Coven

I feel very good about this coven. We left it off last night around 8, and I just felt so calm and happy. I think this is a very good step forward. And I really, truly believe this is a coven that will last for a long time.

Going to chapel...

So we're going to a bridal show today. I've never been to one before but I'm really excited.

Then afterward a group of us are going to talk about starting a new coven. It's been a while, but we have the toxic people out now. They can go and shoot up heroine without having to worry about us. No matter what we tried to do good, as long as those two were in the coven, we were doomed. But I feel really good about it now. We have the right type of people now.

Life after a root canal

It's nice to know there is at least one pain that can be taken care of. It feels so much better, and I'm so glad I went in for the emergency appointment. I can drink and eat without it hurting!

Root canal

So the tooth pain finally got to me and I went in for an emergency root canal. He said it was starting to abscess, and that's why it was hurting so much. So I had my first root canal, and I was freaking out. My whole body was shaking. Now I'm waiting for the numbness to go away so I can eat.

And I got the cats a new ball to play with. Bug loves it. I love watching him running around, throwing it to himself. It's so cute.

Balletone

Well, I went to the class and I couldn't even finish it. It was just too much to handle. Maybe the more I work on my strength in my legs, but better I'll do at it, but for now I need to step away from it. I think I'm going to try Zumba, see how that goes. I also want to try a class called Qi Gong. It says it's similar to Tai Chi, but works as a form of martial arts. So I'll see how difficult that ends up being.

I've decided I want to find a way to become certified as an ordained "minister". I don't know what to call myself for that since I'm Pagan. But it gives me the chance to help people by marrying them so small fees (I can do Pagan weddings), and I can do some counseling without worrying as much about getting the masters (thought it is my goal eventually).

I'm just not sure how to go about it.

Medco is a Med DON'T

One of the best things about having a blog like this is that I can warn people away from certain doctors, companies, or medicines that might be bad. And as I've said, I'm not censoring myself.

We used to have to use Medco through our insurance company for medicines. It's one of the places where you send in 3 month supply prescriptions and they mail the medicine to you. At the start of this year we were able to change over to using CVS 3 months instead and boy did we all jump at the chance.

I can't tell you how many times Medco screwed me over with my meds. The one thing that pissed me off most was that they never told me at all that Lyrica needed a new paper prescription every 6 months. Maybe I should have known that, but I was still pretty new at this. It wasn't until I went to get it refilled (in time to get it) that I found it gone from my list. Then they didn't get the three different faxes my doctor sent to them. I was freaking out. I couldn't get an appointment in time (the one bad thing about Cleveland Clinic is that it takes forever to get an appointment) and I didn't know what to do. It was finally CVS that saved me. They got the fax from my doctor and filled it for one month.

There are so many times they made me want to pull my hair out waiting for prescriptions I needed; and yes, I did do them in time.

And now it seems like they've messed up, or the doctors messed up, and my family owes them $300 for a prescription we didn't order and we didn't get. One that, according to Daddy, was supposed to be free (new year brought a $250 before we had to pay for any prescriptions).

That prescription place is ridiculous, and if you can manage to avoid them, do!

Ebay items for sale.

I have a wedding dress and a beautiful tiara up for auction on ebay right now.

If you guys know of people looking for a dress or tiara, please send them to the link.

Old friends

I'll admit, I am really bad at emailing people, so I haven't stayed in touch with some friends that I have wanted to. But I really got to thinking about old friends because I'm getting my Save the Dates ready and I remembered my best friend from high school.

Tried her cell phone. Disconnected.
Sent an email.
Tried her home phone. Disconnected.
Started to freak.
Didn't hear from her for over a week.

I thought for sure I had lost her for good. But then today I got an email reply from her going "holy shit girl!" We exchanged numbers and spent a good hour or 2 sending texts. I am beyond ecstatic right now! It was hard thinking that I might never see her again, and then so great to know that's not the case.

