The true test of an introvert

I've noticed something else weird in going off the medication, mostly because I never noticed it before now. Now one of the big issues aside from pain with Fibromyalgia is the issue of energy. People with Fibro have much worse fatigue issues than normal people, and it's harder to explain to people who don't have it because they don't quite understand how bad the fatigue gets. I've had days where I have just sat under the stream of water in the shower sobbing because I don't even have the energy to lift my arms to wash my hair, but I can't fall asleep.

I already knew this was a problem going into it. What I didn't realize was just how much I needed that energy for normal socialization.

I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder (henceforth to be called SAD in this post) all my life, to the point that I would pass out in middle school from being too overwhelmed (I have to wonder if that wasn't some of the tachycardia as well...)

The last couple of weeks I've been more overwhelmed by the fact that I'm really not good at small talk and never know what to say to people. And a great part of that has to do with energy now. People come up to me to talk and I find I have a harder time finding the energy to sort through my thoughts to even come up with something to say.

We had a social game at the Timebank potluck on Friday where we had to go up and introduce ourselves and when one of the ladies came up to me and told me a little bit about herself and what she can offer, I found myself stopping and thinking, "what is special enough about me to respond with?" and I ended up not saying much at all about myself. I have to wonder if I came off as rude at all.

That's one thing that pisses me off more than anything about SAD. Sometimes we come off as cold, arrogant, or rude when really we are just scared to death. I remember in middle school I went to a birthday party of my friend's at a roller rink. All of her friends were asking me questions and wanting to get to know me but I was petrified and all I could do was try and release myself from the situation by running away. I then spent the rest of the time being teased and tormented by these girls for being so "rude" to them.

:/

I told Abby at the potluck that I was having a hard time because I had suddenly hit a wall with my energy. I didn't go as far as explaining why it was so frustrating to hit that wall; not because it just sucks to have no energy, but because it was so much harder to be social.

What's funny is that despite my SAD and being an introvert, I'm actually quite upbeat and social when I'm around people that know me well and know my quirky ways. I like being with people, I like being silly, and I like joking a lot. I think I got a lot of that from daddy, because he also has a lot of fun teasing and being funny with people despite him being a total introvert. And well, he did marry my mom, one of the most extroverted people I know (besides my brother), so we both must have some fun when around those people (and we do).

The whole thing really is a great big pain in the ass.