This weight issue..

I think this is something a lot of pain patients deal with: unwanted weight gain.

I'm sure everyone knows already that I've had a significant amount of weight gain. It's because of my medications, and it sucks because that is one of the hardest to shed off because it's not necessarily you. It's the meds. I've been really upset about it too. I look down and I feel depressed about it. I see the stretch marks, the big belly hanging out, my large thighs, and it makes me so mad. I don't want to be like this. I was comfortable in the weight I was before. It was always between 120 and 140, but I could handle that. 170? I don't think I can handle that.

So, concentrated efforts to try and get it off. I want to start going to gym each day, even if that means walking out with Ash while he heads off to work and heading over to our apartment gym. I'm not thrilled with our apartment gym. The bike makes loud noises, I can't handle a step climber or tread mill (I'm in so much pain afterward) and I wouldn't even know how to use the bowflex. But at least it's something. And at least 2 to 3 times a week I need to go to the big gym. I need to start working on this. I can't just pretend it's not there. I want to look amazing for my wedding, and with that comes the weight loss (in my eyes).

I know I need to find a way to feel comfortable in myself no matter what, but I don't know that even a year is enough time to try and get me to that point. And getting into shape isn't a bad thing either. It's better for me. It helps my pain levels, which have been bad lately.

In good news, though, I finished my first commissioned work for someone. I actually created someone's wedding invitation! I felt so proud, and it made me feel so good. It was the first time in a long time I felt really truly necessary and important. I can definitely say my depression was significantly decreased because of it. That's a big deal. And it's proof that in order to be happy, I need to be doing something artistic. That's my calling in life.

I almost want to say "sorry dad" because I have a feeling my father will look down on my choice. Maybe I'm wrong. It just seems like even my dream to just write books was kind of eye rolled at in that house.

I don't even care. I love art, I love being artistic, this is what I am meant to do.