And the rain keeps coming

One of my friends from the Chronic Pain Rehabilitation Center at Cleveland Clinic died on July 27. I just found out today.

I'm completely numb. It doesn't make sense. She was doing so much better. She had gotten the help she needed, she was doing well, seeing her grandson a lot, spending time with her kids. She was happy. I don't understand why this had to happen.

Yay for some good news finally!

I'm not going to go into large detail about what happened because I think my fiance deserves his privacy, but I will say that many years ago (over 3 now) he made some pretty big mistakes and ended up with a felony on his record and spending 6 months in prison. His family refers to it as camp. I hate that term because I think it makes it seem much nicer than it was. He went through hell in there, and lets just call it what it is. Prison.

Anyway... we went to court today because he had a hearing on whether they would expunge it off his record or not. He was the really calm one while I was fidgety as hell. I was worried the prosecutor would have some objection (because isn't that what they normally do?) but it went off without a hitch, and it will be expunged within 30 days.

I'm so glad!

Quote of the century!

So, I didn't even mean to do this, but it cracked me up afterward. I'm in the process of making penis cupcakes for my friend's bachelorette party on Saturday, and the cat got under my feet and was trying to get attention. So I said this to her:

"I'm sorry honey, but mommy has to get the penises out of the oven."

Mental breakdowns are fun!

As you all can see, I had a complete break down last night. I'm kind of avoiding phone calls, partly because I'm tired and partly because I just can't talk about it right now. The wound is too fresh. There is so much that led to it and my mind gets going and there's not much I can do.

I did talk to Ash about it, and am starting to feel better. I have in my mind that I must be this horrible person because I keep losing friends, and I feel responsible for what happened with Ash and his mom. And I always say, if something keeps happening, eventually you have to look to yourself for what you need to fix. And so I looked at myself last night and decided that I was worthless and horrible.

And now today I'm kind of outside myself. I guess it's kind of a dissociative response. It's like I'm here, but I'm not. I don't know how to describe it.

Just know that right now I am safe, which really is the most important thing at the moment.

This world would be a better place without me in it.

Dad, I wish you had truly loved me. It's all I ever wanted.

Wedding things

We have everything ready for Shellie's bachelorette party. And then today we go and get Andreana her dress. Not much time left until Shellie's wedding. I plan on making sure everything goes smoothly for them. No matter what some drama certain people might want to dredge up, I'm not putting up with it. And we have at least one other bridesmaid who has the same feelings on it that I do.

Working on a memoir with the same title as this blog. I'm dealing with all the mother in law stuff since it's still fresh in my mind and it won't be too hard to write up, then I'll go back to the beginning and work from there. It's good to be writing again.

This weight issue..

I think this is something a lot of pain patients deal with: unwanted weight gain.

I'm sure everyone knows already that I've had a significant amount of weight gain. It's because of my medications, and it sucks because that is one of the hardest to shed off because it's not necessarily you. It's the meds. I've been really upset about it too. I look down and I feel depressed about it. I see the stretch marks, the big belly hanging out, my large thighs, and it makes me so mad. I don't want to be like this. I was comfortable in the weight I was before. It was always between 120 and 140, but I could handle that. 170? I don't think I can handle that.

So, concentrated efforts to try and get it off. I want to start going to gym each day, even if that means walking out with Ash while he heads off to work and heading over to our apartment gym. I'm not thrilled with our apartment gym. The bike makes loud noises, I can't handle a step climber or tread mill (I'm in so much pain afterward) and I wouldn't even know how to use the bowflex. But at least it's something. And at least 2 to 3 times a week I need to go to the big gym. I need to start working on this. I can't just pretend it's not there. I want to look amazing for my wedding, and with that comes the weight loss (in my eyes).

I know I need to find a way to feel comfortable in myself no matter what, but I don't know that even a year is enough time to try and get me to that point. And getting into shape isn't a bad thing either. It's better for me. It helps my pain levels, which have been bad lately.

In good news, though, I finished my first commissioned work for someone. I actually created someone's wedding invitation! I felt so proud, and it made me feel so good. It was the first time in a long time I felt really truly necessary and important. I can definitely say my depression was significantly decreased because of it. That's a big deal. And it's proof that in order to be happy, I need to be doing something artistic. That's my calling in life.

I almost want to say "sorry dad" because I have a feeling my father will look down on my choice. Maybe I'm wrong. It just seems like even my dream to just write books was kind of eye rolled at in that house.

I don't even care. I love art, I love being artistic, this is what I am meant to do.

2 years!

2 years ago, the love of my life asked me to be his girl. It was the best decision I ever made, and I am in heaven when I'm with him. I love you, baby! Happy anniversary!

The End....?

Well, I'm sure it's not entirely the end. The shit has hit the fan and this will be a huge explosion.

