Schizophrenia

So, in the process of working on my memoir, I'm having to go through written journals, posts made on websites, and online journals. I was, for the most part, okay going through the online journals and the written ones. It was when I got to going through some posts on an old website I frequented though that really blindsided me.

I don't want to go into severe detail right now, and I might not even go into full detail in the book either, but there was a time period where the doctors thought I was schizophrenic. I was seeing things, people, that weren't real. They finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't schizophrenia; it was a coping technique. I saw these people because I NEEDED them. I had nobody else I felt I could turn to, and they played that part. After I started on better antidepressant treatment, started talking to my mom, and made real, lasting friendships, I was able to let go of the delusions. And I haven't had them since then.

This is a big part of my recovery that I have hidden from people. I don't talk about it openly, I don't deal with it. I pretend it didn't happen. But it did. And with this memoir I have to face it.

Going through these posts on the website sent me into a huge anxiety attack. I had to take an Ativan to calm it down, but I'm still dealing with the side effects. Just talking about it is bringing up some of the feelings. So I'm going to end this entry now.

I wish I could escape from it.