Suicide is Expensive

So, I thought I would share how much my Emergency Room/ICU/IV Fluids/Labs all together cost $41,543.50.

This doesn't even include the psych ward stay. That was somewhere from $8-$15k.

And for the first time since I got this insurance: it's not on us to pay any of it.

Thank the gods.

After The Attempt (A story of a suicide attempt)

Don't Order the Headstone Yet

I'm sure most people didn't really notice, but a few did: I was offline from Friday evening to Tuesday afternoon. It wasn't because I wanted time away from the internet or because I went on a nice vacation.

Friday night I took 50 Tylenol PM in a suicide attempt.

I am extremely lucky to be alive. We got the ambulance there not long after I did it, and they gave me charcoal to drink. I was in the ICU for about 3 days with IVs and a catheter in. Then I was moved over to the psych ward on Monday and was there until Wednesday (so ~3 days in the ICU, and 3 in the Psych ward.)

I am going to be making a video to answer any questions people may have. I thought that would be better than just typing it up.

So, please put your questions here, or on Facebook or Google+ and I will be making that soon.

I am thankful to still be alive.

A Triumph, A Day

Tomorrow is the very first Day of Affirmation. I've been working for weeks and weeks to get this all together, to make this a success. A lot of typing, a lot of printing, a lot of research and legwork, and here it is tomorrow. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings: anxiety that I'll fail, excited to see what happens, stressed trying to make sure everything is together, and even a little sad that in less than 24 hours it will done and over with.

I did this.

I did it.

Just when you don't expect it, you get hit!

So, Ellie's car needs a whole new engine, which is money we don't have. So I'm doing one of the only things I can think of to do right now. Please go and check it out! We're offering things for high donations!




She's my roommate and best friend, and needs a way to get to work!

http://www.gofundme.com/2sxbd4

Who failed who?

I've been procrastinating posting because my mind has been all over the place when it comes to my emotions and what I think about what is going on in my life right now. What I should do is just call my counselor and be like "Fuck the insurance, let's just make an appointment and continue with therapy. They'll figure it out eventually and I can fight them if they try to be asses."

My uncle had surgery for cancer yesterday. I was a an emotional mess most of the day worrying about what happened, but he's doing fine and is finally home and resting.

And my father has cancer, and this brings up a lot of conflicting emotions. We aren't speaking right now because I decided that I can't handle it anymore. My depression and anxiety have been getting steadily worse over the last couple of years and I was finally at my breaking point, and the wedding tipped it over into the realm of "I can't have you in my life."

So now in finding this out, I went to my brother to get more information so I could decide how to handle it, an in the end I decided not to say anything.

He's having surgery on June 27th.

And now here comes the mixed emotions. I don't feel ready to talk to him. My insurance company halted my damn therapy, and I feel like I'm more of a mess than I was, though hiding it much better. But I must be an absolutely horrible daughter for not saying anything.

I know my dad doesn't really like me (or I guess that's my perception since my mom would tell me that's not true. I don't believe her though) but this might well push that dislike into just all around never wants to speak to me again. And I don't know how I feel about that. Hurt? Guilty? Relieved? I mean, I guess now there would be no guessing on my side.

I think I'm beginning to ramble, so I'm just going to stop now and go and work on something else. Distraction is a good tool.

I thought we were done with this

I went to the doctor's yesterday in hopes of getting some sort of answer as to why this new kind of sickness is happening. I figured he wouldn't have any immediate answers. And sure enough, he kind of looked at me after I explained everything that has happened the last month and said 2 things:

1. That I need to get in to see my gynecologist (which I knew already).

2. He really wasn't sure what was going on. We just have to test and see what happens!

And I knew it was coming! But still, I'm sitting there like "and here I thought we were done with mystery illnesses!"

I guess not.

So here's the plan: He tests me for Celiac again (while also testing to see if something could have caused a false negative about 5 years ago), and I have to take a pill that reduces the acid in the stomach in hopes of calming down the nausea that way. And get an appointment with my OB/GYN.

And so we come to the difficult part: Do I go to the doctor I've been seeing, who so far, I feel, has steered me down the wrong direction with a lot of things (the IUD was a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life), or do I go back to the doctor who didn't know how to help me with my vaginal pain and have him help me?

I don't know what I should do with that...