2010 in review

So tonight 2010 flies away and 2011 comes to take it's place, so I thought I would review what 2010 was like for me.

January: Dr. Pellegrino dropped me as a patient because I wasn't getting better fast enough to his liking and I would hurt his numbers. He told me all I wanted was the money from the disability. He still hasn't given me my medical charts.

February: Had to wear a heart (halter) monitor for the first time. Found out I was allergic to the glue in the electrodes. They found cancer in Asher's grandma's intestines.

March: Went off all of my medications for a test on whether my antibodies were attacking my muscles. Found no evidence of such. Had the exam to see whether I would be put in a chronic pain program at Cleveland Clinic. The Doctor decided that yes, I definitely needed it. My friend (though we hadn't spoken for some time after a fight) died.

April: Saw Avenue Q in person! Dropped my ASL class too late, and the registrar hated me. I lost my appeal to them and failed the class. Asher's grandma passed away. :(

May: I decided to learn how to knit, which I still don't actually know how to do yet.

June: I went in to the Chronic Pain Rehabilitation Program (at Cleveland Clinic). Was put back on Seroquel, but this for sleep. Stop using Afrin. Asher proposed to me!!!!

July: Cut my hair after YEARS of it being long! 10 inches off! We began splitting up Asher's grandma's things. We'll have a lot of furniture from her when we get our own place.

August: They found protein in my urine and set me up with a kidney specialist (nephrologist).

September: Saw the nephrologist for the first time. The vampires took my blood for tests. Also got a ultasound of the kidneys done. Started taking ballet for physical therapy reasons. Had some bad reactions/side effects from the Seroquel.

October: Had our engagement party!

November: My grandma Dot, who was like a mom to me, died. I had to travel out to Utah for the funeral. My uncle Kurt told me he hoped that her dying would be something that would finally bring my father and I together. Pain was at near hospital levels during this time. Stopped taking the Seroquel because I couldn't handle the severe side effects.

December: Turned 24. Quit school after a semester of mostly A's and 1 B. Started taking small doses of Abilify. I've been much more productive since then: writing, painting, drawing, working on our Save the Dates. Brought my wedding ring, and got a new camera.

And started this wonderful blog which I hope helps others while helping me.

Over all, there was a lot of bad and a lot of good. I'm hoping 2011 proves to be better, though.

Happy new year guys. Hope it brings nothing but happiness.

Handicap heart

This blog is handicapped friendly.

It's like someone is stabbing my brain

These migraines are driving me crazy. Ever since my period started, it's just been migraine after migraine after migraine. Sometimes the medicine works, sometimes it doesn't. And it's changed so now I have to make sure I eat when I take the pills or else all they do is make the migraine worse.

I see my neurologist on Monday, so I'm going to tell him about that. The problem is that I don't have normal migraines. I have what is called transformed migraines. The way my neurologist explained it: think of the migraines like they are a light switch that has an on and an off. Normally, you take a pill and it puts it in the off position. But I was taking things like Imitrex and Excedrin so often that the switch ended up breaking. Now it's always in the on position, and all the pills do is numb the pain for a while and then it comes back with a rebound headache.

So here's my rule guys: don't take a medicine more than 10 times a month. You don't want to get to where I was, trust me. I was having migraines every single day. I was lucky to get a day off a week. And the pills weren't working. It was absolutely horrible.

So what does this mean? There are a lot of migraine medicines I can't take because they are similar to the pills that got to me that bad place. It's possible I just have to deal with these pills and make sure I eat and pray it doesn't make it worse.

I also need to call my gynecologist and get a stronger dose of hormones during my period. We're hoping that helps the migraines lessen, but this last one was a very low dose and he told me if it didn't work to call him so we could try a higher dose.

Either way, thanks to my period, I had 12 migraines this month. Which means I can't afford to have another one this month.

School and chronic pain

All of my illnesses make school really hard. It's bad enough that I stress out normally due to school, but add on that I miss a lot because of migraines that make me unable to drive (I commute 30 minutes) and pain in my legs that make me unable to walk. Or I'm so nauseous that moving is a bad idea or I might throw up. I also catch colds pretty easily and it almost always turns into a sinus infection.

And now add on that we can't afford it and my grants just don't give me enough, and mom doesn't want to do anymore student loans (I have so many).

And all of this is just one reason I'm so glad we're getting the new health care. Now I can take some time off (though I'm pretty I won't go back) without fear of losing my health insurance. I need to concentrate on trying to get better, and getting my disability which I have a hearing for in February.

