School and chronic pain

All of my illnesses make school really hard. It's bad enough that I stress out normally due to school, but add on that I miss a lot because of migraines that make me unable to drive (I commute 30 minutes) and pain in my legs that make me unable to walk. Or I'm so nauseous that moving is a bad idea or I might throw up. I also catch colds pretty easily and it almost always turns into a sinus infection.

And now add on that we can't afford it and my grants just don't give me enough, and mom doesn't want to do anymore student loans (I have so many).

And all of this is just one reason I'm so glad we're getting the new health care. Now I can take some time off (though I'm pretty I won't go back) without fear of losing my health insurance. I need to concentrate on trying to get better, and getting my disability which I have a hearing for in February.

Eventually I'll look into online schools. But doing it right now just isn't a good idea. All the stress of school is making me worse and we need to bring my stress levels down as soon as possible. It's dangerous territory because I get stressed out and not only does it make me sicker, it makes me suicidal.

So I quit school.

And I have to tell you guys, it makes me feel like a failure. I always expected to get my degree in psychology and go on to get my masters and then become a counselor. And then I was thinking of changing over to English with a writing minor. It's the language that has me screwed. My brain just can't retain it.

I wanted to quit. I wanted to just work on my books. So I'm happy, but I'm also sad, and kind of mad. And I know when my father finds out, he's going to be mad. Though he really doesn't have much say since he didn't really pay for college (he helped with the first 2 semesters). I feel like the little girl that was always afraid of him again because I can't bring myself to call him. I'm afraid of what will happen.

I just need to focus on me and my writing right now. That's what's important.