Now if I could just find my best friend from California. Then I'd be in friend heaven.

School woes

You know, sometimes I'm okay with not being in school, and then other days I'm really, really not okay with it. I look at the things I wanted to do, and I have things I still want to do, but it doesn't mean I don't want the original dreams too.

I wanted my degree in psychology. I wanted to help people. And now I see more than ever that people need help, people who aren't necessarily getting it. And I wonder if I could help them. But without a degree, it means nothing. I'm useless without it.

Ballet toning

I joined the gym at the Wellness Center today. They're more than just a gym because they are associated with Akron General, so they do a lot of health things too. They want to watch your health, see what problems you have, see what you need to be working on and help you do what needs to be done to better your body.

They have a class called Balletone every Tuesday and Thursday, so it looks like I can continue the ballet training without being in school. I'm really excited about this.

They also have a water aerobics class specifically for people with arthritis and fibro. I'm anxious to start working out.

Tomorrow we go for a tasting at the place we might possible have the wedding receptions. Here's the hoping the food is good. I want to be done with searching for venues.

Wow

I'm honestly not even sure what to write. It's hard to leave me completely speechless. I thought for sure my dad wasn't watching this blog at all, but I guess he was and he called today. So I can now say he knows for sure that I am not in school anymore, and I was very wrong in what his reaction was going to be. I am pleasantly surprised (as pleasant as it can be for the subject matter).

I think it is a long road still, and there are sure to be a lot of curves and road bumps. But I think him seeing this was definitely the right direction.

Daddy issues

I noticed that my talk about my father brought a lot of people out of the wood works. I guess it makes sense, since most people with chronic pain usually has some issues in their past. Our mental state is very connected to our physical health.

My brother has graciously volunteered to help me talk to my father about these issues. My brother is an amazing man. He has always been there for me when I needed him (other than when we were kids, but that falls under different circumstances. When he moved away, I thought he had abandoned me). Sometimes I can't believe how much he has been stepping up to the plate for me lately. It's nice to know my brother loves me.

And see, that's what I need. I need to know that people love me. I need to know they care. And my father isn't very good at that. I'm the type of person that needs it laid out for me so I can see it, feel it, but he doesn't work that way.

It's a difficult circumstance. It's interesting though to see how many people are rooting for me to try and to just let myself feel at peace with it. It's nice to see.

Health care is a right

As I've said, I'm not a political person. I don't like politics. It's not that I don't understand it because I do. It's that I don't like how it works, and how frustrating it is. I get so mad watching the news. So I stay out of politics unless it's big elections, like the presidential one. But there are some issues which I take very seriously, and it bothers me when I see people being ignorant.

Do you know who gets hurt if health care is repealed? We do. The sick do. I've noticed that of my friends, it's the healthy that are complaining, and that's all well and good for you, but what about those of us who need this in place so badly? Do you have to worry about keeping a full time schedule in school when you can't handle it because you'll lose your health care? Do you have to worry about being denied coverage because you're sick?

If you answered yes, I'll bet you aren't against this bill.

Did coverage costs go up? Yes, they did. Did the health care bill do that? I don't think so. You know who is at fault for that? The insurance companies. Because they are assholes. And I think it's pretty shitty of them. You know what we did about it? We changed who covered us. Found someone who covered mom the same as the other for a lower price and we found something. I know it's not that easy for others, but is that a reason to punish us?

Health care is a right, not a privilege.

Dcotor visits

I have to go back to see the pain doctor on the 3rd. I'll see the physical therapist first, then it'll be a 2 hour appointment to go over the disability paperwork.

And apparently I have a very slight case of scoliosis. She asked me if I have always stood the way I do (posture). I said yes, and then she said there was a slight curve that normally shouldn't be there. It's not a huge deal, but it does affect the back a tiny bit. It explains why I have had so much trouble putting myself into the correct standing position. They tried and tried to get me to do it, and I just couldn't seem to get my hips in the right place.