Eventually I'll look into online schools. But doing it right now just isn't a good idea. All the stress of school is making me worse and we need to bring my stress levels down as soon as possible. It's dangerous territory because I get stressed out and not only does it make me sicker, it makes me suicidal.

So I quit school.

And I have to tell you guys, it makes me feel like a failure. I always expected to get my degree in psychology and go on to get my masters and then become a counselor. And then I was thinking of changing over to English with a writing minor. It's the language that has me screwed. My brain just can't retain it.

I wanted to quit. I wanted to just work on my books. So I'm happy, but I'm also sad, and kind of mad. And I know when my father finds out, he's going to be mad. Though he really doesn't have much say since he didn't really pay for college (he helped with the first 2 semesters). I feel like the little girl that was always afraid of him again because I can't bring myself to call him. I'm afraid of what will happen.

I just need to focus on me and my writing right now. That's what's important.

The joy of kitties

I am a firm believer that pets are good for your health. It wasn't what was in my mind when I got my cats, but they prove it every single day. I could be really, really sick, barely reacting to anything because movement is a bad idea, and I can't help but smile when my cats come over to cuddle with me. They want to make me feel better, I think.

There are days that everything seems so dark and all I want to do is kill myself, and then I look at my cats and I can't do that to them. There are also days where I just lie on my bed and cry, and my cats (especially Rhapsody) will come up and rub against my forehead, try to groom me, anything to cheer me up.

I don't know where I would be without them. Definitely a lot worse off; perhaps even dead. It's hard to tell. But I know that they are part of what makes me wake up every morning. I know they are there to love me, and I love them. And I feel better when they are there.

The use of Christmas money

Normally when I get money for my birthday and Christmas, I go on a huge shopping spree for myself. And that's all well and good when it's just me and we don't have things we are working towards getting.

I feel bad because I can't work. Asher understands my limitations and why I wouldn't be hired. It's been an ongoing battle in my mind trying to come to terms with this fact, but it's hard. I feel like I don't do anything worthwhile sometimes. He's gaining the money and what am I doing? Working on my book. But if I can get published, if I do well, then it makes up for something, right?

I told him last night how I feel bad about the wedding. He's working hard to save up for it, and I don't feel like I'm contributing. But last night I decided I would use at least some of my Christmas money for the wedding. So I got my wedding ring ($150) and the other chalice for him to use when we toast. His Aunt Dolly and his Mamaw told me to get myself something nice when they gave me the money, and I think they'll both be very happy to know it went to my wedding ring.

I'm unsure of what I'm going to do now. I still have money left over, and I could get a little bit more, but I'm not sure. Or it could go to our swords for the ceremony. Or it could go to my artistic endeavors right now. Get some more oil paints for the cat paintings.

Options, options.

Holidays bring out the worst

I've noticed that parties, especially on the holidays, seem to show a lot of true colors. It's ridiculous what people think is acceptable to do in a group setting.

We went to 4 homes this year: my future mother-in-law's, my mom's, my future uncle-in-law's, and my future father-in-law's. 3 of those visits were just fine; in fact, they were very good. But the other? Not so much. Asher's mom and step dad really boggle my mind sometimes.

To start with, his step father decided it would be a good idea to tell a story about a man who stole his car. It was a fine little story up until he said how he had asked the officer to let him in with that *n-word* for just five minutes. Asher saw my face when he said the word and I can tell you it was a mixture of anger and shock. After the story, Asher said very loudly "Go racism!" and got a very, very dirty look.

I guess it was a tradition every year that Asher's grandfather would read "The night before Christmas" each year. I didn't know this because they didn't do it last year, and according to Asher they hadn't done it for a couple of years (probably since he died). This year his mom had his step father do it. Asher was ready to flip. He was so mad.

And then I noticed that his mom had 2 Swarovski ornaments on her tree this year before I gave her the new one. I know she only had 1 last year, so the other must be his grandma's (who died this year). I had been wondering where it was when we were going through everything, and this really pisses me off. It should go to Asher, not her. Or she should have asked.

Then add in all these new things we learned from family, like that she is already telling some of the other kids what they should take of Aunt Dolly's when she dies (his grandma's sister, and Asher's god-mother). SHE'S NOT DEAD YET. STOP IT.

And here I thought I'd have to worry most about my health acting up. Nope. Family is so much worse than chronic pain sometimes.