Affairs of the heart

We're back from Utah. It was a good trip. We had fun.

I haven't updated partly because I'm kind of emotionally messed up right now. I keep thinking of all these things I need to say, but can't yet. I can't put it into words. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things without obsessing like I usually do, but it's hard. Especially when I have time on my own and I'm stuck in my own head.

That's one of the biggest things I know I need to work on, this obsessing. I let myself think things to death and then I just feel bad until I can find a way to release it. Sometimes I can do it by writing, other times it ends up in cutting. I'm not to that point right now, but the obsessing isn't a good thing.

I need to just try and focus on packing. That's my silver lining right now: moving to our own place. I just need to finish packing up the small things. You never realize how much crap you have until you have to pack it up.

So emotional

I hate these nights where it's like I can't escape from everything bad going on. All I can do is think about it over and over and over, and then the night ends with me sobbing on the phone with Ash.

I think the emotional part is harder to deal with than the physical. I can take a Tylenol when my legs are hurting, but a Tylenol won't do shit for depression and anxiety. And I don't know what else to do. The medicine helps but then I have these nights, and I wonder what the point is. Why do I keep doing this?

We're going to Utah on Friday and I have to say, it has me stressed. It's hard dealing with my father sometimes. There's a lot of emotional things going on, things I need to talk about, but my dad isn't the type of person to do that with. My mom isn't going to be right downstairs for me to go to.

I think the problem is that I'm such an emotional person, and my father is the exact opposite. It seems like he's able to let everything just brush off his shoulder and not affect him. Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe it's just what it looks like from the outside, but our differences create tension.

I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.

Whatever I caught, it was bad. I got really worried there for a couple of days that I was coming down with pneumonia. I didn't actually get to go and see my doctor. He was out of the office all week, but they had one of the other doctors look at a list of my symptoms and called something in for me. Still in hell, but it's getting better finally.

My mom is so cute. She got a facebook yesterday and was constantly calling me trying to figure things out on it.

I guess my uncle's house got broken into. This is the first time I'm glad grandma is gone because she would have been completely vulnerable. What if the guy tried to hurt her? It's a scary thought.

I can't wait to get our apartment. I'm so antsy to get moved in!

The difference between then and now

Asher and I went over how we want to layout the apartment as we get the furniture in there. We like to be thorough and have a game plan. And it occurred to me that this move is much different than the move I made when I moved in with Wylie. Back when I moved in with Wylie, I was absolutely terrified. I didn't want to leave my house. I didn't want to make this move.

But with Asher, I actually want to take this step. I'm excited about it. I can't wait to be able to go to the apartment and say "this is home." I'm ready for this. I'm ready to take this step. I'm ready for the rest of our lives.

Sick again!

I'm sick again. Caught something from my friend. What the hell? This sucks. My nose is congested, my throat hurts, my head hurts, I can't sing for crap which sucks because I have something I need to practice for Shellie's wedding. I wanted to sing something at the reception as a gift to them both. Obviously I'll be fine by the wedding, but in the meantime, this sucks.

My coven is trying to do some work to give back to the community. We're looking to help veterens, donate to the rape crisis center/women's shelter, and to possibly do one of the walks for the cure (breast cancer). I think it's a good undertaking. We're trying to help because it's something we enjoy doing. I think it's great. I'm really excited to help.

In happier news

Let me just comment first that it's not one thing that is making the stress worse. I've been stressing over multiple things lately. One of which just changed today. Asher and I got approved for an apartment, one in our price range, and it looks like we'll be moving in around the first of June. We're were stressed out trying to find a place in the small area of where we could look, and our price. But this place is right next to the highway, not far from my mom's house, a good route to his work, and very spacious for the price. I really liked it, and we got the call today telling us our applications were approved. :)

I haven't updated recently because there is something going on that is very personal. I know I said I wasn't going to censor myself, but it's more that I just don't want to talk about it, at least not right now. I think some of the stress is getting to me physically too, but I don't think this is one of those times when talking about it will help ease the problem.

YAY!

Asher moved in yesterday! Now we have 2 months here at my parent's while we save some money before we move out. If we don't choose to move out sooner, but we need that 2 months for wedding funds badly.

We've been looking at all sorts of apartments, and on Wednesday we're going a tour of one not too far from where we are now. It's a good compromise for both of us. I'm excited to see it. I'm excited to get our own place finally. I feels like I've been waiting years for this.

Graduation photos