She wants me to try acupuncture. Have any of you guys tried it? I'll be honest, it scares the crap out of me!

She asked me if I could get rid of just one pain, what would it be? Good question! It's hard to chose just one. But I finally decided the back has been the worst. If I could get rid of that pain, I'd be so happy. We'll see what happens.

There are things to be happy about

I see one of the pain doctors tomorrow to do a full exam on me and to write out disability paperwork. Sounds awesome, huh?

That's not what the title is about though. I told you all about the IBS pain the other night but I didn't tell you about what a sweetheart my cat Rhapsody is. I was lying on the bathroom floor in pain, trying to decide what to do, when Rhapsody came bounding in to the bathroom. She looked at me for a moment and then rubbed her head against my butt.

It never ceases to amaze me when the cats try and help me. They can't do anything; how could they when the doctors can't? But they will damn well try! They will do anything they can to make me feel better. Rhapsody especially. It makes me feel so happy and lucky to have them.

Letter to my Father

Someone said I should write a letter to my father detailing my side, how I was hurt, and saying sorry for not being what he wanted and then forgiving him. I have written letters like that. I've never sent them. But I do write them. It gets a lot of anger out when it's building up.

It's hard to forgive someone when they have never asked for forgiveness. Maybe one day I can do it. My Uncle Kurt was hoping that my grandma's death would be the beginning of fixing our relationship, but he also admitted that it has to be a 2 way street for it to work, and I don't think it will be.

I would love a real, loving relationship with my father. But he doesn't love the way I do. I love the way my mom does, and my father thinks that's disgusting and way too dependent on the other person. I don't agree.

Honestly, I don't think my father really cares if our relationship is practically nonexistent. In fact, he probably prefers it this way. It's sad but... what can I do?

IBS horror

I had the worst IBS pain last night. I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. I knew I hadn't pushed everything out but didn't think it would be such a big deal. Oh god was I wrong. I came back to the bed and the pain just overtook me so quickly. I tried lying down and I just cried out in pain. Every movement made it worse, but not moving was hard because it still hurt so badly. I went back into the bathroom and tried again, but this time I was having trouble. Eventually I laid down on the floor half naked hoping that would help. It did a little bit, enough to give me the chance to get back on the toilet and tried again. I was in there for 10 minutes before the pain finally started to subside.

I was crying out the entire time. It has never been that bad before. And all I could think of while I lie on the floor was that I wish I had a service dog to make it go and get my purse to see if the Imodium would help. But I was on my own.

Annoyances with writing

Why is it when you want to go and write something, it never comes out as good as it did in your head? I had this opening monologue by one of my characters thought out and I thought it sounded great, and then I went to write it down and it just didn't come out as smoothly. If only my writing could go straight to paper when I think. It would be a lot easier.

This antsiness is killing me

Nothing major to update on. I've been doing a lot of wedding stuff. I'll be sure to do an update on that soon. I'm in the process of trying out ebay to raise some money. I have a bunch of books for sale, and then I'm selling the wedding dress from my ex who dumped me 2 months before the wedding because I was sick. I feel ready to let the wedding dress and the tiara go. It's time to sell them. And I feel really good about it. Now if it would just sell!

The antsy feeling the Abilify goes between being okay to deal with to "oh my god, this fucking sucks!!!" I sat in the movie theatre earlier with my foot jumping up down up down up down.

I'm just worried about money right now. I'm trying to find everything I can possible sell that people would want to buy. It's hard to sell on ebay when you have no reviews though. They don't know whether they can trust me, and I can understand their hesitance. I would never want to screw anyone over though.

I just hope it all sells.

I can't even walk

I can barely walk. The pain in my legs is that bad. And I didn't even do anything recently to make it like this. The only thing I can think of is that the snow has made it really, really cold so maybe that's what's causing my legs to be like this. But it's hell. My room is at the top of the stairs, and I can barely take them. Even walking to the bathroom is hard! This is ridiculous!

