I have been having a hard time writing much of anything lately. I don't have the energy or the want to. Everything is so high stress and messed up right now. I feel like it might be helpful to let people know that all of this emotional strain does happen when you are fighting a disability case. I think waiting is the worst part. You don't know when and you don't know what will happen, but you know it is coming.

I've unfortunately also been shown, once again, that some friends are not in it for the long haul no matter what they say to you. Be wary, because most will leave. And they don't really care about the damage they cause by doing it. Someone could tell you a million times they love you, but it doesn't make them mean it when you need it most. I will survive this somehow and I will remember.

As Will Smith wisely said: If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

Losing it

So I talked to my attorney today on the phone and apparently when I get married, there is a very real chance I will lose all of my disability benefits. And I am not dealing with this well at all. I feel like all of the fight is gone from me. I just want to give up completely.

Update

So, now to do an actual update. I think I've been avoiding it because I don't want to face it. The last couple of months have been hard. I've watched my health decline even more, to the point that dinners have been hard to deal with. That's supposed to be my territory, we agreed when we moved in together. And I have been dropping the ball so hard.

I'm just trying to focus ahead, deal with the wedding details, and try and tell myself it's going to be okay.

Lets talk issues

I'm not the type that usually gets into politics. I vote mostly in the bigger elections, and I stay away from the news channels/sites because it just makes me all so mad. But I am a democrat, and I do watch certain key things (like the health care bill).

But this election has made it impossible to stay out of it. The republican side has some very specific things they are trying to achieve even before the elections happen. So this election I've decided that rather than stay on the sidelines, I'm just going to say what I'm feeling and thinking.

1. If birth control were a male thing, and the men were the ones dealing with it, this would not even be an issue. As far as I'm concerned, men really have no say in what we do with our bodies. When they have gone through bleeding every month, when they have dealt with the cramps, the loss of iron, the emergency room for iron and dehydration, or bleeding non-stop for 6 weeks (or in my case, every other week), then they can have a say. Until then, shut the fuck up.

2. I support Planned Parenthood and everything they do. It is much more than just abortions. They deal with breast and uterus help (cancer screenings included), birth control, STDs, rape victims, sex education, miscarriages, and prenatal help.

And yes, I'm pro-choice.

3. We need to be finding better ways to be dealing with domestic violence, and one of those ways is NOT by making it harder for police to arrest the perpetrator. If they find a woman or man who has visible marks from being beaten, YES the perpetrator should be arrested, and NO it should not only be if the police see the beating happen. What the hell is wrong with you?

4. Yes, there needs to a separation of church and state. And no, you don't get to put your religious beliefs on your employees.

and finally....

5. Gay people are human beings. They deserve the same rights and every else.

Quote

"If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."
-Will Smith

Lots of work!

Okay, so I have all of the chapters figured out up until 2007. Still a lot of work to do. I'm going to get the outline done, and then write, and then figure out from there whether I need to cut down on chapters (which, based on how many I have so far, I will probably need to. That or I'll need to combine some of them. I don't know.... would you read a book that has around 40 chapters? lol)

I'm doing pretty well with it though. There is a lot I know is worth skipping because it's just silly filler stuff. And then I know certain chapters are definitely necessary. And daddy seems willing to help just by talking to me about all the things that have happened. It's nice to hear other perspectives. It makes it more rounded.

I'm also working on putting all the invitations together for the wedding so all I have to do when 2 months before hits is throw them in the mailbox.

Schizophrenia

So, in the process of working on my memoir, I'm having to go through written journals, posts made on websites, and online journals. I was, for the most part, okay going through the online journals and the written ones. It was when I got to going through some posts on an old website I frequented though that really blindsided me.

I don't want to go into severe detail right now, and I might not even go into full detail in the book either, but there was a time period where the doctors thought I was schizophrenic. I was seeing things, people, that weren't real. They finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't schizophrenia; it was a coping technique. I saw these people because I NEEDED them. I had nobody else I felt I could turn to, and they played that part. After I started on better antidepressant treatment, started talking to my mom, and made real, lasting friendships, I was able to let go of the delusions. And I haven't had them since then.

This is a big part of my recovery that I have hidden from people. I don't talk about it openly, I don't deal with it. I pretend it didn't happen. But it did. And with this memoir I have to face it.

Going through these posts on the website sent me into a huge anxiety attack. I had to take an Ativan to calm it down, but I'm still dealing with the side effects. Just talking about it is bringing up some of the feelings. So I'm going to end this entry now.

I wish I could escape from it.