10 years ago....

This actually is still a week away, but it's been weighing on my mind, so I thought I'd discuss it. 10 years ago marks a time that was very hard for me. I had only been in Ohio for a semester, I was a new freshman in high school, and to top it all off, I really hard to start dealing with the full effects of my PTSD. I hadn't been seeing counselors for very long, and I had finally agreed to going on a medication.

Now, let me say that I do think Prozac is an effective tool. I know because it was for me, but not until it was used right. This psychiatrist put a severely depressed, suicidal girl on a medication and then decided it was fine that I not be seen regularly. I didn't think anything about it at the time. I didn't understand how dangerous that was.

Until 10 years ago.

It was Friday right before Labor day weekend, and I was having a lot of problems. Top it all off with the fact that I got into a huge fight with my friend and it set me off. I went into mom's room while she was at the store, took half of her Tylenol bottle (extra strength) and downed them. I would have taken all of them, but I wanted to leave some for my mom, who has MS and deals with a lot of pains.

I would have succeeded too had I not posted my suicide not online. I forgot that there was one person who had a phone number to someone other than me, and luckily she took what a 14 year old was saying seriously.

I remember when we were in the emergency room and I could feel all of my muscles tensing. It was like being pinched really hard right on the muscles.

I was dying.

Every single year since then, when Labor day rolls around, it's hard not to think about it. The doctors told my parents that had they been just a few minutes later, there wouldn't have been anything they could do to help me.

I would hope that if you are ever faced with someone saying they have taken something, or are going to take something, that you take it seriously. It could mean the difference between life and death.

Yay for the grad!

So today is finally the day of Asher's graduation party. With the wedding events, we couldn't do it until now. His mom was not invited, but Aunt Dolly was. Not sure if she'll go though. I know she doesn't like me anymore because Sharon doesn't like me, and those 2 are like little peas in a pod. Whatever.

We're going to have brauts, au gratin potatoes, baked beans, cake, and oatmeal scotchie cookies! Lots of good food. I still need to ice the cake though. It's not going to look as nice as the ones from the grocery store or anything, but it will taste good and it's from the heart.

Here's to everything going well!

Live to dance

So, I went to one of my specialists today. One of the ones dealing with my POTS. So we've upped my fludrocortisone, which is a steroid meant to hold sodium in my system. We're adding on a salt tablet. And he wants me to work on an aerobic exercise system.

I guess there have been studies in people with POTS that they can strengthen the heart with aerobic exercise. Normally people with POTS have smaller hearts, less able to handle stress and exercise. But with aerobic exercise, they can enlarge the heart and get stronger. Which makes sense.

I have a couple of dance workout videos I want to try out. See if that can get my heart going. I'll obviously listen to my body if it tells me to stop. But it's something.

Etsy goodness

I've been adding things to my my etsy shop and wanted to share. :)

Wedding!

The wedding went really well. It was beautiful, she was beautiful, and now they are married!

And now I'm really back into my wedding planning. I want to get stuff done early so I don't have to scramble by the end of it. I'm still waiting to hear back from the corset place though. If they don't get back to me, I'm going to have to find someone else to do it, which sucks... I want to make sure it is really good quality.

I found out the most horrible thing about my future mother in law.... and oh god, I'm disgusted. I'm not going to go into details, but I will say if I have children, she is not allowed to be near them at all. EVER.

Freaking out a little bit

So today is my friend's rehearsal dinner for her wedding. She's marrying my fiance's brother, which is great because I love them both and am so happy for them. The problem I have? It means I have to see my soon to be mother in law....

You know, after everything that has happened, I am scared to death to see her. I broke down crying the other morning because I knew I had to see her. Ash is trying to tell me I have nothing to be afraid of, and maybe I don't, but that doesn't mean it changes my feelings. I don't want to see her. Ever. She has done so many horrible and hurtful things and I just can't handle it.

Of course, I will do this for Shellie and Aaron. Plain and simple. I am excited for the wedding. But it will be really hard all the same.

My brudder (brother)

I want to talk a bit about my brother. For starters, he knows how to push my buttons. He can send me into freak out mode, and then he can calm me down. When I was younger, he used to love to get me into meltdown mode. But now he's finally using his magic powers for good and he can calm me down so fast.

Justin is an honest man, sweet, loving, funny, hyper, and he hopes one day to be a good father, which I know he will be. He loves teaching people and helping people. He's compassionate and empathetic. He's just a great guy all around.

