Suicide is Expensive

So, I thought I would share how much my Emergency Room/ICU/IV Fluids/Labs all together cost $41,543.50.

This doesn't even include the psych ward stay. That was somewhere from $8-$15k.

And for the first time since I got this insurance: it's not on us to pay any of it.

Thank the gods.

After The Attempt (A story of a suicide attempt)

Don't Order the Headstone Yet

I'm sure most people didn't really notice, but a few did: I was offline from Friday evening to Tuesday afternoon. It wasn't because I wanted time away from the internet or because I went on a nice vacation.

Friday night I took 50 Tylenol PM in a suicide attempt.

I am extremely lucky to be alive. We got the ambulance there not long after I did it, and they gave me charcoal to drink. I was in the ICU for about 3 days with IVs and a catheter in. Then I was moved over to the psych ward on Monday and was there until Wednesday (so ~3 days in the ICU, and 3 in the Psych ward.)

I am going to be making a video to answer any questions people may have. I thought that would be better than just typing it up.

So, please put your questions here, or on Facebook or Google+ and I will be making that soon.

I am thankful to still be alive.

A Triumph, A Day

Tomorrow is the very first Day of Affirmation. I've been working for weeks and weeks to get this all together, to make this a success. A lot of typing, a lot of printing, a lot of research and legwork, and here it is tomorrow. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings: anxiety that I'll fail, excited to see what happens, stressed trying to make sure everything is together, and even a little sad that in less than 24 hours it will done and over with.

I did this.

I did it.

Just when you don't expect it, you get hit!

So, Ellie's car needs a whole new engine, which is money we don't have. So I'm doing one of the only things I can think of to do right now. Please go and check it out! We're offering things for high donations!




She's my roommate and best friend, and needs a way to get to work!

http://www.gofundme.com/2sxbd4

Who failed who?

I've been procrastinating posting because my mind has been all over the place when it comes to my emotions and what I think about what is going on in my life right now. What I should do is just call my counselor and be like "Fuck the insurance, let's just make an appointment and continue with therapy. They'll figure it out eventually and I can fight them if they try to be asses."

My uncle had surgery for cancer yesterday. I was a an emotional mess most of the day worrying about what happened, but he's doing fine and is finally home and resting.

And my father has cancer, and this brings up a lot of conflicting emotions. We aren't speaking right now because I decided that I can't handle it anymore. My depression and anxiety have been getting steadily worse over the last couple of years and I was finally at my breaking point, and the wedding tipped it over into the realm of "I can't have you in my life."

So now in finding this out, I went to my brother to get more information so I could decide how to handle it, an in the end I decided not to say anything.

He's having surgery on June 27th.

And now here comes the mixed emotions. I don't feel ready to talk to him. My insurance company halted my damn therapy, and I feel like I'm more of a mess than I was, though hiding it much better. But I must be an absolutely horrible daughter for not saying anything.

I know my dad doesn't really like me (or I guess that's my perception since my mom would tell me that's not true. I don't believe her though) but this might well push that dislike into just all around never wants to speak to me again. And I don't know how I feel about that. Hurt? Guilty? Relieved? I mean, I guess now there would be no guessing on my side.

I think I'm beginning to ramble, so I'm just going to stop now and go and work on something else. Distraction is a good tool.

I thought we were done with this

I went to the doctor's yesterday in hopes of getting some sort of answer as to why this new kind of sickness is happening. I figured he wouldn't have any immediate answers. And sure enough, he kind of looked at me after I explained everything that has happened the last month and said 2 things:

1. That I need to get in to see my gynecologist (which I knew already).

2. He really wasn't sure what was going on. We just have to test and see what happens!

And I knew it was coming! But still, I'm sitting there like "and here I thought we were done with mystery illnesses!"

I guess not.

So here's the plan: He tests me for Celiac again (while also testing to see if something could have caused a false negative about 5 years ago), and I have to take a pill that reduces the acid in the stomach in hopes of calming down the nausea that way. And get an appointment with my OB/GYN.

And so we come to the difficult part: Do I go to the doctor I've been seeing, who so far, I feel, has steered me down the wrong direction with a lot of things (the IUD was a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life), or do I go back to the doctor who didn't know how to help me with my vaginal pain and have him help me?

I don't know what I should do with that...

When it rains, it pours

So let's be honest: being sick sucks. It always sucks. There really isn't a time you're thinking "wow, I feel great! What a wonderful life!" when you are chronically ill. You concentrate on managing symptoms and trying to live life despite it.

And then there are times when all you can do is lie in bed and think "damn it, just kill me already!" That was pretty much my week, and weekend, unfortunately. I deal constantly with pain and not feeling well, but this week was definitely a special case. Most of my time has been on the couch with a heating pad on my abdomen trying to deal with pain, waking up in the middle of the night sick, and not being able to eat much.

