Asher is graduating from ITT Tech today! I'm so proud of him. He really turned his life around in the last 3 years. From drugs and prison to a steady job, a fiance, ready to get an apartment, and graduating from school (which he paid for out of his own pocket the entire time!).
Congrats, love!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Migraines
I've had the most horrible 2 day migraine. It finally went away last night, but the effects of being in that much pain lasts into the next day. Every little twinge of pain scares the hell out of me. I'm so afraid it's going to come back and there will be nothing I can do to get rid of it.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Confessions
I've been in a bad state emotionally. I don't know exactly what to call these frenzies I go into. They don't fit into what a panic attack is, but it almost feels like it should be called that. I'm completely irrational and messed up emotionally, and I don't know how to stop it.
And then it always feels like no one really cares what happens to me, and that sucks. I'm so alone. Even surrounded by people, I can be alone and stuck in my head.
But in the end, why should anyone care about this? It's not happening to them. So they hold no stock in it.
And then it always feels like no one really cares what happens to me, and that sucks. I'm so alone. Even surrounded by people, I can be alone and stuck in my head.
But in the end, why should anyone care about this? It's not happening to them. So they hold no stock in it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
4 periods a year
One thing I have noticed about going onto a regime of birth control where I only get my period every 3 months: cramping is a bitch when that period finally shows up.
And now it seems my body is a little confused and despite the fact that it's not bleeding at all, it's acting like it is. I have severe cramping and headaches that only midol will get rid of (on the plus side, at least the midol is finally helping. It never helped me before all of this). It was so bad on Saturday that I accidentally woke up Asher with my gasping in pain.
Oh, and I had a nurse yesterday tell me to be careful because my pills might make me tired. She seems like a nice lady, but I mean, hello, I've been living with this for 3 years. I already knew that. In fact, 2 of them say it on the bottle.
I'm just tired and grumpy right now.
And now it seems my body is a little confused and despite the fact that it's not bleeding at all, it's acting like it is. I have severe cramping and headaches that only midol will get rid of (on the plus side, at least the midol is finally helping. It never helped me before all of this). It was so bad on Saturday that I accidentally woke up Asher with my gasping in pain.
Oh, and I had a nurse yesterday tell me to be careful because my pills might make me tired. She seems like a nice lady, but I mean, hello, I've been living with this for 3 years. I already knew that. In fact, 2 of them say it on the bottle.
I'm just tired and grumpy right now.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Ostara
The ritual was beautiful and very personal. I think everyone truly felt the connection we all had to each other. And there was SO MUCH FOOD! This coven knows how to feast, that's for sure! We all had a lot of fun.
Now we start clergy training, which will teach everything from ethics to protection to various types of magic and so on. We start with Ethics on Sunday. I'm excited to get into the training. I want to be as knowledgeable as possible, and that can't just come from books. It comes from experience and testing your limits and abilities.
Now we start clergy training, which will teach everything from ethics to protection to various types of magic and so on. We start with Ethics on Sunday. I'm excited to get into the training. I want to be as knowledgeable as possible, and that can't just come from books. It comes from experience and testing your limits and abilities.
Our willow tree. Isn't it beautiful?
Ellie and me
Shellie and me
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Ostara
Happy Ostara everyone! I'm so excited for today. It's our first big ritual as a coven again, and we're dedicating ourselves to the group and the gods. And then after there will be lots of feasting and fun. I love this coven so much, and am so glad we have the people we do.
Hope you all have a great day!
Hope you all have a great day!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Patrick's Day,
St. Patrick legendarily drove the 'snakes' out of Ireland - snakes being the Pagan people. Never forget that. I'm wearing a snake on my arm today in remembrance of my fellow Pagans
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
We won
I know I've mentioned it before, but we went to Social Security today and got the full information. I definitely won completely. If what the paperwork today said is right, we don't need to appeal anything at all. I am disabled, and have been since before I was 22, and will start getting benefits in April.
I can't even explain what it feels like.
I can't even explain what it feels like.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
You Lift Me Up (Part 2)
I'm in quite as angry of a place at this moment, probably because of something going on with a friend in a completely different circle, but it makes me nostalgic for my friend that I was talking about 2 posts down.
I don't want to make her sound like a horrible person, because she's not. The problem is that the friend I loved doesn't seem to be there anymore. She's too bogged down by the depression. I haven't seen the friend I love in months now. Every once in a while there is a glimpse of that person, but it's becoming further and further between those moments.
Shellie did a tarot reading for her a while ago and one of the things it says is that she is where she is now due to what she has done in the past, and the future will be paved out with the actions she chooses to take. She has pushed us all away now, and she probably feels like she can't trust any of us, but we still love her. We sit there trying to figure out what to do, how to help, and we don't know what to do.
When she is being the person I remember, she's funny, intelligent, insightful, very good at reading people, and very protective. She also wants to keep learning, keep reading. She's an amazing woman. But she doesn't see that, and won't listen to us. I feel like my friend is being slowly murdered and I can't do anything to help her.
I want my friend back.