I've been having a real bad time lately with my depression and anxiety, and he has been a rock throughout it. Every chance he gets, he shows me how much he loves me. That's really important to know when it feels like the rest of the world is falling apart. To have at least one person there with their hands outreached to you. I'm lucky to have him as my brother.



Now I haven't mentioned this before, but he is currently going through a divorce. All of us were so surprised because we thought the marriage was a solid one. At first I actually felt kind of sorry for his ex-wife because she was missing out on one of the greatest guys ever. And now I'm just angry at her.

Go ahead and hate him. It doesn't matter because he's moved on. He's not going to pay attention to your little temper tantrums now. But it's not his fault your life has fallen apart. This was all your own doing, not his. You chose to cheat, you chose to go hog wild in your personal life. The only person to blame here is YOU.

Maybe you should take a good look at yourself and maybe then you'll see who is ruining your life. Because I promise you, it is not my brother.


His girlfriend is lucky to have him. Hold on to him girl. He is the best.

Sigh

Honestly, I'm beginning to regard my depression problems are being even worse than the fibromyalgia at the moment. I go back and forth from being all right to ridiculously messed up. Luckily today the extent of my freak out was to just go over to the couch, say I'm worthless, and go to sleep. It's definitely not one of my worst, but it's not good either.

And I know as soon as I tell my psychiatrist this, he's going to be having me come in every 2 weeks, doing med changes, and all that good stuff... I don't know whether I should mark each day I manage to go off the edge. It would at least let me see realistically how bad it is right now.

And yes, Justin, I did think of calling you. And then I decided I just wanted to sleep. So I did think about it, and it actually did calm me down a little.

Now I'm making the first batch of pumpkin muffins for the wedding. It smells like heaven in here. At least that's a good thing.

Crafting I didn't know I could do!

I'm not the best with sewing machines. I need to figure out again how to thread my sewing machine and work on it some more. I am getting fairly good at hand sewing. But still, I'm not that confident in it. So when Shellie asked me to do the bustle for both her wedding dress and coat, I was ready to have a heart attack! Every time the dress was brought up last night, I started to freak out.

Luckily, Sarah knew how to put them in the right place, and I pinned it, and then did the scary part: sewing them. It turned out really well though!

We got a ton of wedding stuff done yesterday too. Still have a lot more to do, but yeah. It's getting there.

Woo!

Bachelor party for Asher's brother Aaron today. Ash bought things for beer pong, and a cheap beer bong and then they're going to play video games. I get to be there for the beginning only because I'll be in the kitchen dealing with food. Then I get to go to my room and dye my hair for the wedding. I have a feeling poor Rhapsody will be hiding in the closet all night.

Black cherry

Just bought some new drinks. I'm going back to flavored water. The doctor wants me to get more water in my system, and also to have drinks that are completely calorie free. I still need to talk to the other doctor about the electrolytes I need from the Gatorade, but for now this will do. We'll see if it causes me to pass out more or not. The problem the doctors have had with water is that it flushes out the sodium, which I need to store more of than normal people so I don't have the dizzy spells and pass out.

Also bought a bunch of fruit because he said adding more fruits and veggies to the diet will help me lose some of this medicine weight. I'm going to force myself to get into the gym MWF and then do other exercises at home on the other days. Hopefully this will work.

Nightmares

I notice that my nightmares always revolve around Utah. That's usually the setting where they take place. I think it's part of the PTSD. That's where a lot of it happened. I've noticed that in the dreams, I'm a lot safer if it takes place at grandma's house, whereas the big brown house on Navajo is where the worst nightmares occur. It's interesting.

I got an audio CD of my grandma telling about her life. It's kind of bittersweet. I get to hear her voice again. I get to hear about her life. I get to hear her tell me stories. But it makes me miss her even more.

A candle for Kim

May you rest in peace. I love you. I'll miss you.

Distraction

I went to the funeral yesterday, and it was... painful. Hearing the eulogy, seeing the coffin, watching the slide show. It was difficult. I almost completely lost it when they were wheeling the coffin out. It was finally real. I couldn't try to deny it was true because there it was right in front of me.

I'm just lucky we have Shellie's wedding right in front of us because it keeps me distracted. We have a lot to do still for it, and I'm hoping that will make me forget for now.

I just want to know why.