Either way, I'm pretty sure Ash and I have been kicked out of the family. Well, at least when it comes to Sharon. The birthday party went horribly. She attacked me personally rather than just admit that she said anything about my weight. Called me a rude person, how I'm always rude to them. No, I'm not. I've been nothing but nice to you, woman, even when I got to the point I couldn't stand you. And if you're talking about me being quiet? Well now you're just being a bitch. I'm quiet because of a very severe, genetic social phobia. She also tried saying I never liked her, which isn't true. I never liked her husband, but she was a different story. It wasn't until his grandma died and we started seeing how petty and cruel she could be, and that's when I stopped liking her.

Ash wouldn't stand for her doing that, and went off on her. I don't even remember the specifics because I walked out after the first insult (she did more after I left).

Either way, he gave his key back and we're not going over there or contacting them again. Ash was expecting this and he's very calm about the whole thing. He's been expecting it for a long time.

I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand

Those lyrics say a hell of a lot that I feel a lot of the time.

Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect

Wow....

My future sister-in-law, Andreana, was talking to Sharon last night. Apparently Sharon admits to what she did, at least about Shellie, and told Andreana why should she apologize since she did nothing wrong? She was perfectly right in what she said.

I cannot believe this woman!!

What is family?

I think my brother has magical powers. It started when we were young, and has lasted even until now. He has this uncanny ability to just calm me down and make me feel better. I don't even know how he does it. And he's right in what he says too. We can't let Sharon just get away with talking behind our backs about things so sensitive as weight. We can't let her think this behavior  is okay in any way.

Ash and I have been talking extensively about what is going to happen now. He's sad it has come to this, but I think he is ready to turn away if he has to. He's planning on talking about what she did as calmly as possible. The best scenario is that she admits what she did and just apologizes to all parties involved. Worst case scenario is that we walk out while telling her she isn't welcome in our house either.

But what I have definitely decided is that after the birthday party, I will not be going to her house again. My brother is right in that it needs to be a clean break away so she knows I'm not accepting her behavior. And in the long run, it's better for me. I'm so tired of pretending to like them. They are such fake people, and I can only handle a few hours with them before I get tired of the game. So it's better to just remove myself from the situation. If Ash wants to continue to go over there, then that is up to him. It's still his mother. But I don't have to, and I won't.

We'll see what happens this weekend though. Aaron has already told his mom that he is unhappy with all of this, and I'm proud of him for sticking up to her. I know he tends to lean toward not making waves, but this is his wife we're talking about and he has to stick up for her. And he did. And Ash will too. This birthday party will change things forever.

This bitch

Now that I'm a little calmer, I can actually talk about this better. So, my future mother-in-law, known from now on known as Sharon, is the type of person who has no qualms about making fun of someone behind their back. We've seen her do it many times, unfortunately. I already knew she talked behind my back, and it didn't really bother me because what she was saying was just so ridiculous it was funny to me.

For example, I'm a bad person apparently for saying "hi" instead of "hello" and how dare I call her by her actual name and not Mom. Um, you aren't my mom, you'll never be my mom. Get over it, Sharon..

Well on Friday, I let it slip to Shellie that Sharon had been making fun of her weight, which is a horrible thing to do to someone who has had problems with bulimia like Shellie has. I felt so horrible, not because I told her, but because of how badly it affected her. I felt responsible for the pain she was in. Aaron, her fiance and Asher's brother, then told us that Sharon had made a comment about how I've been ballooning up.

Now this wouldn't have bothered me except I was already very upset with my weight gain, all which is happening because of my medications which makes it impossible to really do anything about it. So that made it 100 times worse.

We spent yesterday kind of obsessing over it because we couldn't get it out of our minds. We want to tell her somehow that we know what she is doing. I want to hear Asher tell her that's unacceptable behavior and that we won't tolerate it. And then every part of me never wants to go to her house again. Shellie feels the same way, but she has firmly decided she's never going back over there while I'm on the fence because it's not really fair to people whose party is being thrown. Like Asher for instance. His birthday party is being thrown this weekend coming up. I can't just not go. It's for my fiance. Same with his graduation party later this month.

I think we're just going to go to Uncle Tom's this year for thanksgiving though. Not sure about Christmas eve yet. We'll see.

I just don't want to go back. I don't want to pretend I like this woman anymore. It's a lie. She's a horrible person, And not someone I want to deal with at all. I'm just done playing these stupid games.

Sharon, you're an adult. You're in your damn 50s. Grow the fuck up.

Oh hell no

So my mother in law apparently thinks its okay to not only talk shit behind people's back, but she also thinks it's pretty damn funny to make fun of other people's weight. How is that even close to okay? You're saying shit about 1. someone who is gaining weight because of meds and 2. someone who used to be bulimic, and we're talking about 2 different people here. HOW IS THAT EVER OKAY?

She makes me never want to go over to her house. I'm so done with her. I'm done pretending to be nice, pretending to like her. Because I don't. Her and her husband are horrible people, and if I have kids, they will NOT be around this shit. I'm so done.

Phone woes

I got a new phone. Not because I wanted a new phone. No. But because I dropped my phone into a bowl of water last night and killed it. You can imagine just how happy I was. But now my phone is purple, and luckily my old phone did a system backup of all my contacts, so even though my phone was unreadable, they were still able to move my contacts over. Thank the gods!