Annoyances with writing

Why is it when you want to go and write something, it never comes out as good as it did in your head? I had this opening monologue by one of my characters thought out and I thought it sounded great, and then I went to write it down and it just didn't come out as smoothly. If only my writing could go straight to paper when I think. It would be a lot easier.

This antsiness is killing me

Nothing major to update on. I've been doing a lot of wedding stuff. I'll be sure to do an update on that soon. I'm in the process of trying out ebay to raise some money. I have a bunch of books for sale, and then I'm selling the wedding dress from my ex who dumped me 2 months before the wedding because I was sick. I feel ready to let the wedding dress and the tiara go. It's time to sell them. And I feel really good about it. Now if it would just sell!

The antsy feeling the Abilify goes between being okay to deal with to "oh my god, this fucking sucks!!!" I sat in the movie theatre earlier with my foot jumping up down up down up down.

I'm just worried about money right now. I'm trying to find everything I can possible sell that people would want to buy. It's hard to sell on ebay when you have no reviews though. They don't know whether they can trust me, and I can understand their hesitance. I would never want to screw anyone over though.

I just hope it all sells.

I can't even walk

I can barely walk. The pain in my legs is that bad. And I didn't even do anything recently to make it like this. The only thing I can think of is that the snow has made it really, really cold so maybe that's what's causing my legs to be like this. But it's hell. My room is at the top of the stairs, and I can barely take them. Even walking to the bathroom is hard! This is ridiculous!

First day of classes

It's a strange feeling to know that classes started today and to know that I am no longer a student. Part of me is extremely relieved, and part of me feels like I've failed. I had so many things I was going to do, so many things I wanted to accomplish with my degree. I wanted to help people, I wanted to catch criminals, I wanted to do good.

There are still people I haven't told about it because I don't know how they'll react. My father doesn't know yet. I mean, as I said before, it's not like he can have much say since he didn't really help pay for it. If I remember right, he paid for one semester and then we had our falling out and he hasn't helped with it since then. The people that have paid for it (Mom and Daddy, or my step dad. I'll be calling him Daddy from here on out. Just know there is a difference between Daddy and my father), they're okay with it. I think Daddy is a little disappointed but he knows this is what I need right now.

It's hard sometimes. You have so many expectations of your life, and then you get hit with illness and everything changes before you know what happened.

See me begging

Asher has to pay off his car loan and pay his bill for work on his car when it just about died before he can start saving up for the wedding. I want to get started on things. Yes, it's soon, but it's so much to do, and I need to start as early as possible. I need to feel like I'm doing something for it.

I have no money, and my parents are in serious debt right now.

Please, anything will help.

What is this depression you speak of?

I think more than anything, something that really bothers me is how little understanding our society has of depressive and anxiety disorders. We don't just have to battle with doctors and insurance companies about what is going on in our head and what medicines we should be taking, but we have to battle friends and family just to make them realize that this silly depression thing is actually a real problem!

Have you ever felt like everything was crashing down around you? Have you ever really, truly thought that the world would be better off without you? Have you ever planned exactly how you would kill yourself? Have you ever been so afraid of a situation (like a social situation in my case) that you are literally frozen in one place?

I have, and it's not fake. It's real, and it's a real problem. And other people have that too.

Did you know there are people out there who can't work due to their depression and anxiety? Did you know there are people who can't drive because of the panic attacks they'll have? It's a very serious problem, and our society treats it as a joke. Our society treats it as the little black sheep that no one wants to talk about or really look at closely.

If we keep ignoring problems like this, more and more people are going to die by their own hand, and I think that coats our hands in blood too, because we did nothing to stop it.

A time to mourn

I'm not a political person. I try to stay away from politics until it's time for voting. But we cannot as a nation ignore the tragedy that has occurred in Arizona this weekend. Eight people lost their lives, including that of a young nine year old girl. We worry so much about terrorists over the seas when we have terrorists in our own homes. This is a time to not only mourn what has occurred but to worry about what direction we are going in.