Who failed who?

I've been procrastinating posting because my mind has been all over the place when it comes to my emotions and what I think about what is going on in my life right now. What I should do is just call my counselor and be like "Fuck the insurance, let's just make an appointment and continue with therapy. They'll figure it out eventually and I can fight them if they try to be asses."

My uncle had surgery for cancer yesterday. I was a an emotional mess most of the day worrying about what happened, but he's doing fine and is finally home and resting.

And my father has cancer, and this brings up a lot of conflicting emotions. We aren't speaking right now because I decided that I can't handle it anymore. My depression and anxiety have been getting steadily worse over the last couple of years and I was finally at my breaking point, and the wedding tipped it over into the realm of "I can't have you in my life."

So now in finding this out, I went to my brother to get more information so I could decide how to handle it, an in the end I decided not to say anything.

He's having surgery on June 27th.

And now here comes the mixed emotions. I don't feel ready to talk to him. My insurance company halted my damn therapy, and I feel like I'm more of a mess than I was, though hiding it much better. But I must be an absolutely horrible daughter for not saying anything.

I know my dad doesn't really like me (or I guess that's my perception since my mom would tell me that's not true. I don't believe her though) but this might well push that dislike into just all around never wants to speak to me again. And I don't know how I feel about that. Hurt? Guilty? Relieved? I mean, I guess now there would be no guessing on my side.

I think I'm beginning to ramble, so I'm just going to stop now and go and work on something else. Distraction is a good tool.