about what is going on right now, so before we go into tomorrow, I just wanted to say thatAsh and I are going to be trying to conceive soon.

Tomorrow we go to Maternal Fetal Medicine at Cleveland Clinic for a pre-conception appointment. Basically what that is is a high risk pregnancy office where they specialize in pregnancies with moms taking certain medications, with certain issues and illnesses, and so on.

The hope is that they will tell us exactly what medications I would have to go off of, what medications we can use in their place, and what we can do to try and make this as good of a pregnancy as possible despite all of my health issues.

It's terrifying, to be honest. I want children, but I also feel that it's possible that this time I just won't have the strength for it. It's very possible we'll go in tomorrow and they will say that they don't think I'll be able to do it. Or a month in to going off the meds, it will be so bad that I won't be able to function or get out of bed.

I don't know yet. But we're taking that first step.