First day of classes

It's a strange feeling to know that classes started today and to know that I am no longer a student. Part of me is extremely relieved, and part of me feels like I've failed. I had so many things I was going to do, so many things I wanted to accomplish with my degree. I wanted to help people, I wanted to catch criminals, I wanted to do good.

There are still people I haven't told about it because I don't know how they'll react. My father doesn't know yet. I mean, as I said before, it's not like he can have much say since he didn't really help pay for it. If I remember right, he paid for one semester and then we had our falling out and he hasn't helped with it since then. The people that have paid for it (Mom and Daddy, or my step dad. I'll be calling him Daddy from here on out. Just know there is a difference between Daddy and my father), they're okay with it. I think Daddy is a little disappointed but he knows this is what I need right now.

It's hard sometimes. You have so many expectations of your life, and then you get hit with illness and everything changes before you know what happened.

See me begging

Asher has to pay off his car loan and pay his bill for work on his car when it just about died before he can start saving up for the wedding. I want to get started on things. Yes, it's soon, but it's so much to do, and I need to start as early as possible. I need to feel like I'm doing something for it.

I have no money, and my parents are in serious debt right now.

Please, anything will help.

What is this depression you speak of?

I think more than anything, something that really bothers me is how little understanding our society has of depressive and anxiety disorders. We don't just have to battle with doctors and insurance companies about what is going on in our head and what medicines we should be taking, but we have to battle friends and family just to make them realize that this silly depression thing is actually a real problem!

Have you ever felt like everything was crashing down around you? Have you ever really, truly thought that the world would be better off without you? Have you ever planned exactly how you would kill yourself? Have you ever been so afraid of a situation (like a social situation in my case) that you are literally frozen in one place?

I have, and it's not fake. It's real, and it's a real problem. And other people have that too.

Did you know there are people out there who can't work due to their depression and anxiety? Did you know there are people who can't drive because of the panic attacks they'll have? It's a very serious problem, and our society treats it as a joke. Our society treats it as the little black sheep that no one wants to talk about or really look at closely.

If we keep ignoring problems like this, more and more people are going to die by their own hand, and I think that coats our hands in blood too, because we did nothing to stop it.

A time to mourn

I'm not a political person. I try to stay away from politics until it's time for voting. But we cannot as a nation ignore the tragedy that has occurred in Arizona this weekend. Eight people lost their lives, including that of a young nine year old girl. We worry so much about terrorists over the seas when we have terrorists in our own homes. This is a time to not only mourn what has occurred but to worry about what direction we are going in.

How I miss you kissing me goodnight

This is one of those days that I really miss my Grandma. I can't even begin to explain what an amazing person she was. She was a caretaker. She took care of everyone. She became the mom when her mom died when she was 17, she took care of her sister when she was dying and then took care of her children, and she took care of me when everything in Utah was going wrong. She was my protector and guardian, and she was a mom to me.

Her dying in November has shaken me so badly. I sleep every night with a blanket made out of her clothes on my pillow. I can't bring myself to put it away for safe keeping. I need her close to me.

Sometimes I wonder if she's looking down from where she is and is disappointed in where I am in life. I wonder if she sees that I've quit school and wonders how she was ever proud of me. I just want her to be proud of me.

Oh this pain

Days like these are when I really wish I wasn't a pain patient. I am in so much pain it's not even funny. I managed to finished a good portion of the Save the Dates but I am dying after it.

Poetry: O Kitten, my Kitten!

First poem in over 2 years. Inspired by Walt Whitman's "O Captain, my Captain!"

O Kitten! My Kitten! Your playtime is now done,

The mouse is weathered at the back, and you have won.

The cat tree near, the catnip here, ready for a rolling,

While follow eyes as you walk away, the cat tree calling;

But O purr! purr! purr!

O the golden eyes now shut tight,

Where upon the cat tree my Kitten lies,

Snoozing and purring so soft.