I don't want to make her sound like a horrible person, because she's not. The problem is that the friend I loved doesn't seem to be there anymore. She's too bogged down by the depression. I haven't seen the friend I love in months now. Every once in a while there is a glimpse of that person, but it's becoming further and further between those moments.
Shellie did a tarot reading for her a while ago and one of the things it says is that she is where she is now due to what she has done in the past, and the future will be paved out with the actions she chooses to take. She has pushed us all away now, and she probably feels like she can't trust any of us, but we still love her. We sit there trying to figure out what to do, how to help, and we don't know what to do.
When she is being the person I remember, she's funny, intelligent, insightful, very good at reading people, and very protective. She also wants to keep learning, keep reading. She's an amazing woman. But she doesn't see that, and won't listen to us. I feel like my friend is being slowly murdered and I can't do anything to help her.
I want my friend back.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Cleveland Clinic: Chronic Pain Rehabilitation Program
So I want to tell you guys about a program I entered last summer. It's at the Walker Building on the main campus of Cleveland Clinic in (duh) Cleveland. It's called the Chronic Pain Rehabilitation Program. It changed my life. It's changed the lives of many people.
This is an intensive program that goes for 3 to 4 weeks, Monday through Friday, 7am to 5pm.
The biggest question I get from people is what do they do there? They have you see doctors to adjust medication while trying to find the right combination for you, there's physical therapy, occupational therapy (learning the correct body mechanics to push a grocery cart, garden, do laundry, cook, clean dishes, etc), and a lot of forms of counseling (one on one, group therapy, assertiveness), and they help you get off the serious pain killers if you are addicted to them.
Seems like a lot huh? Seems almost impossible for someone who is in so much pain! But it's really not. I will admit that sometimes it did feel like too much, but each day seemed better. I think I got the most help from the various psychotherapies. But they taught me a lot. I went in very depressed, very ready to be done with life.
What they taught me is that it's okay if I can't do things like a normal person. It's okay if I am disabled. It's really about living life well. It's about enjoying the life you have, enjoying the people you share it with, and enjoy just being yourself.
I have my disability now, and as sad as it makes some of the nurses and doctors there when I tell them, they helped make it okay for me. So I'm disabled. That doesn't mean I don't have a fulfilled life. I do. And I wouldn't have known that I could if it weren't for them.
I highly recommend the program.
This is an intensive program that goes for 3 to 4 weeks, Monday through Friday, 7am to 5pm.
The biggest question I get from people is what do they do there? They have you see doctors to adjust medication while trying to find the right combination for you, there's physical therapy, occupational therapy (learning the correct body mechanics to push a grocery cart, garden, do laundry, cook, clean dishes, etc), and a lot of forms of counseling (one on one, group therapy, assertiveness), and they help you get off the serious pain killers if you are addicted to them.
Seems like a lot huh? Seems almost impossible for someone who is in so much pain! But it's really not. I will admit that sometimes it did feel like too much, but each day seemed better. I think I got the most help from the various psychotherapies. But they taught me a lot. I went in very depressed, very ready to be done with life.
What they taught me is that it's okay if I can't do things like a normal person. It's okay if I am disabled. It's really about living life well. It's about enjoying the life you have, enjoying the people you share it with, and enjoy just being yourself.
I have my disability now, and as sad as it makes some of the nurses and doctors there when I tell them, they helped make it okay for me. So I'm disabled. That doesn't mean I don't have a fulfilled life. I do. And I wouldn't have known that I could if it weren't for them.
I highly recommend the program.
A good day
Spend the day looking for wood for runes, making love to the fiance, and watching Being Human and that's the recipe for a good day.
You Lift Me Up
Someone at aftercare said something that really bothered me yesterday. She said that it was our responsibility as humans to lift others up and not drag them down. I agree with half of that. We shouldn't do things to bring people down, but it is far from our responsibility to lift them up.
Do you try to lift them up when their your friends? Of course you do! I do. But is it my responsibility to do that? Hell no! It's their responsibility to do it for themselves. If you constantly pick them up over and over and over again, then when will they ever do it for themselves?
That's what makes me so mad about this friend that I was talking about yesterday. She's not willing to lift herself up because we've been doing it for her for too long. So she's gotten lazy and selfish. It's easier to just use her friends than to work on herself, and that's what she does. I'm tired of being used. I was willing to help when I thought she was working on herself, but I see now signs of that, and she refuses to talk to me. So how else am I supposed to know?
She's the kind of person who completely shuts down when she is upset and refuses to talk. She doesn't like to even talk things out so there aren't any feelings of resentment left over, which I think is a really stupid way to live. How are you ever going to get things fixed if you don't talk about what happened? That's how Shellie and I managed to get so close again. We've talked about the fight we got into over and over and over again.
Another thing that bothered me is that she was constantly lying to me. The whole fight that happened with Shellie never would have gotten as bad on my end had I not been getting incorrect information. And at that point, you aren't just messing with two friends. You're messing up a family (since she's going to be my sister in law). I think that's disgusting.
So this is my way of getting it all out since she won't even speak to me about it. It's sad it's hard to come to this.
Do you try to lift them up when their your friends? Of course you do! I do. But is it my responsibility to do that? Hell no! It's their responsibility to do it for themselves. If you constantly pick them up over and over and over again, then when will they ever do it for themselves?
