Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving, and be thankful for the people you love. You never know how long you will have them.

Dear Father

More poetry from IOP.

And no, I don't want a phone call or an email about this. I just need to get it off my chest, that's all. Just let me do this.

What do you think when you see me?

A failure of what I could never be?

A child needing guidance in the night,

A teenager throwing fire into the fight?

Do you have good memories

Or are they all forced pleasantries?

Do you look at me and see my beauty?

Do you see the scars I keep unseen?

Am I that beautiful little girl?

Have I become that precious pearl?

Am I disfigured freak?

Something you prefer not to seek.

With wings too broken to fly

And no more tears to cry.

Do you ever feel a flash of pride?

Or would you rather I always hide?

Do you stop to wonder if I’m okay

Or just hope I just sit and decay?

Do you stop to think of that child

That grew up fearful and wild?

The tiny seed you once planted

Do you wish it could be recanted?

Do you only see what you wish me to be

Or do you really see me?

Just another Wedsneday

We're working on communication and assertiveness in IOP. I keep learning it, and I know it all, I just need to find a way to live it. I need to live with the idea that I will always use assertive communication, but then I get scared or hurt and I hide or I fight. Always fight or flight. It what I've learned and lived. It takes time to change what is so ingrained in you.

Oh Ambien, we meeteth again....

So apparently getting off the Ambien is not going to be so easy. See, a few months ago, (about 2 to be exact) I had gotten completely off the Ambien and everything was going great. The Tylenol PM and Melatonin was doing a great job. Then one night it just stopped working. I tried taking more in the early hours of the morning. Nothing. And so I found myself back on the Ambien out of desperation (that day of no sleep was hell).

I was more hopeful this time because rather than just the Tylenol and a natural sleep aid, I had the Elavil, which worked amazingly for me. I fell asleep easily and it was going well. And just like last time, a couple of weeks into it, it just stopped working. That would be on Friday night. When I took a second Elavil and Tylenol PM in the early hours, I finally fell asleep, but I missed one of the games I was supposed to go to.

So Saturday night, I decide to try with 2 Elavil and a normal dose of Tylenol PM. Nothing. I was tired as hell, but there was no chance of going to sleep.

And so I remember that day of not sleeping, and I got desperate, and took the Ambien.

Tomorrow I have to take my mom, early, to her MRI. I can't just not sleep. I can't fiddle with this right now. It's not a good time. So.... I'm back on Ambien until I can talk to a doctor (which the soonest chance I have to do so would be the end of the month.)

I am so fucking pissed.

To Live

We did poetry therapy yesterday in IOP, and this is what I came up with. I think my grandma was trying to give me a message.

You do not have to be perfect.
You do not have to run your body
so ragged and run down.
Rest my wear child.
Lay your head within my lap
and sleep until the moon is at rest
and the sun calls your name merrily.
You do not have to trudge on.
You do not have to bleed so much
until you are too weary to go on.
Close your eyes to your harsh reality
and feel as soft hands envelope you
in a warm embrace.
You do not have to endure these hardships alone,
hidden from the world.
You do not have to cry so late into the night.
Rest now, for I am here.
I will wrap you up in blankets so soft
and keep watch as you breathe easy,
unharmed, untouched.
You do not have to carry this weight anymore.
You do not have to watch this grey
and dreary world decay before you.
Stop to catch your breath
and I will light the night torch for you,
leading you in to safer pastures.
You do not have to die.
As my light grows dim and extinguishes,
yours will shine brighter.
You have to live.

Whoooosh!

This week has gone by in a blur. Sleep, work, go to IOP, sleep, IOP, sleep, doctors, work, sleep, IOP....

Longer post about IOP to come.