O Kitten! My Kitten! Sleep and purr away;

Sleep – for you are tired from all the play,

For you the cloth mice and cat nip balls for you the floor a-crowding,

For you they call, the cat nip working, the toys eagerly waiting;

Here Kitten! dear little girl!

This hand scratching your head!

It is some dream on that cat tree,

You’re snoozing and purring so soft.

My Kitten does not turn, her eyes are closed so tight;

My little girl feels my hand, mewing softly without a fight;

The toys lay safe and sound, their use now for the day done;

From fitful play the victor comes in with sleep time won;

Exult O mice and ring O balls!

But I, dead from cute,

Walk near where my Kitten lies,

Snoozing and purring so soft.

Medicine: Abilify

You know, I really wasn't sure if this was going to be a good addition. They added it because I've been in counseling and seeing a psychiatrist for over 10 years now, and it just seems like we get to a certain point and then I sway on the edge. I've been pleasantly surprised.

I have more energy, I'm doing more things for myself. I'm painting, writing, reading, and so on. I feel so much more productive, despite everything else going on.

The only bad thing is the restlessness. And I definitely can't take it in the evening because it's making my insomnia worse. But I'm willing to work around it if I can keep going at this momentum. I haven't written a poem in 2 years, and I finally did yesterday. This is a good sign.

Doctor review: Mark Pellegrino

I think a big part of the pain community is sharing in the doctors we find that are amazing... and sharing the ones who aren't so amazing. We have to look out for each other because some of these doctors don't have the right intentions, or the heart that is needed for something as difficult as chronic pain.

Mark Pellegrino, who practices in Canton, Ohio, is supposed to be one of the leading physicians in Fibromyalgia. I was sent to him after my diagnosis because of how good he was.

And he was really good... in the beginning. But the longer I didn't get better, the worse he got. He would get annoyed with me; trying to make it out like I wasn't doing enough to make myself better. In fact, in our last appointment, he told me I was refusing to get better because I wanted money for disability.

1. It's not that much money. Certainly not enough for this type of headache.
2. I WANT to be better. I don't want to feel like this.

He's refused, so far, to send me my medical records. When I asked for them, he just sent his notes which read as very passive-aggressive against me the more time that went on. They told me today that they would send all the files. I've been trying to get them for over a year. They won't send my medical notes, the results of the tests he ran, or anything else. We'll see if they send it now.

I can't begin to describe to you how it feels to be told you are refusing to get better. I felt cold, numb. My whole body seemed to tingle with pain. No one should be told that.

I can't recommend this doctor. If you are the type that will get better on small treatments, then by all means, see him. But if you might be one of the many who doesn't get better so easily, or at all, stay away from him.

The road to disability

About 3 years ago, I started on the journey of trying to get disability for my fibromyalgia, heart condition (POTS), and anxiety. Mom wasn't sure about doing it until we got the diagnosis from Dr. Jaeger about the heart. Then she decided it was time to try for disability. We spent weeks getting all of the paperwork done to send out.
I was sitting in my bed that I shared with my then fiance and filling out a questionnaire when I made a small comment about how he could handle living with someone like me. And that got me dumped. I was dumped because I was sick and he couldn't handle it anymore.

In February, everything comes to the final decision from the judge.

I'm taking in a bunch of paperwork to have the doctors fill out tomorrow. Thanks to Asher, we now have the money to pay for the multiple disability paperwork. It costs around $350 for 1 doctor from Cleveland Clinic. We have 2 (though now it's looking like 3) from there. I'm hoping we can do everything in time and get it to the judge before I go in to talk to them.

I need this. I can't work, and no one would hire me. The pain is too bad, my legs are too weak, my migraines are too unpredictable. And the heart is just as unpredictable and challenging.

I have more to say, more to say to prepare others for the horrible experience. But I'm on my Ambien and getting a little loopy.

I don't know what I'll do if I don't get that disability.

Wedding ring

I got my wedding ring in the mail!!! Now I just need to get it resized.