The time for silence?

I've thought long and hard, and I think I'm just going to say outright what has been bothering me.

When I lived in Utah, there was a lot of things going on that should have been reported to child services. There was a lot of abuse, a lot of things to deal with, and I became suicidal at one point because of it. I truly think the worst abuse, though, was the sexual abuse.

In the end I had 2 different people doing it to me. A boy across the street, and a girl down the street who lived in my friends' old house. Annie would use a lot of manipulation to get me to go what she wanted. She would take me down into the basement, and want to kiss, wanted me to use my hands to touch her, she touched me. The only thing I had to use against her was I would threaten to leave. That saved me a few times, until I finally said, firmly, NO MORE.

That's when she started attacking me in any way she could. She told my father I buried her dog. Only me. It was actually her that wanted to do it. And I will admit my part in it. I didn't realize the dog could be hurt. It never occurred to me. And I was the one who dug the dog back up. She also told him I purposely ran over her dog with my bike (which wasn't what happened. We were riding our bikes and the dog ran underneath it. You know how dogs and cats sometimes run underneath your feet? It was like that. And I was horrified and immediately jumped off my bike to make sure it was okay).

Devon on the other hand had a lot more control over me. He didn't care if I threatened to leave. It didn't really matter to him. He forced me to french kiss him (and because of that I freak out if tongue is used at all near my mouth), he would grab my hand and force it down his pants.

Why am I telling you all these details, you ask? Because I feel like if I don't you won't believe me.

I got this flash a couple nights ago that I finally had this long talk with my father that needs to take place if we want to fix our relationship, and in it, he told me he didn't believe me about Devon. He never had. And he never will.

I had actually gotten into trouble when the whole Devon thing came out. So I never bothered to tell him about Annie. Because he didn't believe me then, why would he believe me now? But I've come to realize.... if he doesn't believe me, then I CAN'T have a relationship with him. I can't let someone into my world if they don't believe something that has scarred me so badly.

Asher could tell you how many times I've freaked out on him, how many times I've gotten upset when he's done something even slightly similar to how Devon did (not forcing me, but things like taking my hand and leading my sexually, or trying to use tongue in kissing). But would that even matter to my father?

Why am I still this little girl that is so yearning of his acceptance and so afraid of his rejection? I don't want to be like this! I don't want to lay there on the couch crying for hours because I realize he doesn't believe me and probably never will.

I want to just not care.