What to do?

I had another mental breakdown, and now I'm kind of on the fence of what to do. I have 2 major choices with this one, and it could change my life forever. But because of that it kind of has me in this place of being scared.

1. I could talk about what caused it, and start the steps towards what could be the final days of a major relationship in my life (no, not with Asher).

or

2. I keep my mouth shut and and just deal with all of the questions and doubts on my own.

So far I've been doing #2, obviously, but I really don't know how long I can let the questions go. And I hate being so vague about it, but I know that if I say exactly what it's about, I have no choice but to move forward. I'm torn between wanting to save the relationship and wanting to know the truth. :-/

In other news, I think I'm going to have them fiddle with my meds to try and find a combination that is both helpful and not causing more weight gain. I'm up to 180 lbs and I'm just at my wits end. I'm also fiddling with weight watchers.

So I'll take back my Lyrica and Cymbalta to where it was at before the clinic, and then after a little, watch to see if the weight changes, then start going back up on Cymbalta. That way I'll know which med is doing it. Here's to hoping I survive it!

Getting away

So I went up to Michigan for the weekend to see my friend Ash. This was my first time actually doing the drive all by myself. It's 3 hours from here. And I actually handled it rather well. The drive back was harder on my body, but I survived and thank god for Tylenol!

It was mainly a big handout session. Our mutual friend Kelly came over the first night to hang out and it was great to see her again. It's been around 3 years!

Ash, Kelly, and me

Then the second day, I did something I wasn't sure I'd ever do! I got a tattoo! I was really worried about the pain aspect, and whether it would heal alright with all of my health issues. I will say that the pain was definitely a 9 out of 10 when he was actually tattooing me. But I was able to get through it, and I absolutely love the tattoo. It was exactly what I wanted and he did a great job.

All in all, I had a great time, and it was nice meeting some of her best friends. We're going to try and plan a Cedar Point trip with everyone. They'll drive down and we'll drive up and I think it will be a blast!

New beginnings

So we got a new cat. We've been talking for a long time about getting a longer haired cat, one that is extremely cuddly and loves to just sit on your lap. So I had been looking around and Asher was going to the different shelters, and he found one he just fell in love with. A little black medium haired kitten that was 5 months old. We named her Daisy. She was following him around the shelter, giving him loves, and she is such a cuddle kitten. She loves just laying in your lap all day, and is so easy going.

The other cats are kind of upset, but they are starting to get used to it. They started out constantly hissing at her, and now they are sniffing at her, and playing around her.

I loves her.

Remember

May we always remember what happened on 9/11/01.

All about the alcohol

It's interesting to me just how important social drinking is in our society. I don't think we notice it that much until we have a big reason not to.

Bachelorette party? Drink!
Wedding? Drink!
Labor day? Drink!
4th of July? Drink!
Christmas! Egg nog, drink!

I'm sure I could go on and on. And it's not like I'm really complaining about it. I just find it interesting. I, of course, have to sit by the sidelines for it. You can't drink with the types of medications I'm on. It's dangerous. And add on my heart problems, drinking isn't good for POTS.

And it does feel like I'm a little left out. I'm in my mid-20's, and this is something I supposed to be experiencing during college. And then I got sick. What's funny is that I don't even really like the taste of alcohol. It's more that because it has been yanked from me, I feel a bit of a loss.

For those of you who can't drink either, I totally recommend Martinelli's sparkling cider. It tastes great, and it feels like you get to party with people without having to hurt your body. I am addicted to that stuff!

A little look inside the crack

Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped. Trapped in a body that is shutting itself down slowly. Trapped while the outside world takes its toll and I'm helpless to stop it. As pain patients, we're supposed to be brave, to take things as well as we can, and just try to enjoy life. And I do that, most of the time, but you can't always feel that way can you? You can't always keep a brave face on. There are times where all you can do is sit there and try not to cry.

And yes, I'm okay. I'm not having another breakdown, I'm just in pain and it's weighing down on me.

10 years

And now it officially is 10 years. And you know, I'm okay. I'm handling it well, and I am glad that I had 10 more years to be here. Yeah, those 10 years haven't been amazing, but there have been amazing moments, and amazing people. Had I died 10 years ago, I never would have finished high school, never would have gone to college, never would have met my fiance, would never get married, never have children, never have been able to save my cats.

To be fair, I also never would have gotten sick, never would have watched my relationship with my father deteriorate, never would have been disabled, never would have been cheated on, never would have been dumped because I was sick, and never would have had to deal with bad friends: lying to me, feeling like my feelings are a joke, treating me like I was their bitch, being used, and so on.

But in the end, the good far outweigh the bad.