I think I've finally hit the beginning of this getting better; at least when it comes to the worst of the symptoms. I don't really expect the nausea to go away because it's been here for almost a month now.

They tell you when you are diagnosed with Fibromyalgia that it is not a progressive disease. On the plus side, they have it half right. It doesn't, as far as we know now, destroy tissue, nerves, or cells. So yay for that! But to say it doesn't progress and get worse would be lying, because it can and it does. Mine gets worse every year.

I have to remind myself that it can't break my spirit. Not if I don't let it. And I won't. I can't.

When the curtain falls

Death is hard. To lose someone, to know they aren't there anymore for you to talk to. And it's even harder when things were left unsaid, undone, not dealt with. How do you go forward to find peace when you can't say what you needed to? How can you end that chapter not knowing what their response would be? It's a hard thing to do, and not one I know the answer to.

I've found out in the last 24 hours that one friend lost a mom, and my cousin lost a grandpa. And now I learn that an old friend is dying.

I cannot really tell you how I feel because to be honest, I'm not sure right now... I feel sad for the families, I feel sad for my friend, and I feel sad for my cousin and her family.

With Gina... it's hard to describe. It gets worse the more I think about it. So I'm going to end this post here, with a link to where her poor daughters are asking for donations to help with the funeral expenses. I have no money to give, so this is my only way to help.

A Fund For Mom

This too shall pass

This hasn't been a good weekend pain wise. Between my back and my uterus, which causes pain to radiate all down my legs, I'm over it all. I'm mostly surviving with Midol, Tylenol, and a great big heating pad! But a lot of creative energies going right now, so I guess it all evens out in some way!

And now I have the nausea back, but I have ginger ale for that.

That's been a new thing. This constant nausea. It's never been this bad before. It makes dinner suck.

A Breath of Life

I've deciding that writing more would be helpful for me, so I'm setting a goal to write an entry at least 3 times a week right now, and those entries don't include any photo or video entries I make. I don't know why it gets so hard for me to blog and talk when things aren't going well. Maybe it's because I've been so beaten down to believe that I need to hide it at all times that I just don't see a reason to. But I need to stop that. Part of this blog is about relieving my thoughts, and helping others in the process, and I can't do that if I'm not saying anything.

My insurance company has been a great big pain in the ass lately. It sucks that I went from such great insurances with my parents to this hell hole that Asher's work has given us. I started my trauma therapy, and immediately after starting my insurance went "Nope, not in network!" and now we're waiting on some information about a payment helping program from the hospital.

It pisses me off so much. People who so badly need these medical services, like me, get shafted because the insurance companies don't want to pay for anything, and do they tell you ahead of time? No, of course not.

Mom thinks come 2014 I may be eligible for Medicaid. God I hope so, because this is ridiculous. Do they really think stressing out someone as sick as I am is helping? No, it only makes all of the pain and all of the illness worse.

This shit seriously needs to change.

Weekly Inblot Episode 11: ADD/ADHD

Weekly Inkblot Episode 10: Borderline Personaity Disorder

Wonky comments?

I keep getting comments on posts, which is awesome, but! when I go to answer, they have disappeared. Is anyone else having this issue?

Weekly Inkblot Episode 8: Coping Mechanisms

Weekly Inkblot Episode 7 The History of Treating Mental Illness

Weekly Inkblot Episode 6: Social Support and Suicide Prevention

Weekly Inkblot Episode 5: Therapies

Weekly Inkblot Episode 4: PTSD

Stand Up For Mental Health!

Effects of Depression
Social Anxiety Support and Help
Discover the Causes of PTSD.

Weekly Inkblot Episode 3: Anxiety

Weekly Inkblot Episode 2: Depression

RIP

 

We love you, Beau, and will miss you so much. We'll meet again.

 

Weekly Inkblot Episode 1: What is Mental Health?

To Whom It May Concern

My name is Emi Cordill, and I am a mental health patient in Ohio. I have been on medications and in therapy for over ten years. With the Newtown tragedy, everyone began to start questioning what we could have done differently to have prevented it. A lot of people talked about gun control, but many spoke about things in the mental health field that needed to change. Part of that change is awareness, and a change of thinking when it comes to mental health and mental illness. And that change must begin with us.

This is why my friends and I are starting a weekly web series titled Weekly Inkblot. Every Friday at 7pm on Google+ Hangout we will talk about mental health, mental illness, and everything that goes with it. We wish to raise awareness, and we hope to help people. After we air on Google+, it will be uploaded onto my youtube page at http://www.youtube.com/jroseemi.

I am sharing this information with you because I want to get the word out and I am trying all avenues I have to do that. We have a facebook page and will be posting the videos there every week, as well as people can add me on Google+ to try and get on the panel one week, or even to just watch it live.

If we change just one life, it is worth it.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Emi Cordill

Weekly Inkblot Introduction

2013

May 2013 be filled with blessings and lots of good change!