That's what makes me so mad about this friend that I was talking about yesterday. She's not willing to lift herself up because we've been doing it for her for too long. So she's gotten lazy and selfish. It's easier to just use her friends than to work on herself, and that's what she does. I'm tired of being used. I was willing to help when I thought she was working on herself, but I see now signs of that, and she refuses to talk to me. So how else am I supposed to know?
She's the kind of person who completely shuts down when she is upset and refuses to talk. She doesn't like to even talk things out so there aren't any feelings of resentment left over, which I think is a really stupid way to live. How are you ever going to get things fixed if you don't talk about what happened? That's how Shellie and I managed to get so close again. We've talked about the fight we got into over and over and over again.
Another thing that bothered me is that she was constantly lying to me. The whole fight that happened with Shellie never would have gotten as bad on my end had I not been getting incorrect information. And at that point, you aren't just messing with two friends. You're messing up a family (since she's going to be my sister in law). I think that's disgusting.
So this is my way of getting it all out since she won't even speak to me about it. It's sad it's hard to come to this.
Friday, March 11, 2011
I don't even know
I'm in a really strange place right now emotionally. Kind of between being relieved and then just drained and tired of all of this crap. And it's not even just the disability I'm talking about. It's a nice mixture of shit that you hope doesn't come to head at the same time, but it always does.
On the plus side, I got to see Kim, Kris, AND Peggy today at Aftercare (I'm going to make a separate post to tell you what this means, but for now just know that it's a day every month that we who were in the pain clinic goes back to the clinic to see people, do med checks, and get what we call a "booster shot"). That alone made my day.
But then I got a little too sick to go out to dinner with them and I've been lying down since then.
The coven is great, and we have Ostara coming up next week. So exciting!
One of my friendships is basically at it's end though. It's something that finally came to head this week and I don't think there is any coming back from this. She views it as me stabbing her in the back while I see it as her using me for her own means and not giving a damn about me.
It's a wonderful life...
On the plus side, I got to see Kim, Kris, AND Peggy today at Aftercare (I'm going to make a separate post to tell you what this means, but for now just know that it's a day every month that we who were in the pain clinic goes back to the clinic to see people, do med checks, and get what we call a "booster shot"). That alone made my day.
But then I got a little too sick to go out to dinner with them and I've been lying down since then.
The coven is great, and we have Ostara coming up next week. So exciting!
One of my friendships is basically at it's end though. It's something that finally came to head this week and I don't think there is any coming back from this. She views it as me stabbing her in the back while I see it as her using me for her own means and not giving a damn about me.
It's a wonderful life...
Monday, March 7, 2011
I won
I won my disability case.
It's only a partial win, up to a certain point when I was 22, but I still won. We have to talk to my lawyer, and then go to social security offices and find out how much money we'll get and when the payments start. Also we need to find out how they are paying the back pay and how much we'll end up getting.
But my student loans are now in nonpayment. The government officially says I'm disabled. I can look into getting a placard now.
There is still so much to do, but still... I won.
It's only a partial win, up to a certain point when I was 22, but I still won. We have to talk to my lawyer, and then go to social security offices and find out how much money we'll get and when the payments start. Also we need to find out how they are paying the back pay and how much we'll end up getting.
But my student loans are now in nonpayment. The government officially says I'm disabled. I can look into getting a placard now.
There is still so much to do, but still... I won.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Commenting problem
So I guess for some reason the commenting isn't working. I'm not sure why, or what I can do to fix it. :( I did a test comment last night and it came up fine, but my brother's comment didn't go through. Can anyone comment? Is anyone else's blog doing this?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Utah
I didn't mention yet but my dad is flying Asher and I out to Utah at the end of April for a visit. He'll get the chance to meet the family, see where I grew up, and go to grandma's grave with me. I just wish it could have been sooner. Knowing that grandma never got to meet him breaks my heart. She always wanted what was best for me. She wanted to see me healthy and happy, and I am happy with him. I would have told her how I met my soul mate just like she met hers in my grandpa.
I just hope wherever she is now, she can look down and see what an amazing man I've found and both her and grandpa can be happy for me.
At our wedding we'll be honoring those who are gone. We'll have a seat for them at the ceremony and we'll place a rose on the seat.
I miss you, grandma.
I just hope wherever she is now, she can look down and see what an amazing man I've found and both her and grandpa can be happy for me.
At our wedding we'll be honoring those who are gone. We'll have a seat for them at the ceremony and we'll place a rose on the seat.
I miss you, grandma.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Tylenol is not doing it's job!
My body hurts so much right now. I mentioned that I'm part of a gym now, and a really good one. They did an assessment and then worked to teach me some of the machines they think I should try doing. The guy did a great job of taking into account my limitations. He has me doing weight training, which is actually a good thing because I have done it before. But since it's been so long it has me in so much pain. My whole body hurts right now.
I can't even call it the "good hurt" like you tend to say after a good workout and you can tell it's helping. This is just ouch.
I can't even call it the "good hurt" like you tend to say after a good workout and you can tell it's helping. This is just ouch.
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