10 years ago....

This actually is still a week away, but it's been weighing on my mind, so I thought I'd discuss it. 10 years ago marks a time that was very hard for me. I had only been in Ohio for a semester, I was a new freshman in high school, and to top it all off, I really hard to start dealing with the full effects of my PTSD. I hadn't been seeing counselors for very long, and I had finally agreed to going on a medication.

Now, let me say that I do think Prozac is an effective tool. I know because it was for me, but not until it was used right. This psychiatrist put a severely depressed, suicidal girl on a medication and then decided it was fine that I not be seen regularly. I didn't think anything about it at the time. I didn't understand how dangerous that was.

Until 10 years ago.

It was Friday right before Labor day weekend, and I was having a lot of problems. Top it all off with the fact that I got into a huge fight with my friend and it set me off. I went into mom's room while she was at the store, took half of her Tylenol bottle (extra strength) and downed them. I would have taken all of them, but I wanted to leave some for my mom, who has MS and deals with a lot of pains.

I would have succeeded too had I not posted my suicide not online. I forgot that there was one person who had a phone number to someone other than me, and luckily she took what a 14 year old was saying seriously.

I remember when we were in the emergency room and I could feel all of my muscles tensing. It was like being pinched really hard right on the muscles.

I was dying.

Every single year since then, when Labor day rolls around, it's hard not to think about it. The doctors told my parents that had they been just a few minutes later, there wouldn't have been anything they could do to help me.

I would hope that if you are ever faced with someone saying they have taken something, or are going to take something, that you take it seriously. It could mean the difference between life and death.

Yay for the grad!

So today is finally the day of Asher's graduation party. With the wedding events, we couldn't do it until now. His mom was not invited, but Aunt Dolly was. Not sure if she'll go though. I know she doesn't like me anymore because Sharon doesn't like me, and those 2 are like little peas in a pod. Whatever.

We're going to have brauts, au gratin potatoes, baked beans, cake, and oatmeal scotchie cookies! Lots of good food. I still need to ice the cake though. It's not going to look as nice as the ones from the grocery store or anything, but it will taste good and it's from the heart.

Here's to everything going well!

Live to dance

So, I went to one of my specialists today. One of the ones dealing with my POTS. So we've upped my fludrocortisone, which is a steroid meant to hold sodium in my system. We're adding on a salt tablet. And he wants me to work on an aerobic exercise system.

I guess there have been studies in people with POTS that they can strengthen the heart with aerobic exercise. Normally people with POTS have smaller hearts, less able to handle stress and exercise. But with aerobic exercise, they can enlarge the heart and get stronger. Which makes sense.

I have a couple of dance workout videos I want to try out. See if that can get my heart going. I'll obviously listen to my body if it tells me to stop. But it's something.

Etsy goodness

I've been adding things to my my etsy shop and wanted to share. :)

Wedding!

The wedding went really well. It was beautiful, she was beautiful, and now they are married!

And now I'm really back into my wedding planning. I want to get stuff done early so I don't have to scramble by the end of it. I'm still waiting to hear back from the corset place though. If they don't get back to me, I'm going to have to find someone else to do it, which sucks... I want to make sure it is really good quality.

I found out the most horrible thing about my future mother in law.... and oh god, I'm disgusted. I'm not going to go into details, but I will say if I have children, she is not allowed to be near them at all. EVER.

Freaking out a little bit

So today is my friend's rehearsal dinner for her wedding. She's marrying my fiance's brother, which is great because I love them both and am so happy for them. The problem I have? It means I have to see my soon to be mother in law....

You know, after everything that has happened, I am scared to death to see her. I broke down crying the other morning because I knew I had to see her. Ash is trying to tell me I have nothing to be afraid of, and maybe I don't, but that doesn't mean it changes my feelings. I don't want to see her. Ever. She has done so many horrible and hurtful things and I just can't handle it.

Of course, I will do this for Shellie and Aaron. Plain and simple. I am excited for the wedding. But it will be really hard all the same.